DR day 4

Originally, today was planned to be out completely free day. However, plans changed. On day two, our clinic site got moved at the last moment. The people of the community we were supposed to go to were devastated and begged us to find a way to come to them, so this morning we sent a team of people who had the most experience and who spoke Spanish to do a half-day clinic. The other half of the group stayed behind at the monastery and inventoried all the remaining medical supplies and medicines. This trip is very well organized and planned out. Apparently we had over $60,000 in medicines to give out. Some of the supplies we donated to the Abad foundation, the local foundation we were working with.  Some we placed in a closet for a trip that’s coming in March. We ate lunch at the monastery and then we headed out to Santa Domingo.

            We didn’t get to the resort to 5:30, but the drive was so worth it. It was so beautiful. The resort was all-inclusive. We ate dinner in an open-air buffet 20 feet from the ocean. The restaurant was beautiful, so fancy. Then we went down to the ocean for a night swim. I had never done that before. I was a little nervous at first, but it was amazing. The stars were so clear; I even saw a shooting star. I went up to the room around 10 and took an amazing shower. It was such a beautiful and relaxing way to end a week of hard work. I fell sleep thinking that I had to be the happiest and most blessed person alive.

DR day 3

Today was an amazing day! Our clinic site was absolutely crazy.  We were sent to a place called San Jose. We held the clinic in a community building, I think it may have been a church and the pharmacy set up in a house across the street. And by street I mean 8-foot wide alleyway, crowded with at least 200 people ALL DAY LONG. Unfortunately, we were only able to see 128 pts. When we had to close triage there were at least 30 people still in line, a lot of people were very angry. It was very difficult to turn people away.

One thing I learned from this trip is the value of incorporating community leaders into running the clinic. We had a man who from my limited Spanish, I think was a pastor, or some sort of bible teacher who made a list of patients as they showed up an served as bouncer and door keeper to the triage room. He was so helpful and it was good to work with him.

This evening was a blast. After dinner I ended up playing soccer on the patio with three other students. It was so much fun. Unfortunately, one of the guys cut open his foot pretty badly so that ended the game. Then I got to be nurse Sarah in action bandaging it all up. After that we had a huge bonfire. I ended up staying out talking till 1 am.  Getting the bonfire lit was 30 minutes of entertainment in and off itself. Who ever had set it up did it all wrong, they had all big sticks and no kindling or tender, so of course the fire was not getting anywhere. I’m telling you there’s nothing like watching a bunch of med students figure out how to start a fire. We ended up using old gauzes and class notes as tender! We even had marshmallows and chocolate to make smores.  

This trip so far has been amazing! Everyone treats everyone else with respect. No one talks down to me because I am an undergrad. Everyone works together as a team.

DR day 2

Hello again from the DR. As I write this I am sitting in a rocking chair on the second floor balcony of the monastery watching the rain come pouring down over the mountains.  Storms always make me pause and consider the greatness of God. Us humans we are so helpless against the forces of nature. It’s only by God’s powerful hand that we are sustained.

Today was a great day. I was assigned to clinic #1 in a little village about 15 minutes from the monastery. Another bonus for today was that I got the Internet to work enough to talk to my mom briefly in the morning. I was so tired I went to bed at 8pm last night and didn’t wake up till 7am.  Needless to say, I had a lot more energy today then yesterday. Today we held the clinic in someone’s house, literally. This woman was gracious enough to open her home to the entire community. I ran triage again. Today was a bit smoother because we were outside and had more space. We saw around 120 Pts. We worked straight from 9:30-5:00 with only at 15 break at 1:40 for lunch. There were so many babies! Every adult had at least one kid with them and some had as many as four. They were so cute.

One thing I was really thinking about one of the principles from the book I was reading. Avoid paternalism. The book also discusses how poverty is more then just lack of material things. Poverty also involves emotions such as shame, hopelessness, and inferiority.  All day long I was asking myself “ Do I see these people as inferior?” Am I treating them as if they are inferior?”

Dinner tonight was amazing. Salad, white rice, meatballs, corn fritters and avocado. At first I wasn’t sure exactly what to do with the avocado, but someone suggested smashing it up in the rice. Let me tell you, best decision I’ve made in a while. It tasted so good. I love trying new food. It’s one of my favorite things about traveling. 

Tonight was amazing. After dinner I played a couple rounds of dominos, then I went over to hang out with the students who were doing a little dancing under the patio. I love dancing, but I never feel as culturally awkward as when I’m around latin styles of dance. To be perfectly honest, I just can’t get my body to move correctly to make it look natural.

I left that about 10 to go to bed. However, As I was walking I ran into two of the guys on our trip and we ended up talking about God until Midnight. It was the most fun I had in a while.

Most of the time these days, I exist in a little bubble. I go to school, I go to work, I go to church. I tend to interact with the same people everyday. It was so nice to talk about God with new people. After awhile, one of the guy left and was replaced by a reformed Jewish girl. We had a great conversation. I feel like I really learned a lot about her perspective.

Dominican Republic Day 1

Hello from the Dominican Republic! We arrived here in the DR last night at 9pm. The trip here was fairly uneventful.  Originally, we planned on arriving at 3pm, but there was a flight cancelation in Tampa and a delay in Miami.  By God’s grace, we made it through customs without a problem. After landing in Santa Domingo, we had a three-hour drive to the city Jarabacoa. We arrived in Jarabacoa at midnight and then the real fun began. On Friday, we had sorted all the meds by kind in their original bottles and packed them into suitcases. Now we had to sort it all out into the clinic bags because in the morning we were going to two different clinical sites.  We were up till 2am counting vitamins and certain medicines. Personally, I sorted about 3,000 vitamins into 30 count bags! Today they let us “sleep in” till 7:30.  We left for the clinic at 9am and ran clinic from 10-5. At our clinic site we saw a total of 83 pts and gave hygiene products and vitamins to a few dozen more. As the nursing student, I was paired with an ARNP student and we were put in charge of triage and vitals. The clinic took place in a little three room building in a rural village about 30 minutes from the Monastery. Did I mention I’m staying in a monastery? Well, it used to be a monastery. Now it’s used primarily to house groups like ours.

