This momentary and light affliction

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you."

~Isaiah 41:13~

SOOOOO... I was supposed to be undergoing major surgery tomorrow.

However, I just received a call from my doctor's office and as it turns out, they're going to have to reschedule the surgery. My doctor is having a personal emergency and to top that off, I'm severely anemic (which was no surprise to me).

To be honest, waiting for this surgery has been a little like waiting for category 5 hurricane to hit your house after you decided not to evacuate. You know you're probably going to survive, but you really don't know how bad the damage is going to be.

On that note, I've officially decided all that idealistic mumbo-jumbo about living everyday like it's your last day is a bunch of hogwash. I can just say that living in light of a very real threat of peril does not inspire me to me to go out and do all the things I never did. I really just want to find a dark hole to curl up in.

This news has come like a blow to the gut. I just want to get this over with. After the call I put my head in my hands and talked to the Maker of the Universe. "God, what is happening? I don't understand. What's the point of all this?"

I grabbed my Bible and opened it to one of its most well worn sections, Hebrews chapter 11-12.

and I read: 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..." 

and as I read, I said to myself "I will have faith in God." Even though I'm really lost right now. Even though I feel like everything in my life is out of control.

As I considered the examples of faith that have been set before me I realized that all of us will have our faith tested in many ways through out our life and I arrived at the same conclusions as the Author:

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

The race of faith is not a sprint, it's a marathon. And you know what? Sometimes marathons have hills. Big hills, impossible hills, hills that come when you least expect them and hills that make you wonder why you ever even decided to run this race.

I made a commitment to follow Christ three years ago this September and in all that time He has never failed me. So in light of His enduring faithfulness, I have decided to trust the Lord and believe that He is good no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the consequences.

I am learning a very key lesson in life right now and it is as follows: God is in control and I am not.


There is one bright spot in all of this. Now I know what its like to be a patient. I know that this is going to make me a better nurse.

I will never again mentally criticize a patient for being needy. Because guess what?  I am a complete space case and very needy. I can't remember anything I'm supposed to do or questions I'm supposed to ask. Stress does funny things to you (and being severely anemic doesn't help either).   

Speaking of stress.... One the one hand, I have been relatively calm about all of this. No crazy break downs or anger outbursts. I know that God is soverign and He is good. God has given me peace with what is happening. On the other hand, I feel like I'm trying to stop a tsunami of uncontrollable anxiety with a boogie board. To be honest, ever since the diagnosis I've had trouble sleeping and I can't seem to focus on anything. It difficult to even read for more then a few minutes at a time. I've turned into a complete flake. I have never experienced this kind of anxiety before, nor these kinds of anxiety symptoms. Though now, it seems what I thought was anxiety is probably an effect of the anemia.

In someways addressing anxiety is difficult. Partially due to the fact that some anxiety symptoms are a natural hormonal response to physical stress that can't be changed (for example, your heart rate going up when you are in pain), but some of it is sin that needs to be put to death. But to be perfectly honest, fighting sin has moved way down on my priority list at the moment. Which is a problem. John Owen said it perfectly "be killing sin or it will be killing you." Believe me, it's killing me right now.

But, you see, I can clearly see that in this brokeness, God's love is shinning through. In the midst of my sin, I am confident that he loves me still. I am living Romans 8 right now. If you've never read that chapter, run, don't walk to your Bible and read it now, and then at least a hundred more times.  Chapter 8 is the Apostle Paul's amazingly stunning conclusion to the whole matter of being justified by faith instead of works.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit."

Halleluiah! What peace to know that my sins will not be counted against me.

Oh, how I long for Heaven! I long to lay down this body of death and put on my body made for glory. Every procedure and every pill is just one more reminder that this is not my home. I was not made for this. I was made to be with Jesus. I am thankful for these reminders. God forbid that I should come to love this world.

I am thankful for one more opportunity to be counted worthy to share in the sufferings of Christ. I am thankful to the the object that God has chosen to display His Glory through.

SOLI DEO GLORIA