I have said before that I occasionally happen to enjoy listening to a certain country artist, because "You know, sometimes she really just knows how to say things". However, forget Taylor Swift. You know who really knows how to say what I'm feeling? King David. Seriously, I can't think of a feeling or emotional experience that I have had that I haven't seen expressed in the pages of the psalms.
This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. This is usually a result of having unrepentant sin in my heart. I don't know how other people feel when they have sin that they haven't repented of, but I feel awful.
Psalm 32:1-5
Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.
2 Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.
4 For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer. Selah
5 I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.
Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.
2 Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.
4 For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer. Selah
5 I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.
When I was a younger believer I didn't know what was going on and I would just ignore it or just tell myself I was just having an off day. Granted, when I was younger believer my conscience was incredibly sensitive so I spent a lot of time feeling like the scum of the earth over things that weren't really sin and very little time being concerned with the things that actually mattered.
I have learned that there is no cure for this feeling besides repentance. No matter how long I ignore it, it will not go away. The only thing to do is forsake my pride, humble myself before the Lord and repent.
If there is one thing I have learned recently, it is this: I am not a patient person. The terrible thing with my impatience is how often it leads me to other sins. I begin to be impatient with a situation in my life and then before you know it, I am complaining, whining and discontent. In my heart I have accused God of withholding something good from me, something that I "deserve". I complain to God that "it's not fair."
14 "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15 Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death."
(On a side note, James is probably the most convicting book in the bible for me, I am humbled every time I read it)~James 1:14-15
I essentially spent all of yesterday evening complaining to myself. I allowed myself to believe the lie that God is keeping something from me, where scripture clearly states that God is working all things for my good and that he withholds no good thing from me.
8 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. " ~Romans 8:8
Psalm 84:10-12
10 For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
11 For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.
12 O LORD of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!
I tell myself if I just had things my way, things would be better and I would be happy. I whined and grumbled to myself all evening and managed to get myself in quite a rotten mood. Eventually, I felt so rotten I just went to bed. Which resulted in my me waking up this morning needing to repent.
To be completely honest the thing I am most impatient about in my life right now is marriage. I don't stop to thank God that he has provided for me financially or to thank him that I have relatively few responsibilities and am thus able to concentrate on school. I have this tendency to ignore all the good things I do have in my life and focus on the one thing I don't have. I start start comparing myself to others. "Well, they get to be married, how come I don't get to? It's not fair. "
You know, it isn't fair. But, praise the Lord I don't get what's fair. If I got what was fair I would be burning in hell for all eternity. That's what I deserve because I crucified the son of God. Jesus Christ the son of God was crucified because of my sin. I need to remember that God doesn't owe me anything. God, in his sovereign plan could keep me single for the rest of my life. And he would have every right to do that. We aren't equals, I am his slave. That's why I pray "thy will be done", not "my will be done."
You know, it isn't fair. But, praise the Lord I don't get what's fair. If I got what was fair I would be burning in hell for all eternity. That's what I deserve because I crucified the son of God. Jesus Christ the son of God was crucified because of my sin. I need to remember that God doesn't owe me anything. God, in his sovereign plan could keep me single for the rest of my life. And he would have every right to do that. We aren't equals, I am his slave. That's why I pray "thy will be done", not "my will be done."
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