As far as interesting patients goes, I did see a child with polydactyly (an extra digit), He had six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot. I also saw two patients with systolic BP’s over 180 and neither weighed over 100 lbs! For my non-medical friends, basically when your blood pressure gets that high you are at a high risk for stroke and cardiovascular complications.  

We got back to the monastery at 5:30 and had dinner at 6. We had to resort the meds again to make sure that both clinics tomorrow got enough. 

It’s so funny how quickly the extreme become the familiar. I still remember the wonder and excitement of my first international trip. I wrote pages and pages about my experiences detailing every new sight and sound. Now I can summarize my whole day in a few paragraphs.  I like that this is becoming the new normal for me.

Also, the things that were strange and bothersome when I first started traveling internationally aren’t so strange and bothersome any more. It’s just the way things are. You change your expectations. Don’t except air conditioning, don’t expect to be comfortable, and don’t expect to eat on any kind of regular schedule. Don’t expect to not be tired; don’t expect to ‘have it your way’.

I bought a book specifically for this trip. It’s called When Helping Hurts. I heard about it a few years ago, but I never got around to reading it.  The big point of the book is the difference between relief work and development work. Many of the concepts were things I had considered before. But it’s given me a lot of food for thought.  I used to just assume that these international medical brigades were a good idea. But now I’m really looking into the effects of trips like these.

I'm done feeling sorry for myself

So I haven't posted anything for awhile. Mostly because I've been busy with school, but also because everything I've sat down to write has ended up sounding like the musings of a whiny spoiled brat.

So as of today, I'm done with feeling sorry for myself. Yes, my body is still malfunctioning, but No, I'm not going to let that ruin my day. I've spent eight weeks in a pit of self-pity, I think that's more than enough time. It's time to pull myself together and get on with life.

In other news,
I finally made it to the endocrinologist today. No news. Surprise, surprise, they have to run more tests.

An exercize in futility

Most days if you asked me about how I like nursing, I'll tell you 'I love it!'. I will go on and on about how much I love teaching people about their bodies and serving them in their time of need. I'll tell you that I know that God made me to be a nurse. I'll talk about how great it is to be able to do the work I do. I will be all smiles and excitement. 

However, I think that my general tendency to be positive masks the pain that my profession often brings. I don't bring this up to complain. I think it's important to talk about the painful parts of our life, because more often then not, these are the areas that God is using to make us like his Son. Don't get me wrong, nursing is a job -no, a calling- that brings great joy. But, it will break your heart too.

Some people respond by saying that you shouldn't get emotionally involved, that if your heart breaks, you are doing something wrong. I ardently dissagree with that sentiment. What kind of person would I be if I didn't grieve with the mother of a stillborn child, or with the patient who just found out their cancer is inoperable? Caring hurts, but I want it to hurt. I never want to be numb to the pain of the world.

Jesus did not turn His face away from the reality of suffering, He did not run, He did not hide. For thirty-three years He walked among the broken, the lame and the blind. During his earthly ministry He healed thousands that had no hope. He healed them because he felt compassion on them. Then at his crucifixion Jesus felt the weight of the sin of His elect, He bore their pain, their sorrow. He did not turn away but faced the reality of suffering the full cup of God's wrath.

And now as God's servant, I too share in His sufferings. I walk the halls of this hospital and I hear their cries. And friends, some days it hurts. Some days it hurts a lot. To know that there are so many souls within these walls on the brink of death, unready for eternity. And I feel so burdened. And then I remember what the Scripture says.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” 

~Matthew 11:28-19~

 ^"Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need"

~Hebrews 4:14-16~

In reflecting over everything that has occurred this past month, I have come see that the practice of medicine is, at best, a practice in futility. It's like bailing water in a ship full of holes, I'm only delaying the inevitable. This is a hard reality face, to feel unable to help in the face of immense suffering.

Every nurse has to find a way to deal with the emotional drain of nursing. Some can't, they leave the profession (the turn over rate in nursing is very high), some drink, some smoke, a lot eat. I write blogs about Jesus and sing hymns to Him with my guitar.

Father, I do not ask that you remove this burden from my back, but simply that you strengthen my back to bear it.

This is life

 So it looks like I won't be having surgery for awhile. Unfortunately, my doctor found some other abnormalities in my blood work that I need to get checked out by a specialist first. What I thought would be the end has turned out to be just the beginning.

In some ways, the news was a little devastating. For the first time since the diagnosis, I couldn't keep it together. I sat down and cried like a little girl. All the the painful procedures, all the money we spent, was a waste. To make matters worse, I'm probably going to have to redo all the procedures when we get close to the new surgery date.

Now I have to locate yet another doctor. Then it's time to get back on the tilt-a-whirl of tests and procedures to try and figure out what else is wrong with me. 

I don't want anything else to be wrong. I just want to be normal. I'm 21, the problems I'm having are the kinds of problems that you aren't supposed to have to deal with till you're 50.

I feel like my body is rebelling against me. Most days I feel perfectly fine and then out of nowhere I start bleeding so heavily I debate with myself if I need to go to the hospital. It's been really hard to figure out what causes me to start bleeding. I've pretty much figured out that I can't do any lifting. I don't want to sit around like an invalid for the next three months. Besides being bored out of my mind, it would be really bad for me to be that physically inactive. The healthier I am for surgery, the faster I will recover and the less complications I will have. So it's really important for me to exersize.

