I watched two very contrasting movies tonight.

The first was Easy A (if you haven't seen it, don't). I am actually fairly embarrassed to admit that I watch movies like that. Its a terrible habit I've picked up. It's so funny, I wouldn't dare watch a movie like that at school, but at home I don't think twice. I tell myself that I need to relax and take my mind off the stress of life, but inside my conscience is screaming at me. Time is so precious, and I am willing to squander it on a movie like that? I am deeply ashamed of myself. How could I let myself sit there and ingest filth like that? I tell myself that I need to take a break from thinking, that I've worked hard, that I deserve to rest. Lies, all lies. Lies my flesh comes up with to indulge itself. If there is one thing that is clear to me today, the day of my baptism, it is this: I am a wicked sinner saved by grace, by Christ alone. And, I am still just as in need of that grace as I was the day I was regenerated. I need so much grace everyday. I must learn to find my rest in Christ, not in the trash of this world.

On a side note, if you are having a hard time understanding your need for grace or you currently think that you are a good person, may I suggest reading through the old testament? I am reading through the OT right now with my mentor from GBCT and we just finished up the Pentateuch. If there's one thing that I have learned from reading the Law it's this: I deserve to die for my sins, hands down. God killed people in the OT for far, far less then the sins I have committed. Seriously, if I was an Israelite leaving Egypt, I wouldn't have made it to the Red Sea, I wouldn't have made it to Mt. Sinai. No, I would have stepped one foot out of Egypt and blasphemed, complained and rebelled all in one sentence and straight up died.

The second movie I watched was God Grew Tired Of Us. It's a documentary about the Sudanese civil war. I really like watching documentaries. For background on the conflict read Second Sudanese War. The movie focuses specifically on the lives of a generation of boys called the lost boys. These boys were displaced from Sudan during the war and after traveling thousands of miles, eventually became refugees in Kenya. Thousands lost their lives to starvation, disease or military attacks.

I've often struggled with the question of why I have so much when others have so little. I have asked God for an answer but so far He has remained silent in the specifics. I have learned to rest in His sovereignty and trust the goodness of His plan. But, still I wrestle in my heart. I see the bodies of children emaciated and disease ridden. I see the war torn earth, cracked and dry, begging for healing from the skies. My breath catches in my throat and I feel so incredibly helpless. The absolute suffering, the desperation and the vile abuse that so many people experience, is beyond my imagination. My heart cries out to God for relief. Lord Jesus, come quickly and make all things new.

My worst fear is that one day, far quicker then I ever expected, I will wake up old and decrepit, only to look back with agonizing regret and realize that I have squandered my life. My one and only life here on earth I wasted in vain pursuits and useless pleasures. I have been given so many resources, may it never be that I waste them.

Lord, take my life, all of it. Suck it dry for your Kingdom. Use me up. Take it, take it all, every last thing. I don't want it anymore.

Lord send me, i'll go.