The Death of an idol (finally)

I have dreamed of having my own family since I was a little girl. Dreamed, schemed, plotted and planned. It was the thing I wanted most in my life and I wanted it bad. Once I turned 18, the hunt was on. The goal: Find a husband or die trying. I pleaded with the Lord "give me a husband or I'll die!" I was convinced that there was no worse fate then prolonged singleness. I mean everyone knows what happens to women who are single after the age of 25. They end up living alone, or worse yet living in the back bedroom of their parents home passing away the years until they die. Doomed to a lonely, purposeless, bitter existence. Always the bridesmaid, but never the bride. Forever wiping the noses of other people children, never really experiencing life at its fullest. Watching as everyone in her life eventually leaves or dies. For all intensive purposes, alone in this world, a nobody.

Okay, so maybe I'm a bit dramatic.

However,  things have changed over the past few months, 

For the first time in my life I'm not afraid of being single any more. It's the strangest feeling I have ever felt. I never thought I would be able to say that. For so long, I was so consumed with this idea of family, I couldn't think straight. I was so scared of being alone. I looked to family to provide everything I thought I ever needed; love, acceptance, security, identity.

Everything I should find in Christ.

We serve a patient God do we not? Can I get an amen?

I am reminded of the story of of Jesus' encounter with a Samaritan women in John 4. Though she has had five husband and I have had none, we are more a like then we are different. Both of us were thirsty, thirsty in more ways then we knew. Both of us had grown weary of trying to drink from our own cisterns, only to have what we thought was water turn to dust in our mouths. 

Jesus told that women "Whoever drinks of this water will thirst again, but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water that I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life.” (John 4:13-14)

Oh Lord, may your word become to me a fountain of life springing up inside of me. 

Dissapointed by Jesus

Sometimes things don't go the way I had hoped. The pain and disappoint from the death of a dream can be excruciating. The question that always burns in my my mind is "why?."

"Why, Lord, why?" Why are you taking something that has been so good? I thought this was your will? What changed? Why do things always have to be so hard?"

It is in these moments that I must cling as tightly as possible to the Word of God. For "man shall not live by bread alone; but man lives by every word that proceeds from the mouth of the LORD." (Deuteronomy 8:3). Scriptures says that "whom the LORD loves He chastens". We are commanded not to despise the discipline of the Lord. For though it is painful, God has promised that it will yield the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (Hebrews 12).

I am moved and comforted by the intensity of the love The Lord has for us, his children. He has continually provided over and above my needs. I will praise him for all that He is.

The promises of God found in the pages of Scripture are a continuous source of comfort to me. I have prayed before that God would give me the faith to believe these words, and through this circumstance I have come to see that he has answered my prayer.

I serve a God who has declared that his love is from everlasting to everlasting. (Psalm 103:17)

" Can a woman forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb?
Surely they may forget,
Yet I will not forget you. (Isaiah 49:15)

"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you" (Deuteronomy 31:6)

He has also said that he is working all things out for my good (Romans 8:28). And That " No good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Psalm 84:11)

The Lord's timing is so far beyond my comprehension. I just finished reading Trusting God by Jerry Bridges (a must read for every christian). And looky here, a perfect opportunity to trust God in all things.

A very special young man once told me that

"He who deserves nothing, should be content with anything."

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/disappointed-by-jesus

Honduras

Dear friends and family,

I have wonderful news to share with you. The Lord has graciously allowed me to have the opportunity to go serve a missionary family for two weeks in Siguatepeque, Honduras. This will be my first short term missions trip. While I am there I will be helping out with the daycare for single mothers and the medical clinic that they run. I will be leaving in four weeks! Things sure change fast for me!

PLEASE pray for the Patterson family (the missionaries). Pray for the work they do in sharing the gospel. Pray that God will be glorified in everything we do. Also, please pray that God will use this opportunity to conform me more to the character of his Son.

If possible, would you prayerfully consider supporting me financially? I need to raise $600 for my plane ticket and room/board. Any extra money that is raised will be donated to the missionaries. If you're interested please feel free to email me or call me with any questions.

You can mail checks to me at:
Sarah Jo Spears
11711 N. 50th St. Apt. 207B
Tampa Fl, 33617

An open letter to my father

Daddy,

Tomorrow is Father's day and I should probably be studying right now, as I have two exams Monday morning. However, be that as it may, I've been thinking a lot about you today. I wanted to wish you a happy Fathers Day. I know that I haven't always been the best at keeping up with birthdays and holidays, especially since I've moved to Tampa. So, I hope this letter will suffice.

