An exercize in futility

Most days if you asked me about how I like nursing, I'll tell you 'I love it!'. I will go on and on about how much I love teaching people about their bodies and serving them in their time of need. I'll tell you that I know that God made me to be a nurse. I'll talk about how great it is to be able to do the work I do. I will be all smiles and excitement. 

However, I think that my general tendency to be positive masks the pain that my profession often brings. I don't bring this up to complain. I think it's important to talk about the painful parts of our life, because more often then not, these are the areas that God is using to make us like his Son. Don't get me wrong, nursing is a job -no, a calling- that brings great joy. But, it will break your heart too.

Some people respond by saying that you shouldn't get emotionally involved, that if your heart breaks, you are doing something wrong. I ardently dissagree with that sentiment. What kind of person would I be if I didn't grieve with the mother of a stillborn child, or with the patient who just found out their cancer is inoperable? Caring hurts, but I want it to hurt. I never want to be numb to the pain of the world.

Jesus did not turn His face away from the reality of suffering, He did not run, He did not hide. For thirty-three years He walked among the broken, the lame and the blind. During his earthly ministry He healed thousands that had no hope. He healed them because he felt compassion on them. Then at his crucifixion Jesus felt the weight of the sin of His elect, He bore their pain, their sorrow. He did not turn away but faced the reality of suffering the full cup of God's wrath.

And now as God's servant, I too share in His sufferings. I walk the halls of this hospital and I hear their cries. And friends, some days it hurts. Some days it hurts a lot. To know that there are so many souls within these walls on the brink of death, unready for eternity. And I feel so burdened. And then I remember what the Scripture says.

"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” 

~Matthew 11:28-19~

 ^"Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need"

~Hebrews 4:14-16~

In reflecting over everything that has occurred this past month, I have come see that the practice of medicine is, at best, a practice in futility. It's like bailing water in a ship full of holes, I'm only delaying the inevitable. This is a hard reality face, to feel unable to help in the face of immense suffering.

Every nurse has to find a way to deal with the emotional drain of nursing. Some can't, they leave the profession (the turn over rate in nursing is very high), some drink, some smoke, a lot eat. I write blogs about Jesus and sing hymns to Him with my guitar.

Father, I do not ask that you remove this burden from my back, but simply that you strengthen my back to bear it.

This is life

 So it looks like I won't be having surgery for awhile. Unfortunately, my doctor found some other abnormalities in my blood work that I need to get checked out by a specialist first. What I thought would be the end has turned out to be just the beginning.

In some ways, the news was a little devastating. For the first time since the diagnosis, I couldn't keep it together. I sat down and cried like a little girl. All the the painful procedures, all the money we spent, was a waste. To make matters worse, I'm probably going to have to redo all the procedures when we get close to the new surgery date.

Now I have to locate yet another doctor. Then it's time to get back on the tilt-a-whirl of tests and procedures to try and figure out what else is wrong with me. 

I don't want anything else to be wrong. I just want to be normal. I'm 21, the problems I'm having are the kinds of problems that you aren't supposed to have to deal with till you're 50.

I feel like my body is rebelling against me. Most days I feel perfectly fine and then out of nowhere I start bleeding so heavily I debate with myself if I need to go to the hospital. It's been really hard to figure out what causes me to start bleeding. I've pretty much figured out that I can't do any lifting. I don't want to sit around like an invalid for the next three months. Besides being bored out of my mind, it would be really bad for me to be that physically inactive. The healthier I am for surgery, the faster I will recover and the less complications I will have. So it's really important for me to exersize.

Being sick has caused a radical shift in my perspective on a a variety of issues. For one, I'm pretty much in favor of the U.S. implementing some sort of socialized medicine reform. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I had this problem and didn't have insurance. One of the biggest reasons my family and I were trying to get my surgery done asap is insurance worries. My insurance is through my Dad, which is through his work. My dad could loose his job at any point in time, which would leave me out of luck until I got a job after graduation. Furthermore, dealing with insurance companies is akin to getting your wisdom teeth removed....without anesthesia. Luckily, I have the most amazing mother in the world and she gets it figured out. Every time I have to call them, it stresses me out so much I just end up crying. and not solving my problem. It's crazy, if a college educated women can't figure out how to navigate insurance, that's a problem.

On the spiritual side of things, it is difficult to see how weak your faith is until you face a trial. Then once you see how weak it is, you wish you couldn't see. This illness has exposed so many deep rooted sins of my heart. Nevertheless, despite how lost I feel, I know that God is with me. I'm not lost.

If God has chosen that this would be the way that I would know Him better, then so be it. If God has desired to answer my prayers through crosses, then who am I to challenge God?

God did not promise that life would be easy and pain free. In fact the opposite is what is guaranteed. We are called to suffer, as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ suffered.

I know these truths in my heart. But sometimes it's hard to live like they are true. I wish I had more insights to share. I wish I could see clearer through this fog. I feel like a small child walking through a deep fog in an unfamiliar area. I can feel my father's hand, but I can't see him. Things that in daylight would be familiar, seem menacing in the shadow. I know where I'm going, but I don't know the path. Even though my Father is there, I'm still scared. The uncertainty is frightening. I call out "I'm so afraid!" And the Father says "rest assured My child, we will get there in time. Rest easy"

 

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you"  

~Isaiah 41:13~

This momentary and light affliction

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you."

