Humility

Humility has been the theme of this year so far, specifically my lack of it. The bible says that God HATES pride (proverbs 6:16, 11:2). Every day it seems like I get knocked down from another pedestal. You'd think i'd learn the first time, but no, not me, I'm a slow learner. In fact, it wouldn't be that far from the the truth to say that I have a mountain of pedestals, a staircase of arrogance leading up to the golden image I've created of myself.

I like to play pretend that I'm this mature, spiritual adult who really has this whole Jesus thing figured out. But, that's a lie (interesting enough, though I can't really manage to lie very well to others, I sure can lie to myself most effectively). But, I'm a baby, I'm still drinking out of a bottle for goodness sakes. I know nothing. I used to sit in church and listen to people speak and pat myself on the back for my understanding of the scriptures, for how much historical background and facts I knew. Now I struggle to comprehend even the most basic of Christian life principals. I can say that I know things, but my actions revel just how ignorant I really am.

"You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked." Revelation 3:17

So I have an apology to make
To everyone who has had to deal with the brunt of my arrogance

I am sorry

I am sorry that a lot of the time I treat conversations like a battle to win. I concentrate more on being right, then on truly listening to you, more on proving my point, then on getting to know and love you.

I am sorry that more often then not I am quick to point out exactly how you are wrong before I even listen to what you have to say.

I have taken a faith that is rich and life-giving, a truth that can make you whole and bastardized it. I've turned the message of hope that is Jesus Christ into a narrow list of Do's and Don'ts, that excludes out of self-righteousness rather then includes out of love. I have cheapened the Gospel.

I am sorry for my lack of listening. I know I've hurt people, and I regret it.

I apologize for the way my pride, arrogance and self-righteousness has made me blind to the needs of others.

I made the mistake of thinking that my foremost responsibility in life is to convince you that my view point is right. But, this a lie born of foolishness and pride.

I am a pharisee, I have strained out a gnat and swallowed a camel.

I am now aware that the message of Christ is one of love and hope, not morality and self-righteousness.

I have exchanged the truth for a lie.
I will do this no more.

For all of this I am truly, truly sorry

Having come to the realization that I have been a pharisee, I was greatly disturbed. The only people Christ ever condemned were the pharisees, the only people he ever got mad and yelled at. Over and over, he specifically warns us that we are not to judge, that only God has the righteousness to Judge. He warns us that by whatever measure we judge, we will also be judged (Matthew 7:1).

As I was meditating on all that God had shown me about my sin. I thought "will God forgive me for all of this? Can he forgive me for all of this?" I almost laughed at myself, because I remember growing up in church and hearing people ask that same question. I remember thinking that they were stupid for even feeling that way. But today, I empathized. I understand now how one can feel unforgivable. I felt that way today. I understand how one can feel like they've finally gone to far. I felt that way today.

BUT!!! This is the gospel, right here! This is the key. It's not about our righteousness, our deeds (or misdeeds) or anything we do. It's about Christ work at Calvary, it's about his righteousness!
That's the beauty of it, the mystery that I often overlook. God chose me, before I had done anything and he has still chosen me after everything that I've done.

I recently heard a message on the prodigal son. In the past I've always aligned myself with the older brother. I totally understood his anger. Why should God forgive his lazy spoiled younger brother? You could have called me Jonah, angry at God for being merciful and kind.

But, now I see that I am the prodigal son. I have squandered my inheritance on wicked things. I have lost everything because of my sin. I have been so hungry that I have eaten the rotting flesh of this world.
When the prodigal son came home, his father ran to him when he was a far way off. He didn't wait for him to finish dragging himself to the door, he didn't wait for him to take a shower and get clean enough to be presentable, he didn't wait for him to grovel and his feet.

He ran out to meet him!!!

God came running to me when I was yet a far way off, when I was still covered in the grime of my sin.

The father gave his son his best robe, his signet ring (the ring signified that the son had the authority that the father did as the owner of the estate), he slaughtered the fattened calf (the most expensive animal).

'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'

– (Luke 15:31-32, NIV)

I am alive in Christ. Praise the Lord

"Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!" Revelation 5:12

Things you never know about yourself

It's funny, how you think you know yourself, then one day you realize that you have a lot of misconceptions about the kind of person you are, in fact you're just plain wrong on a couple of things.