I worked 12 hours today. It was a long day. But you know, whenever I think about how hard I have to work, I remember that I have never worked (and probably never will) as hard as you have. I remember growing up watching you go to work at all hours of the night. I remember you working out in the hot sun for 16+ hours, only to come home, sleep for a few hours and then get up and go to work again. You showed me to never be afraid of hard work. That is one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned.

Despite how much you had to work, you always had time for us. You were there for us every weekend. To take us out on the lake, or out on our four-wheelers. You came to more of my band performances than anyone else.

And one thing, thank you for disciplining me. I might have hated you when I didn't get my way, But, everyday I am more and more grateful for the discipline you instilled in me. There are so many kids out there these days in self-destruct mode because they never learned to control themselves. Even when I was a rebellious teenager, and I thought that I hated you, I never did, I always knew that you were my dad and that you were on my side.

Dad, I don't think i've ever told you, but I am so proud that you are my daddy. God could not have given me a better father. You have overcome so much in your life. You have made me believe in giving people second chances. Because of you, I know that it is possible to overcome any obstacle. You taught me to be brave and to stand up for what I believe in.

I know sometimes you feel like you weren't a a good dad, that you could have done better. But I want you to know that I that I thank God for you everyday. You have made me the woman I am today. I never would have made it this far without your instruction. You taught me to stand on my own two feet and to stand by my beliefs, for better or for worse.

You gave me a better childhood than any one person deserves. I remember being little and crawling in your lap and asking for a "sip of your tea" and you always gave me some, even though mom didn't like us drinking it. I remember laying in bed and hearing the sound of your motorcycle pulling up into the driveway and drifting off to sleep knowing I was safe cause you were home. I remember being a teenager and running into your room in the middle of the night to wake you up so you could kill the "giant" spider in the hallway. You always would. I remember going to car shows, gun shows, motorcycle shows and flea markets together. Truth be told, I never got into most of that stuff, but I loved being with you. I loved when it was just me and you. If I was going to draw a picture of what happiness looks like I would draw a picture of me and you, riding in a truck with the windows down on a cool spring day, eating boiled peanuts and listening to country music.

Daddy, I hope I make you proud. I try really hard at school because I know you worked hard to help me get here. I hope that you are pleased with the choices I have made. I am, and always will be your princess.

I love you with all of my heart,
Sarah Jo

Dicontentment Part 2

I'm half way though my first semester of nursing. It blows my mind that the summer has passed so quickly. Being in nursing school is different than anything else I've ever experienced. It's honestly a full time job. I've really been struggling with being discontent. I feel like I shouldn't have to be here, shouldn't have to being doing all this school work in the summer. I have gotten to the point where I wish I was anywhere but here. I can hardly stand going on facebook anymore because all I see is everyone else getting to do everything I wish I was doing. I'm tired of getting up early, I'm tired of studying all the time, tired of being around stressed out exhausted people constantly. Please pray for me.


I wrote this in class today:

"I never realized,
when I let that first thought
sink down in my heart
That it would come to this

like an Israelite
accusing God, blaming God
"Why did you bring us out here to die!"
Lusting after meat, after milk
Desiring to create a God they could control

Never satisfied

Discontentment, a thorny weed
Choking the life of the branches
fruit, once ripe, sweet, now shriveled, bitter

I have made my bed amidst the thorns
seeking what can never be found there
Looking for something to ease the ache
Yet, the more I turn over and over
The more the thorns tear my flesh"

In my foolishness I could not see how allowing myself to dwell on the things I could not have, would steal the joy of the things I do have.

Dicontentment

I have said before that I occasionally happen to enjoy listening to a certain country artist, because "You know, sometimes she really just knows how to say things". However, forget Taylor Swift. You know who really knows how to say what I'm feeling? King David. Seriously, I can't think of a feeling or emotional experience that I have had that I haven't seen expressed in the pages of the psalms.

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. This is usually a result of having unrepentant sin in my heart. I don't know how other people feel when they have sin that they haven't repented of, but I feel awful.

Psalm 32:1-5
Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.
² Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.

³ When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.
⁴ For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer. Selah
⁵ I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.

When I was a younger believer I didn't know what was going on and I would just ignore it or just tell myself I was just having an off day. Granted, when I was younger believer my conscience was incredibly sensitive so I spent a lot of time feeling like the scum of the earth over things that weren't really sin and very little time being concerned with the things that actually mattered.

I have learned that there is no cure for this feeling besides repentance. No matter how long I ignore it, it will not go away. The only thing to do is forsake my pride, humble myself before the Lord and repent.