Being sick has caused a radical shift in my perspective on a a variety of issues. For one, I'm pretty much in favor of the U.S. implementing some sort of socialized medicine reform. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I had this problem and didn't have insurance. One of the biggest reasons my family and I were trying to get my surgery done asap is insurance worries. My insurance is through my Dad, which is through his work. My dad could loose his job at any point in time, which would leave me out of luck until I got a job after graduation. Furthermore, dealing with insurance companies is akin to getting your wisdom teeth removed....without anesthesia. Luckily, I have the most amazing mother in the world and she gets it figured out. Every time I have to call them, it stresses me out so much I just end up crying. and not solving my problem. It's crazy, if a college educated women can't figure out how to navigate insurance, that's a problem.

On the spiritual side of things, it is difficult to see how weak your faith is until you face a trial. Then once you see how weak it is, you wish you couldn't see. This illness has exposed so many deep rooted sins of my heart. Nevertheless, despite how lost I feel, I know that God is with me. I'm not lost.

If God has chosen that this would be the way that I would know Him better, then so be it. If God has desired to answer my prayers through crosses, then who am I to challenge God?

God did not promise that life would be easy and pain free. In fact the opposite is what is guaranteed. We are called to suffer, as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ suffered.

I know these truths in my heart. But sometimes it's hard to live like they are true. I wish I had more insights to share. I wish I could see clearer through this fog. I feel like a small child walking through a deep fog in an unfamiliar area. I can feel my father's hand, but I can't see him. Things that in daylight would be familiar, seem menacing in the shadow. I know where I'm going, but I don't know the path. Even though my Father is there, I'm still scared. The uncertainty is frightening. I call out "I'm so afraid!" And the Father says "rest assured My child, we will get there in time. Rest easy"

 

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you"  

~Isaiah 41:13~

This momentary and light affliction

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you."

~Isaiah 41:13~

SOOOOO... I was supposed to be undergoing major surgery tomorrow.

However, I just received a call from my doctor's office and as it turns out, they're going to have to reschedule the surgery. My doctor is having a personal emergency and to top that off, I'm severely anemic (which was no surprise to me).

To be honest, waiting for this surgery has been a little like waiting for category 5 hurricane to hit your house after you decided not to evacuate. You know you're probably going to survive, but you really don't know how bad the damage is going to be.

On that note, I've officially decided all that idealistic mumbo-jumbo about living everyday like it's your last day is a bunch of hogwash. I can just say that living in light of a very real threat of peril does not inspire me to me to go out and do all the things I never did. I really just want to find a dark hole to curl up in.

This news has come like a blow to the gut. I just want to get this over with. After the call I put my head in my hands and talked to the Maker of the Universe. "God, what is happening? I don't understand. What's the point of all this?"

I grabbed my Bible and opened it to one of its most well worn sections, Hebrews chapter 11-12.

and I read: 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..." 

and as I read, I said to myself "I will have faith in God." Even though I'm really lost right now. Even though I feel like everything in my life is out of control.

As I considered the examples of faith that have been set before me I realized that all of us will have our faith tested in many ways through out our life and I arrived at the same conclusions as the Author:

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

The race of faith is not a sprint, it's a marathon. And you know what? Sometimes marathons have hills. Big hills, impossible hills, hills that come when you least expect them and hills that make you wonder why you ever even decided to run this race.

I made a commitment to follow Christ three years ago this September and in all that time He has never failed me. So in light of His enduring faithfulness, I have decided to trust the Lord and believe that He is good no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the consequences.

I am learning a very key lesson in life right now and it is as follows: God is in control and I am not.


There is one bright spot in all of this. Now I know what its like to be a patient. I know that this is going to make me a better nurse.

I will never again mentally criticize a patient for being needy. Because guess what?  I am a complete space case and very needy. I can't remember anything I'm supposed to do or questions I'm supposed to ask. Stress does funny things to you (and being severely anemic doesn't help either).   

Speaking of stress.... One the one hand, I have been relatively calm about all of this. No crazy break downs or anger outbursts. I know that God is soverign and He is good. God has given me peace with what is happening. On the other hand, I feel like I'm trying to stop a tsunami of uncontrollable anxiety with a boogie board. To be honest, ever since the diagnosis I've had trouble sleeping and I can't seem to focus on anything. It difficult to even read for more then a few minutes at a time. I've turned into a complete flake. I have never experienced this kind of anxiety before, nor these kinds of anxiety symptoms. Though now, it seems what I thought was anxiety is probably an effect of the anemia.

In someways addressing anxiety is difficult. Partially due to the fact that some anxiety symptoms are a natural hormonal response to physical stress that can't be changed (for example, your heart rate going up when you are in pain), but some of it is sin that needs to be put to death. But to be perfectly honest, fighting sin has moved way down on my priority list at the moment. Which is a problem. John Owen said it perfectly "be killing sin or it will be killing you." Believe me, it's killing me right now.

But, you see, I can clearly see that in this brokeness, God's love is shinning through. In the midst of my sin, I am confident that he loves me still. I am living Romans 8 right now. If you've never read that chapter, run, don't walk to your Bible and read it now, and then at least a hundred more times.  Chapter 8 is the Apostle Paul's amazingly stunning conclusion to the whole matter of being justified by faith instead of works.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit."

Halleluiah! What peace to know that my sins will not be counted against me.

Oh, how I long for Heaven! I long to lay down this body of death and put on my body made for glory. Every procedure and every pill is just one more reminder that this is not my home. I was not made for this. I was made to be with Jesus. I am thankful for these reminders. God forbid that I should come to love this world.

I am thankful for one more opportunity to be counted worthy to share in the sufferings of Christ. I am thankful to the the object that God has chosen to display His Glory through.

SOLI DEO GLORIA

A surprising turn of events

When I began this blog three years ago (has it really been that long?), I envisioned that it would be a place where I would create my memoirs. A sort of online diary, an excuse to sharpen my writing skills and hash out my worldview. Overtime my writing has developed as I have developed. I once was an 18 year-old college freshman, just beginning to get my feet wet with life. Now I am a 21 year-old college senior, three years into this merry-go-round we call adulthood.

