The CV Chronicles: Begone Unbelief

“Lord I believe, help my unbelief!”

~Mark 9:24~ 

If you know anything about me, you know I love hymns. My love for hymns began at the time of my salvation. I am frequently given odd looks at USF because I walk around constantly singing to myself, and 9 times out of 10 I am singing a hymn. I love how encouraging and edifying they are. 

Yesterday, unbelief settled like a dark cloud in my heart and followed after me all the day, I couldn't seem to shake it. As I have grown in Christ, satan no longer tempts me to doubt the existence of God, but he does frequently tempt me to doubt the goodness of God. This hymn comforted me in my trial.

Begone, unbelief,
  My Savior is near,
And for my relief
  Will surely appear;
By prayer let me wrestle,
  And He will perform;
With Christ in the vessel,
  I smile at the storm. 

I look at my campers, my little sheep, and I think, what can I do to help them? Some of them have been abused, some of them come from broken homes, some of them are false converts. What can I do to help them? All I have is one week with them. But, the truth is, I CAN'T do anything. But God can do anything!

How frequently do I cry out in prayer in desperation at my own lack of faith. I doubt the Lord so much, I disgust myself. I doubt His love, I doubt that He will work, I doubt His care. I hate it, I hate it I hate it. Why so frequently do my emotions not match my understanding? I know that the Lord loves me yet I still doubt. "OH WRETCHED MAN THAT I AM, WHO WILL DELIVER ME FROM THIS BODY OF DEATH"

 Though dark be my way,
  Since He is my Guide,
'Tis mine to obey,
  'Tis His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken,
  And creatures all fail,
The word He hath spoken
  Shall surely prevail.

I persistently struggle with desiring the approval of other Christians. Non-believers opinions don’t tend to affect me because, from my point of view, they are not evaluating me on God’s standards. However, believers, in my mind, are. So I take their opinion on the level of God’s. Which is so irrational, it hardly requires explanation. If I feel like brother or a sister disapproves of me, it shakes me up.

Why should I complain
  Of want or distress,
Temptation or pain?
  He told me no less;
The heirs of salvation,
  I know from His Word,
Through much tribulation
  Must follow their Lord.

Since all that I meet
  Shall work for my good,
The bitter is sweet,
  The medicine, food;
Though painful at present,
  'Twill cease before long,
And then, oh, how pleasant
  The conqueror's song!
 

Last night we had our own little CV 4th of July celebration. One of our staff has an air cannon that He uses to shoot glow sticks in the air. It's pretty cool. So we shot off glow sticks and let the campers catch them. While we were waiting for our turn, I set my little campers down and as I looked down at them my heart was filled with compassion and love for them. I love these little guys, I would do anything for them. They're my little sheep, almost entirely helpless. But you know what? I don't mind at all. I don't mind that they ask me the same thousand questions everyday, and loose everything, and spill their drinks at every meal and wake me up at 4am because they are scared. I love them.

I think God uses moments like this to show me how much He loves me. If I can have this much love, being the wretched sinner that I am, and these not even my own children, how much does He love me, His daughter?

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" 

~ Romans 8:32~

What a weak vessel I am.

But what a strong savior is my God!