If there is one thing I have learned recently, it is this: I am not a patient person. The terrible thing with my impatience is how often it leads me to other sins. I begin to be impatient with a situation in my life and then before you know it, I am complaining, whining and discontent. In my heart I have accused God of withholding something good from me, something that I "deserve". I complain to God that "it's not fair."

¹⁴ "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death."

~James 1:14-15

(On a side note, James is probably the most convicting book in the bible for me, I am humbled every time I read it)

I essentially spent all of yesterday evening complaining to myself. I allowed myself to believe the lie that God is keeping something from me, where scripture clearly states that God is working all things for my good and that he withholds no good thing from me.

8 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. " ~Romans 8:8

^{Psalm 84:10-12
10} For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.

¹² O LORD of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!

I tell myself if I just had things my way, things would be better and I would be happy. I whined and grumbled to myself all evening and managed to get myself in quite a rotten mood. Eventually, I felt so rotten I just went to bed. Which resulted in my me waking up this morning needing to repent.

To be completely honest the thing I am most impatient about in my life right now is marriage. I don't stop to thank God that he has provided for me financially or to thank him that I have relatively few responsibilities and am thus able to concentrate on school. I have this tendency to ignore all the good things I do have in my life and focus on the one thing I don't have. I start start comparing myself to others. "Well, they get to be married, how come I don't get to? It's not fair. "

You know, it isn't fair. But, praise the Lord I don't get what's fair. If I got what was fair I would be burning in hell for all eternity. That's what I deserve because I crucified the son of God. Jesus Christ the son of God was crucified because of my sin. I need to remember that God doesn't owe me anything. God, in his sovereign plan could keep me single for the rest of my life. And he would have every right to do that. We aren't equals, I am his slave. That's why I pray "thy will be done", not "my will be done."

I watched two very contrasting movies tonight.

The first was Easy A (if you haven't seen it, don't). I am actually fairly embarrassed to admit that I watch movies like that. Its a terrible habit I've picked up. It's so funny, I wouldn't dare watch a movie like that at school, but at home I don't think twice. I tell myself that I need to relax and take my mind off the stress of life, but inside my conscience is screaming at me. Time is so precious, and I am willing to squander it on a movie like that? I am deeply ashamed of myself. How could I let myself sit there and ingest filth like that? I tell myself that I need to take a break from thinking, that I've worked hard, that I deserve to rest. Lies, all lies. Lies my flesh comes up with to indulge itself. If there is one thing that is clear to me today, the day of my baptism, it is this: I am a wicked sinner saved by grace, by Christ alone. And, I am still just as in need of that grace as I was the day I was regenerated. I need so much grace everyday. I must learn to find my rest in Christ, not in the trash of this world.

On a side note, if you are having a hard time understanding your need for grace or you currently think that you are a good person, may I suggest reading through the old testament? I am reading through the OT right now with my mentor from GBCT and we just finished up the Pentateuch. If there's one thing that I have learned from reading the Law it's this: I deserve to die for my sins, hands down. God killed people in the OT for far, far less then the sins I have committed. Seriously, if I was an Israelite leaving Egypt, I wouldn't have made it to the Red Sea, I wouldn't have made it to Mt. Sinai. No, I would have stepped one foot out of Egypt and blasphemed, complained and rebelled all in one sentence and straight up died.

The second movie I watched was God Grew Tired Of Us. It's a documentary about the Sudanese civil war. I really like watching documentaries. For background on the conflict read Second Sudanese War. The movie focuses specifically on the lives of a generation of boys called the lost boys. These boys were displaced from Sudan during the war and after traveling thousands of miles, eventually became refugees in Kenya. Thousands lost their lives to starvation, disease or military attacks.

I've often struggled with the question of why I have so much when others have so little. I have asked God for an answer but so far He has remained silent in the specifics. I have learned to rest in His sovereignty and trust the goodness of His plan. But, still I wrestle in my heart. I see the bodies of children emaciated and disease ridden. I see the war torn earth, cracked and dry, begging for healing from the skies. My breath catches in my throat and I feel so incredibly helpless. The absolute suffering, the desperation and the vile abuse that so many people experience, is beyond my imagination. My heart cries out to God for relief. Lord Jesus, come quickly and make all things new.

My worst fear is that one day, far quicker then I ever expected, I will wake up old and decrepit, only to look back with agonizing regret and realize that I have squandered my life. My one and only life here on earth I wasted in vain pursuits and useless pleasures. I have been given so many resources, may it never be that I waste them.

Lord, take my life, all of it. Suck it dry for your Kingdom. Use me up. Take it, take it all, every last thing. I don't want it anymore.

Lord send me, i'll go.