I've written about many aspects of my life. I have chosen to focus primarily on my walk with Christ and the lessons God has taught me. For the most part, I tired to speak vaguely about the more intimate details of my life. Personal privacy is a thing to be safely guarded these days. I've tried to balance the necessary openness of writing a blog with the wisdom of keeping appropriate boundaries. I've learned a lot about that these past three years.

I have attempted to be as honest and open as prudence would allow. However, there is one area of my life I have chosen not to address until now. The truth is, I have had some ongoing health struggles that I have kept to myself, for a variety of reasons. However, I think I am finally ready to share how the Lord has worked through me in this struggle.

This is my story:

I was diagnosed with a conditions known as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) at the age of 19 following my freshman year at USF. Honestly, there are few things in life I am more loathe to talk about then my health struggles. My condition isn't rare, but it's complex. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my diagnosis. The diagnosis, while answering many questions, brought to light many more. In some ways, it was a relief to know why I had persistent acne and weight problems. It was such a relief to know that it wasn't my personal moral failings that made it so difficult for me to loose weight. Surprisingly, the primary medication to control PCOS symptoms is your run of the mill birth control.

Having to accept that I would be on birth control long term was difficult. My biggest fear, to be honest was 'what would people think if they found out?'. Would they assume that I was sleeping around? It's difficult to explain why you take birth control if you're claiming to be a celibate single adult.

Furthermore, the medication is not without side effects of its own. I have been on five different types of birth control since I was 17. It consistently makes me nauseous and gives me mood swings. The first time I was on it, I was throwing up essentially every other day for months on end. For the past few years, I've felt constantly torn, having to choose between dealing with medication side effects or PCOS symptoms. Without the medication, weight gain is inevitable (which puts me at a very high risk for cardiovascular disease and diabetes). Also, having a face full of acne is socially and physically uncomfortable. And most importantly, if I don't keep my hormones regulated, I am guaranteed to develop ovarian cysts, which could make me completely infertile. By God's grace, the kind I have been on for the last nine months has worked splendidly with no side effects. This is a real blessing.

When I was first diagnosed, I really struggled to come to terms with everything. I cringed at the possibility of not being able to have children. I internally raged "I'm 19! I shouldn't have to be thinking about these types of things!" I always took it for granted that I would be able to easily have as many children as I wanted, like the other women of my family. I honestly felt like less of a women. What a disappointment I would be to my family. I wondered if anyone would ever want to marry me.

God was faithful through these trials. He has patiently taught me to trust Him through this. At this point in time, I have stopped asking why. God has patiently taught me through the years that trusting Him is the answer to all those unanswerable questions. Knowing His character and the goodness of His sovereign will brings the peace that even perfect health could never bring.

Flash flash-forward two years to this January. I began to notice a hard area on the lower part of my abdomen. At first I chalked it up to another case of paranoid nursing student syndrome. I told myself that if something was really wrong, I'd be in a lot of pain. However, in July, I started experiencing some other symptoms that made me a little more concerned. I went to the OB-GYN this past Thursday, she ran some diagnostic tests and I was given some unexpected news.

As it turns out, the rigidness of my abdomen is because I have several large tumors, called Fibroids in my uterus. Currently, my uterus is the size of someone who is 14 weeks pregnant. This condition is not directly related to my other condition. My cynical side laughed at the irony of the news. PCOS keeps me from ovulating and now, even if I did manage to conceive, the fibroids would keep the baby from implanting in my uterus.

The end of the story is that on the 14th, I am scheduled to undergo a major surgical procedure known as a abdominal myomectomy. For those without a medical background, essentially the procedure is pretty similar to a c-section (except I don't get baby at the end, haha). The surgery should take about four hours, barring complications. I will be in the hospital for at least 48 hours afterward. Unfortunately, a side effect of the procedure is that if I do get pregnant in the future, I will require a C-section to deliver. Also, the fibroids will grow back, meaning that eventually I will need a hysterectomy.

Needless to say, this was not what I was expecting when I left camp a week ago. If there is anything that this surgery has caused me to come face to face with the fact that I am not in control of my life. I we are honest with ourselves, we know that for most part we walk around assuming things are essentially going go the way we think they will.

As I have been processing through this news the past few days, a few positive emotions have surfaced amidst the fear and uncertainty. I know that this is for God's glory and I am excited to be the instrument that God has chosen to display to His glory through. I'm also excited to show the world that God is still good even when I am suffering. This is just one more chance to put 'feet to my speech'.

Soli Deo Gloria.  

The CV Chronicles: Week 7

This week I faced Monday morning prepared for battle. I was armed to the teeth with tissues, ibuprofen and dark chocolate, ready to endure what I expected to be week long siege of my cabin by very tiny, very destructive militants (sometimes referred to as 'children.') I had heard horror stories from returning staff about the week 7 slump. I was utterly convinced that this week was going to be terrible. I awoke Monday morning feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. To make matters worse, I was coming out of a weekend of battling sin and doubt. I wasn't sure how I could go on. I thought 'How am I supposed to love these kids and show them Christ when I really just want to go find a hole and crawl in it till it's time for me to go back to Tampa?'

"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10~

However, God, in his mercy, had other plans (You think I would learn to stop being surprised when this happens, for real). I had a GREAT week. I think I will show you rather then just tell you (A pictures worth a thousand words right?) One of my campers prayed to receive Christ on Friday night. How cool is it that I get to be a part of that?

A note my campers left me on Saturday morning. They are so darn cute, even when they can't spell my name right.

 

My little sheep! We won honor cabin every single day this week.

 

New barefoot running shoes, they are seriously the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned 

This is what an honor cabin looks like. 

That's what I'm talking about. 

Working the rock wall is probably my favorite activity at camp. I love playing around and challenging myself to try new routes.

Moments like this are why I am a camp counselor. 

