This is life

 So it looks like I won't be having surgery for awhile. Unfortunately, my doctor found some other abnormalities in my blood work that I need to get checked out by a specialist first. What I thought would be the end has turned out to be just the beginning.

In some ways, the news was a little devastating. For the first time since the diagnosis, I couldn't keep it together. I sat down and cried like a little girl. All the the painful procedures, all the money we spent, was a waste. To make matters worse, I'm probably going to have to redo all the procedures when we get close to the new surgery date.

Now I have to locate yet another doctor. Then it's time to get back on the tilt-a-whirl of tests and procedures to try and figure out what else is wrong with me. 

I don't want anything else to be wrong. I just want to be normal. I'm 21, the problems I'm having are the kinds of problems that you aren't supposed to have to deal with till you're 50.

I feel like my body is rebelling against me. Most days I feel perfectly fine and then out of nowhere I start bleeding so heavily I debate with myself if I need to go to the hospital. It's been really hard to figure out what causes me to start bleeding. I've pretty much figured out that I can't do any lifting. I don't want to sit around like an invalid for the next three months. Besides being bored out of my mind, it would be really bad for me to be that physically inactive. The healthier I am for surgery, the faster I will recover and the less complications I will have. So it's really important for me to exersize.

Being sick has caused a radical shift in my perspective on a a variety of issues. For one, I'm pretty much in favor of the U.S. implementing some sort of socialized medicine reform. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I had this problem and didn't have insurance. One of the biggest reasons my family and I were trying to get my surgery done asap is insurance worries. My insurance is through my Dad, which is through his work. My dad could loose his job at any point in time, which would leave me out of luck until I got a job after graduation. Furthermore, dealing with insurance companies is akin to getting your wisdom teeth removed....without anesthesia. Luckily, I have the most amazing mother in the world and she gets it figured out. Every time I have to call them, it stresses me out so much I just end up crying. and not solving my problem. It's crazy, if a college educated women can't figure out how to navigate insurance, that's a problem.

On the spiritual side of things, it is difficult to see how weak your faith is until you face a trial. Then once you see how weak it is, you wish you couldn't see. This illness has exposed so many deep rooted sins of my heart. Nevertheless, despite how lost I feel, I know that God is with me. I'm not lost.

If God has chosen that this would be the way that I would know Him better, then so be it. If God has desired to answer my prayers through crosses, then who am I to challenge God?

God did not promise that life would be easy and pain free. In fact the opposite is what is guaranteed. We are called to suffer, as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ suffered.

I know these truths in my heart. But sometimes it's hard to live like they are true. I wish I had more insights to share. I wish I could see clearer through this fog. I feel like a small child walking through a deep fog in an unfamiliar area. I can feel my father's hand, but I can't see him. Things that in daylight would be familiar, seem menacing in the shadow. I know where I'm going, but I don't know the path. Even though my Father is there, I'm still scared. The uncertainty is frightening. I call out "I'm so afraid!" And the Father says "rest assured My child, we will get there in time. Rest easy"

 

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you"  

~Isaiah 41:13~