This has been happening to me fairly regularly as of late (I think that's a part of growing up, I don't know, 'cause I've never grown up before lol). One of the things I've realized about myself recently is that I'm pretty high strung. I always figure I was a pretty relaxed person, you know a free spirit. But, no I'm not, I'm a rule follower and moderately conformist, I don't like to make waves (to bad my beliefs create a tidal wave every time I open my mouth). I'm also really passionate, when I care about something, I care.

The other thing I realized is that I'm passionately pro-life. The had a display today down by the marshal center from a pro-life group. I realized how much I care about the atrocity that abortion is. All things aside, no matter what your excuse is for why you think abortion should be legal, it comes down to "is it wrong to take another human beings life?" if you answer yes then "when is a human, a human?" I choose to believe that what makes a human being human is the fact that they have DNA distinctly different from any other person (except in the cases of twins, which is the one exception, they're still humans duh) that can never be replicated ever again. There will never be another you, each person is unique. A unique set of DNA is created at conception, this is why life begins at conception.

I am pro-life. I think each person is a unique individual created by God, given life by God and we have no right to take it away.

*note, I also believe that using contraception is wrong, but I'll probably getting around to talking about that later.

Grace

Grace is a God thing my friends. It is beautiful, mysterious and wonderful.
If you know me, you know that I'm pretty intense sometimes (well most of the time)



When someone gives you grace, its like a burden has been lifted off your shoulders. Then you can give yourself grace and remember that the Lord remembers your frame, he know what you are human (Psalm 103)

Birthday

Well today I am a whole 'nother year older. I have officially occupied this earth for a full 19 years. It's amazing how fast time flies (I know, I know it's cliche, but that doesn't mean it's not also true).

As birthday's go this was a rather nice one. It was beautiful weather for February outside. I had breakfast with my friend Crystal, lunch with my friend Jenn and dinner with just about everybody I could manage to round up. I also got to skype with my friend who is studying abroad in Japan, that is always a blessing. On top of that, my parents came over yesterday and took me out for lunch. It was good to talk to them and spend time with them. I love both of them so much.
I am so richly blessed with friends and family. I honestly feel like a rich women when I am around them. Never in a million years did I ever consider that I would be so blessed.

Birthdays always make me think about things. Like what I've done, where I'm going, who I am, who I'm going to be be etc.
I had a fairly eventful 19th year. I graduated from high school, gave my life to christ, flew to California for a week to visit my brother, taught swimming for 14 weeks straight, went on my first backpacking trip, moved to Tampa, started college, made tons of friends, joined the navigators, went to a football game, learned how to long board, learned how to swing dance, won free boba three times!, managed to pull through with straight A's, spent four weeks with the family, went on a daniel's fast for forty days, came back to college, made more friends, had more fun...

I've changed and grown in more ways then I can imagine. I guess that's what supposed to happen? Who knows, honestly?

I guess I'm still figuring out this whole adult thing. Which is slightly ridiculous, considering I've been a legal adult for a year now. Well, everything in God's timing I suppose...

Mostly, I've been learning to lean on God and trust him completely. It's been an adventure to say the least. I have a terrible tendency of clinging tightly to my plans and the false sense of security they bring. God decided to remove that from my character recently and believe me, my stubbornness made it less then fun.

I had been really set on going to a Navigator STP (summer training program), I had talked with people, prayed about it and even filled out the application. But unbeknown to me, my family has been planning to take a three week road trip to California and back this summer. So that's just one of those family activities you just don't miss, if you know what I mean. At first I was really upset, "my" family was intervening on "my" plans. This is a very bad attitude to have, in case you're wondering. So I was filled with anxiety all week long. Until I went for a long run and finally told God "you know what, fine, it's not my summer, it's not my time, it's not my life, it's not my decision, if you want me to chill with my family all summer long, fine, i'll do what you want." Now, if only I can learn to say that right away with a willing and submissive heart. One step at a time I guess...

So here I am, I'm not sure what I'm doing this summer, I'm not sure where I'm living next year (I applied to be an RA and I don't find out for a couple of weeks), I don't know where I'm going after graduation, in fact I don't know much of anything about anything past the end of this week.

It used to really bother me when I didn't have a plan. I was the girl with a plan (and an opinion, but that's another topic for later discussion), I took great pride in my ability to plan and control my life. Which come to think of it is probably why that part of me had to go. Never could manage to make pride and God fit in my heart, go figure.