This is the view from the ball field I get to enjoy every single day during evening games. It's so beautiful, photos don't do it justice. It is a constant reminder of the beauty of our maker and His everlasting love for me.

 

Getting ready for the sponge relay. 

 

The water was so cold!

Every Friday night we have an outdoor service. We do skits for the kids, watch a highlights video, then we have songs, a message and a testimony time.

This has been the best summer of my life. Seriously. I love this place.

USF Senior Year Bucket List

I was inspired by a friend of mine to create a senior year bucket list. I'm so excited that I'm a senior this year. I' really looking forward to what the Lord is going to do this year. I plan to keep adding to this list until school starts. Feel free to give me suggestions!

Senior Year Bucket List

1. Canoe at River Front Park
2. Do the High Ropes course
3. Frisbee golf at River Front Park
4. Watch an IMAX movie at MOSI
5. Eat dinner and watch the sunset on top of the beard parking garage
6. Swim in the MLK fountain
7. Take Cap and Gown picture sitting on the bulls by the MSC
8. Feed the ducks by J-pop
9. Go to a USF dance and band performance
10. Watch a game and eat at Beef O Brady's
11. Go to vertical ventures
12. Eat at Tacobus
13. Go to a USF football, soccer, baseball and volleyball game. 
14. Go swing dancing at Zenda Grotto
15. Learn ASL for Romans
16. Learn to ride a unicycle
17. Take a picture with Rocky
18. Eat at OTP

The CV Chronicles: My Heart For Missions

"How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, Who bring glad tidings of good things!"

~Romans 10:14-15~

This summer has been instrumental in deepening my understanding of missions. I have been so blessed this summer to meet full time missionaries from all over the world. I've met missionaries from places as exotic as Africa to as domestic as Birmingham. Yet no matter what the location these people are joyfully serving God and reaching the unreached. Through many presentations and conversations my heart has been moving from "I would like to do missions" to "I MUST do missions". I have seen the need. I have heard their cries. I can no longer deny the burden in my heart. How could I live the rest of my life here in the safety of America, while millions of people pass into eternity without Christ.

The itch began, as do most of my passions, with a book. Over the past few years I've read many biographies of the great missionaries of the last two centuries: Jim and Elizabeth Elliot, Gladys Alwyard, Amy Carmichael, Eric Liddell. The list goes on and on. I have been inspired by their faith and their commitment to their convictions. I am humbled by their profound humility and reliance on the Lord.  


I do not know what the Lord has in store for me in the future. I always tell myself, tongue-in-cheek, that I might die of an aneurism tomorrow, so I shouldn't get too caught up in my plans. But, I pray that God would allow me to see the realization of my dream. To take the gospel to a people who have not heard it before. 

To those who would decry my dream because it isn't safe. I would reply: Of course it isn't safe! But, what is safety? I'll tell you what safety is: Safety is at best, an illusion and at worst, a prison. What's the point of trying to live a safe life? Your body is actively decaying. It's like trying to shine a rotten apple. Now I'm not talking about being foolish, I'm talking about making moves for the Gospel that might cost you something. In some situations it might cost you a relationship, or even your job; in other situations, it may cost you your very life. Listen brethren, if we value personal safety over the advancement of the kingdom, we are mistaken. Why are we so content to let our lives quietly slip through our fingers like grains of sand? Contentedly building our little towers of self-indulgence, when every single day countless souls enter the gates of Hell without even once hearing the name of Christ? To quote one of my favorite preachers Paul Washer "Go out there and die!" 
 

The children here at CV have no idea how truly blessed they are to be hearing what they are hearing. How many thousands of souls pass to the grave every day without ever even hearing the name of Christ! How many people groups have no national gospel witness? Christ must be proclaimed to all the nations, like John Piper says “missions exists because worship doesn’t".  These people were made to worship the God who made them, but they walk in darkness. Let us go and preach the gospel to them! What do we have to fear?  Hasn’t God told us “do not fear him who can kill the body and afterwards do no more, but fear Him who after he has killed the body can cast both body and soul into hell. I say fear Him” What can man do to me? I am praying that I have ‘beautiful feet’


There is a well worn groove in the back of my mind from countless days and nights of mental pacing. I continually question myself: What is the gospel worth to me? 


I want to know if my life will match what I say that I believe. I want to put feet to my speech, so to speak.  


In so many ways, I speak in complete ignorance. Some are of the opinion that is is best then to keep quiet. I, however, am of the opinion that the only way to have my ignorance corrected and my thought processes refined is to take the time to hash out my worldview and have it subsequently critiqued. I heartily welcome the criticism of my brothers and sisters in Christ.


Is not the God who gave His all, worthy of my all? What shall I withhold from the Lord my God? 

The CV Chronicles: Begone Unbelief

“Lord I believe, help my unbelief!”

~Mark 9:24~ 

If you know anything about me, you know I love hymns. My love for hymns began at the time of my salvation. I am frequently given odd looks at USF because I walk around constantly singing to myself, and 9 times out of 10 I am singing a hymn. I love how encouraging and edifying they are. 

Yesterday, unbelief settled like a dark cloud in my heart and followed after me all the day, I couldn't seem to shake it. As I have grown in Christ, satan no longer tempts me to doubt the existence of God, but he does frequently tempt me to doubt the goodness of God. This hymn comforted me in my trial.

Begone, unbelief,
  My Savior is near,
And for my relief
  Will surely appear;
By prayer let me wrestle,
  And He will perform;
With Christ in the vessel,
  I smile at the storm. 

I look at my campers, my little sheep, and I think, what can I do to help them? Some of them have been abused, some of them come from broken homes, some of them are false converts. What can I do to help them? All I have is one week with them. But, the truth is, I CAN'T do anything. But God can do anything!

How frequently do I cry out in prayer in desperation at my own lack of faith. I doubt the Lord so much, I disgust myself. I doubt His love, I doubt that He will work, I doubt His care. I hate it, I hate it I hate it. Why so frequently do my emotions not match my understanding? I know that the Lord loves me yet I still doubt. "OH WRETCHED MAN THAT I AM, WHO WILL DELIVER ME FROM THIS BODY OF DEATH"

 Though dark be my way,
  Since He is my Guide,
'Tis mine to obey,
  'Tis His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken,
  And creatures all fail,
The word He hath spoken
  Shall surely prevail.

I persistently struggle with desiring the approval of other Christians. Non-believers opinions don’t tend to affect me because, from my point of view, they are not evaluating me on God’s standards. However, believers, in my mind, are. So I take their opinion on the level of God’s. Which is so irrational, it hardly requires explanation. If I feel like brother or a sister disapproves of me, it shakes me up.

Why should I complain
  Of want or distress,
Temptation or pain?
  He told me no less;
The heirs of salvation,
  I know from His Word,
Through much tribulation
  Must follow their Lord.

Since all that I meet
  Shall work for my good,
The bitter is sweet,
  The medicine, food;
Though painful at present,
  'Twill cease before long,
And then, oh, how pleasant
  The conqueror's song!
 

Last night we had our own little CV 4th of July celebration. One of our staff has an air cannon that He uses to shoot glow sticks in the air. It's pretty cool. So we shot off glow sticks and let the campers catch them. While we were waiting for our turn, I set my little campers down and as I looked down at them my heart was filled with compassion and love for them. I love these little guys, I would do anything for them. They're my little sheep, almost entirely helpless. But you know what? I don't mind at all. I don't mind that they ask me the same thousand questions everyday, and loose everything, and spill their drinks at every meal and wake me up at 4am because they are scared. I love them.

I think God uses moments like this to show me how much He loves me. If I can have this much love, being the wretched sinner that I am, and these not even my own children, how much does He love me, His daughter?

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" 

~ Romans 8:32~

What a weak vessel I am.

But what a strong savior is my God!

The CV Chronicles: Last week

 So I’ve been here at CV for five weeks now. WOW. Time has flown. I’m half way through my time here. God has worked in so many miraculous ways this summer. Sometimes I am awestruck as I consider that the Lord would allow me to come to a such a wonderful place as this. Then I think about the fact that God has granted me access to His very presence in heaven when I die, and then I’m really awestruck.

My Pastor was the speaker this week. I cannot tell you how blessed I am to have this man as my Pastor. He and his family have blessed me immensely these past two years. He is constantly encouraging, rebuking and instructing me. He never hesitates to point me toward Christ. It was so encouraging having Him, His family; one of our deacons and 7 other kids from our church come to camp this week. I had 5 girls from my church, plus my youngest niece in my cabin this week. I was so happy to see them.  The week went by so fast, but it was such a blessing to me. I loved ministering to the girls from my church, I love all of them and I consider it such a privilege to lead them.

Truly, truly I say to you, if there is one thing I have learned at CV this summer it’s my complete inadequacy as a counselor. But God has placed “this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellency of the power may be of God and not of us”. What that verse is talking about when it says earthen vessels, its talking about simple, breakable clay pots, used for everyday things, nothing special. And God has said that he uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. God has also told us that when we are weak, he is strong. And I will tell you friends; I am weak, so weak.  If there is any act of kindness that I do, anything godly that escapes my mouth, it is the Lord. In and of myself, I am worthless. But Christ is worthy, so worthy. 

If I were to name this period of my walk with God I would title it ‘running for my life’

To a degree, because I am literally always running. One thing about camp, it keeps you very active. (Which is kinda nice cause then you can enjoy all of Ms. Barb’s great cooking without fear haha). But mostly because living here is like living in a spiritual green house. I have seen my complete inadequacy and so I run to Christ. I run to Christ everyday.

Everyday I stand amazed at the abundant grace poured out on this unworthy sinner. 

This has truly been the best summer of my life. Everyday there is a new blessing from God, a new surprise and new challenge. Someone new to encourage in the faith, some to share the gospel with, someone to serve. It goes on and on. 

Saturdays at CV are really special. It’s a time to rejuvenate, catch up on sleep and connect with the staff.

 

This Saturday after taking a lovely nap, I went with some of the other staff to Florala (a little town about 15 minutes from camp) and went to the big lake there to go swimming. It was so pleasant. It reminded me a lot of my childhood. I challenged one of the guys to a race. I love racing in swimming, it’s honestly the only athletic competition I can even be competitive in. Unfortunately, He beat me 3 times! Granted, it was really close and He is a foot taller then me (well 6 inches). But still, I told Him that we’ll have to do a rematch when he get’s back from Laos.

Then we had a staff event. We ate dinner together and then played a game of softball. One of the guys helped me learn to catch and throw and Amy showed me how to hold a bat. Everyone here is so helpful, I am so incompetent so frequently, but everyone pitches in (pun intended) to show me how to be better. I managed to hit and get on base both times I got to bat! It was so much fun.  It’s so fun to learn how to play sports. I never did much as a kid because I was to out of shape and to involved in other things.  Then I played golf for the first time in the horse pasture! (Only in Alabama Haha, and no none of hit any of the horses). Afterwards we had ice cream and we had an outdoor movie. We watched captain America.

Now if you know me, you know I love watching a good superhero movie. I’ll have to say that the new captain America movie is one of my favorites. I was thinking this as I was watching the movie: Everybody is waiting for a hero to come in and rescue him or her. I think that’s why movies like this are so popular. We long for a good guy, someone who puts others first and will lay down his life for what He believes in. Inwardly we groan for redemption from sin and death.  Now for those of us who have found the Lord, we realize that our hero has come and he has rescued us. You see, we often focus on relief from our circumstances to be the point of our rescue, however Christ has shown us that, in fact our circumstances are usually the least of our problems. Our biggest is problem is our sin that has offended a Holy, Righteous and Just God, who will not let the guilty go unpunished.