Here I am world, broken in Christ arms, ready to love like crazy.

X-TAWG

This morning I attended my first X-TAWG which is Navigator jargon for extended time alone with God. Basically, you spend a Saturday morning chilling with the creator of the universe. Sounds cool right? I didn't have a lot of expectations going in (so what exactly am I supposed to do with 3 hours, really?). However, despite this, I ended up having a great time. The hours literally flew by, I could have gone on for the rest of the day honestly. When we were praying as a group to wrap things up I was honestly saddened that it was over. I wanted to go back to being with God.

I learned a lot in just a few sweet, precious hours. I started out just journaling about something that had been making me sad lately. The funny thing that I've realized recently is that, for some reason or another, I have a pretty hard time approaching God when I'm upset (sad, angry, lonely, etc.). My general response when something upsets me is to retreat inside myself until I have a handle on my emotions. I'm perfectly okay with letting God know how happy I am about something, but when something bothers me I don't want to talk about it. It was hard to sort through all that but then I started reading in the Psalms. Another funny thing, is I've never really had a hard time relating to the God described in the Old Testament but a much harder time understanding the grace of Jesus Christ (I think most people are the other way around?)

So when I started reading Psalm 139, 103 and 104, I was moved to tears. God loves me in all my brokenness, with all my emotional baggage. There was a moment when I was sitting outside the marshal center in the amphitheater, it was warm and a gentle breeze was flowing, there was no one around and God really spoke to me and he said loud and clear "I am with you".

Psalm 103

A Psalm of David.

1 Bless the LORD, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
2 Bless the LORD, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
3 Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
4 Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
5 Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
(I love verses 3 -5. God does so much for me)
6 The LORD executes righteousness
And justice for all who are oppressed.
(God cares for the downtrodden and he will bring about justice for them)
7 He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the children of Israel.
8 The LORD is merciful and gracious,
Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy.
9 He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
10 He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor punished us according to our iniquities.
(I think this amazing. I used to feel like God was out to punish me, that he was like one of those people who would kick you when you're down. But, I've discovered the truth, a lot of the time God protects us from the really consequences of our sins, simply because he loves us. He does this daily and he did it ultimately when he crushed his son for our sins. How wonderful is that?)
11 For as the heavens are high above the earth,
So great is His mercy toward those who fear Him;
12 As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
(We don't have to carry to burden of our guilt anymore! We're free, We are free! All the pain, guilt and shame have been taken off of us. How beautiful is that?)
13 As a father pities his children,
So the LORD pities those who fear Him.
14 For He knows our frame;
He remembers that we are dust.
(he know that we're human, that we're going to make mistakes, but he is patient and waits for us with open arms)
15 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
16 For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.^a]">[a]
17 But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting
On those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children’s children,
18 To such as keep His covenant,
And to those who remember His commandments to do them.

19 The LORD has established His throne in heaven,
And His kingdom rules over all.

20 Bless the LORD, you His angels,
Who excel in strength, who do His word,
Heeding the voice of His word.
21 Bless the LORD, all you His hosts,
You ministers of His, who do His pleasure.
22 Bless the LORD, all His works,
In all places of His dominion.

Bless the LORD, O my soul!

New Beginings

So I'm already into the second week of my second semester as a college student. My how time flies.

I can't believe the way things are changing. It's like my life's been turned on its head. Things I used to care about, hardly seem mentioning any more. I've really settled into this whole college thing. I feel like I'm starting to get things figured out.

Look out USF, momma Sarah has arrived...

Well I've been at USF for six full days now. I mean full days. Gods got my wheels turning and I'm ready to go!

If you ever heard me talk about relationships you know that it's something I've struggled with. I grew up a tom boy. I spent most of my time hanging around guys and thinking that most girls were nasty and not worth knowing. Friendship wise, I was way off balance. I also had several very unhealthy dating relationships with guys during my high school years.
When I got to college, I had only been a Christian for a couple of months. I sort of new that I was supposed to spend time with girls, but I knew how to be friends with guys and I knew how to relate to them, so at the beginning of last semester I ended up (surprisingly) with a lot of guy friends and only a couple of girl friends.

God's been really working on my heart and I'm real excited about all the new girlfriends I've made over the past semester. so well see how it goes