So as I was watching the movie tonight I was asking myself “Sarah Jo, what kind of woman are you going to be? Many men will lay down their life for the sake of other lives. Will you lay down you life for the sake of others’ souls? Will you follow Christ no matter where He leads? Are you willing to go to battle for the sake of the gospel? How much is the gospel worth to you? Is it worth the loss of your dreams of a family; is it worth the lost of your comforts and pleasures, the loss of your friends and family? What kind of woman will you turn out to be Sarah Jo?

The CV Chronicles: Limitations

"And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:24


When I read the above verse I often think that it not only applies to those who are financially well off, but those who have other types of riches (social status, intellect, physical beauty etc.).  It has been my experience that these things have a way of blinding us to our desperate need for salvation. How sad is it that so frequently, the people who have the most resources to glorify God with, refuse to acknowledge their creator and take their lives into their own hands.

I've noticed something incredible about the people here at CV. I've have had the distinct pleasure of meeting some amazingly UNselfconscious believers. It's moving to see how gracefully they go about life, seemingly unaware of themselves and entirely focused on God and others. It's truly humbling and inspiring when I think about the fact that essentially 99% of the time I'm thinking about myself. Seriously, I have a blog, how much more narcissistic can you get? The funny thing is, these people have stuff, that from a worldly perspective, should make one self-conscious. But it doesn't. In speaking with them, when asked about why they are the way the are. The answer I have gotten over and over again is "you know Sarah, I just decided one day that I would give this to the Lord and if it was His will for me to be this way, then so be it. I will do the best I can with what I have. What use is there in complaining?"

God has been turning my heart through conversations with these precious Saints. "See my daughter, see how I have chosen to move through the weaknesses of my people. Pay close attention and heed this lesson. "God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty." 1 Corinthians 1:27

Meditiating on these truths has caused my heart to become broken and contrite. How frequently do I doubt God's sovereignty when I complain about my perceived flaws and weaknesses. How often do I wish that I was better at XYZ or that certain parts of my personality would magically disappear. What a foolish child I am.

I have learned that, more often than not, God will use what the world calls a weakness in His child to bring about His purposes and His fame. So my brothers and sisters, do not despise your limitations weather they be physical or intellectual. God has purpose in them. Do not hide yourself in shame. Don't waste your life wishing you were another way.

Unexpected Joy (Video)

I wish that everyone who thinks it's merciful to murder disabled children before they are even born would watch this video.

The CV Chronicles: True Beauty

I’ll be honest. I really struggle with negative feelings about my physical apperance. If you could crawl in my head and walk around inside my brain you would see phrases like “fat chick” “you’re so ugly”, “You’ll never get married because you’re ugly”, “ You are such a loser cause you can’t loose weight”, “ You would be liked more if you were prettier” seared across the walls.  For so long I have carried these thoughts around like chains around my ankles. They’ve been there so long I had ceased to hear the clinking metal and smell the rotting flesh.  These shackles have held me down for so long, I never thought things could be any different.

Yesterday, I got hard core rebuked by my pastor for calling myself ugly. He told me “oh, so Psalm 139 isn’t true for you sister? Sarah, how do you expect to be able to counsel teenage girls who all think they are ugly if you talk like that?” He was so right, I was so ashamed of myself. I’ve always known that the way I think was wrong, but I’ve never really known what to do about it. The Lord is so sovereign and He has chosen that today would be the day that I would leave behind these fetters behind me.  

I was walking with one of my girls today and she said “Sarah, a lot of girls like to be tan, and they call me ugly because I’m pale”  I was thinking 'THIS IS SO WRONG'. All of the girls in my cabin wear so much makeup. They are so young! None of them are even in high school. Yet, they are already enslaved to the makeup industry. They have been sold an impossible standard.

So I told her this “Listen, there comes a time in every woman’s life that she must decide who she is going to listen to about her appearance, the World or the Bible. Never forget, the world always lies, and no matter how hard you try, you will never reach it's standard of perfection. And not only that, but you will spend the rest of you life attempting to maintain a body that is decaying. However, if you choose to listen to the Bible you will gain the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that is very precious in the sight of God.” As I said this to her, I realized I really should be preaching to myself. 

The truth is I haven’t been the best example. I performed during chapel in Monday and I spent 

the time before it obsessing about my appearance in the cabin.  I was such a bad example.

 

Never again. Never again will I determine my worth by my assessment of my physical appearance. Never again will I be such a terrible example to women younger than me. Never again will I allow myself to think these destructive thoughts. Never again will I dishonor the Lord in this way. NEVER AGAIN.

So tonight for part of our devotions I’m going to bring out the cabin trash can, I’m going to take my makeup box and I’m going to throw it in the trash. No more of that. My appearance has become an idol and like Samuel I'm going to "hack him to pieces before the Lord". 

Amen and Amen 

The CV Chronicles: An Open Letter to My Sister

And once again I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts and unable to sleep. I need to be sleeping, my day starts at 6:30 AM tomorrow, but recording my thoughts seems so much more important right now.

Where to begin? I really want to tell you about how incredible this last week was. I want to tell you about all the wonderful ways the Lord has worked in my life.

But honestly, all I can think about right now is my younger sister. Our relationship is very broken right now and this brings much grief to my heart. As painful as it is for me to admit, the current state of our relationship is almost entirely my fault. When I was an unbeliever, I never treated her right. I called her horrid names, held her to an impossible standard and criticized her every move. I refused to forgive the slightest offense. It was so wicked. I shudder when I remember my former ways. 

However, by the sweet, sweet grace of God when Christ entered my heart, all the animosity and bitterness I used to feel was washed away. It has been my aim these past three years to rebuild what I destroyed. Unfortunately, I've had very little success. Currently, my sister won't even talk to me.

I have a picture of her I keep in my wallet, I pulled it out and put it up on my encouragement wall so I would remember to pray for her. I've been writing her letters while I've been here at camp. My mom confirmed that she got them, but I don't know if she reads them. Please pray for our relationship.

If I could just get her to listen to me, this is what I would tell her:

Margaret,
      There are few things I regret more in my life than the way I treated you when we were growing up. If it were possible, I would take back every cruel, ungracious thing I've ever said to you. I am so ashamed of the way I treated you when we were children. I sinned against you and against the Lord. I used to be so angry at you constantly, but now that I know Jesus I am not that way any more. Jesus changed my heart Margaret and I pray that one day He will change yours as well and you will find it possible to forgive me. Jesus loves you and so do I. It is my dearest wish that one day we will be reconciled as not only biological sisters, but sisters in the Lord as well.
     I can tell you from experience Margaret that living a life a part from Christ is no life at all. Carrying around a heart full of anger will ultimately destroy you.

I am here anytime you need me.

Love, 

Sarah Jo

The CV Chronicles: Contentment In All Circumstances

The first week of camp is over. WOW. So much is happened in the last three weeks, I don't even know where to begin. I've wanted to write this blog for several days now, but my mind has been so swamped with thoughts and emotions, it's been out of the question. Attempting to formulate a coherent commentary of my time at CV has left me feeling like a hummingbird trying to find a perch. I'm hoping that my usual trick of writing at odd hours of the night will help me overcome the erratic mess that is my thought life.

First and foremost, I feel compelled to state that it is an incredible blessing to be here at CV. In my few short years at college I have spent time in six different countries and Alaska. I have seen glaciers and climbed active volcanoes. I've zip lined across rivers and tubed in a cave. But, all of that pales in comparison to the pure joy I have experienced in serving at this little camp in nowhere Alabama. To be with the Lord's people in a place where everything is designed to point people to the Lord is indescribable. All I do all day long is talk about the Lord. I have never been happier. The peace I feel is beyond understanding (Philippians 4:6-7). Hebrews 8:11 frequently comes to my mind as I go about my day here. Being here is a glimpse of heaven. 


It's not that my life does not have its trials by no means. I am uncertain as to weather or not my grandma will live to see the end of this summer, most of my scholarship money is getting cut next year and I have no idea how I am going to support myself, and in less that a year I will be graduating and in all likelihood, I will still be single, something I could never have imagined three years ago. 

However, for the first time in my walk with Christ, I can clearly see how God is using these trials as a refiner's fire. Whereas trials used to make me think God didn't care about me, now I know that the Lord is holding my hand through the storm. I am slowly learning to rejoice in all circumstances (I think all that time studying Philippians this year has really paid off). God is using these trials to draw my heart close to His, to purge my soul of sin and to make me totally dependent on Him. 

I spent a lot of time this past school year wrestling in my heart as I tried to comprehend how to give thanks to God for trials. I must have hashed it out a thousand times with one of my roommates, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. Nevertheless, God has once again proved Himself faithful and has shown me through my circumstances what it means to give thanks for trials.

I rejoice that no matter what the circumstances, God is good. 
I rejoice that God is sovereignly bringing about His will in my life.  
I rejoice that Christ is risen and my sins have been paid for.  
I rejoice because I know the fellowship of Christ sufferings.
I rejoice because God has heard the cries of my heart and He is our compassionate High Priest. 
I rejoice because My God is El Roi, The God Who Sees!  


God is using this place to constantly break my heart for the Gospel. I am so overwhelmed that the Holy God the the universe would choose before the beginning of time to redeem a wretch like me. It blows my mind everyday. I am moved to tears as I consider the great love that Christ demonstrated for His people at Calvary.  

More to come tomorrow, I've got to get some sleep so I can be awake for church in the morning. 
 

The Camp Victory Chronicles: Servant Leadership

"For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many." 

~Mark 10:45~

This post marks the end of my first week at Camp Victory! What a week it has been. Lifeguard training ended Thursday. I am now officially a certified lifeguard (for the third time haha). On Friday, the rest of the counselor staff arrived. It was great to meet the rest of my team. I really enjoyed meeting everyone. To top it off, Jenna and Anthony arrived. It fills my heart with joy to have them here with me this summer. Most of the time that I have traveled, it has been by myself, or in the company of unbelievers. That has always been the thorn in my international traveling experiences. I tend to shrivel up on the inside without frequent, Christ-centered fellowship. Knowing that I'll still be able to to talk to someone about CV when I get back to Tampa is such a nice feeling. Someone who understands all the inside jokes and crazy memories that only make sense if you were there.

Yesterday and today were spent in counselor orientation. One of the big topics that has really been emphasized is servant leadership. I've been so impressed with and convicted by the servant's heart that the people here display. Everyone pitches in to help, without complaining and no one thinks they are too good to clean toilets. It's very humbling to realize just how selfish I still am.

There are certain advantages to being a single adult. More freedom for ministry and more personal discretion with your time. However, an unfortunate side effect is a tendency to become unintentionally very self-focused. I spend about 90% of my time doing things that directly benefit myself; I go to school so I can get the degree that I want, I work to pay my bills, I only cook and clean for myself typically etc. Granted, some of this is just a product of the season of life I am in. I don't have a family to take care of and if the Lord has called me to serve Him as a nurse, that requires a degree, which in turn requires a lot of commitment and time. However, CV is serving as a great reminder that the world does not in fact, revolve around me and my plans for the future (how surprising...haha)

Needless to say, I am hoping that this summer I will grow a lot in this area. In the providence of God my church has been studying the book of Philippians in our college and women's ministries the past few months. By the Grace of God I hope to apply this passage to my time here at camp:

^"Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself. Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross."

~Philippians 2:3-8~

All in all, I feel so blessed to be able to a part of this ministry. It is so encouraging to be in a place where The Lord's name is proclaimed constantly. It is so clear to me that everything that we do is to point people to Christ. It's so refreshing to be in this environment after so many years at USF. I really hope that the Lord allows me to serve Him in full time ministry one day.