~Isaiah 41:13~

SOOOOO... I was supposed to be undergoing major surgery tomorrow.

However, I just received a call from my doctor's office and as it turns out, they're going to have to reschedule the surgery. My doctor is having a personal emergency and to top that off, I'm severely anemic (which was no surprise to me).

To be honest, waiting for this surgery has been a little like waiting for category 5 hurricane to hit your house after you decided not to evacuate. You know you're probably going to survive, but you really don't know how bad the damage is going to be.

On that note, I've officially decided all that idealistic mumbo-jumbo about living everyday like it's your last day is a bunch of hogwash. I can just say that living in light of a very real threat of peril does not inspire me to me to go out and do all the things I never did. I really just want to find a dark hole to curl up in.

This news has come like a blow to the gut. I just want to get this over with. After the call I put my head in my hands and talked to the Maker of the Universe. "God, what is happening? I don't understand. What's the point of all this?"

I grabbed my Bible and opened it to one of its most well worn sections, Hebrews chapter 11-12.

and I read: 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..." 

and as I read, I said to myself "I will have faith in God." Even though I'm really lost right now. Even though I feel like everything in my life is out of control.

As I considered the examples of faith that have been set before me I realized that all of us will have our faith tested in many ways through out our life and I arrived at the same conclusions as the Author:

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

The race of faith is not a sprint, it's a marathon. And you know what? Sometimes marathons have hills. Big hills, impossible hills, hills that come when you least expect them and hills that make you wonder why you ever even decided to run this race.

I made a commitment to follow Christ three years ago this September and in all that time He has never failed me. So in light of His enduring faithfulness, I have decided to trust the Lord and believe that He is good no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the consequences.

I am learning a very key lesson in life right now and it is as follows: God is in control and I am not.


There is one bright spot in all of this. Now I know what its like to be a patient. I know that this is going to make me a better nurse.

I will never again mentally criticize a patient for being needy. Because guess what?  I am a complete space case and very needy. I can't remember anything I'm supposed to do or questions I'm supposed to ask. Stress does funny things to you (and being severely anemic doesn't help either).   

Speaking of stress.... One the one hand, I have been relatively calm about all of this. No crazy break downs or anger outbursts. I know that God is soverign and He is good. God has given me peace with what is happening. On the other hand, I feel like I'm trying to stop a tsunami of uncontrollable anxiety with a boogie board. To be honest, ever since the diagnosis I've had trouble sleeping and I can't seem to focus on anything. It difficult to even read for more then a few minutes at a time. I've turned into a complete flake. I have never experienced this kind of anxiety before, nor these kinds of anxiety symptoms. Though now, it seems what I thought was anxiety is probably an effect of the anemia.

In someways addressing anxiety is difficult. Partially due to the fact that some anxiety symptoms are a natural hormonal response to physical stress that can't be changed (for example, your heart rate going up when you are in pain), but some of it is sin that needs to be put to death. But to be perfectly honest, fighting sin has moved way down on my priority list at the moment. Which is a problem. John Owen said it perfectly "be killing sin or it will be killing you." Believe me, it's killing me right now.

But, you see, I can clearly see that in this brokeness, God's love is shinning through. In the midst of my sin, I am confident that he loves me still. I am living Romans 8 right now. If you've never read that chapter, run, don't walk to your Bible and read it now, and then at least a hundred more times.  Chapter 8 is the Apostle Paul's amazingly stunning conclusion to the whole matter of being justified by faith instead of works.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit."

Halleluiah! What peace to know that my sins will not be counted against me.

Oh, how I long for Heaven! I long to lay down this body of death and put on my body made for glory. Every procedure and every pill is just one more reminder that this is not my home. I was not made for this. I was made to be with Jesus. I am thankful for these reminders. God forbid that I should come to love this world.

I am thankful for one more opportunity to be counted worthy to share in the sufferings of Christ. I am thankful to the the object that God has chosen to display His Glory through.

SOLI DEO GLORIA

A surprising turn of events

When I began this blog three years ago (has it really been that long?), I envisioned that it would be a place where I would create my memoirs. A sort of online diary, an excuse to sharpen my writing skills and hash out my worldview. Overtime my writing has developed as I have developed. I once was an 18 year-old college freshman, just beginning to get my feet wet with life. Now I am a 21 year-old college senior, three years into this merry-go-round we call adulthood.

I've written about many aspects of my life. I have chosen to focus primarily on my walk with Christ and the lessons God has taught me. For the most part, I tired to speak vaguely about the more intimate details of my life. Personal privacy is a thing to be safely guarded these days. I've tried to balance the necessary openness of writing a blog with the wisdom of keeping appropriate boundaries. I've learned a lot about that these past three years.

I have attempted to be as honest and open as prudence would allow. However, there is one area of my life I have chosen not to address until now. The truth is, I have had some ongoing health struggles that I have kept to myself, for a variety of reasons. However, I think I am finally ready to share how the Lord has worked through me in this struggle.

This is my story:

I was diagnosed with a conditions known as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) at the age of 19 following my freshman year at USF. Honestly, there are few things in life I am more loathe to talk about then my health struggles. My condition isn't rare, but it's complex. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my diagnosis. The diagnosis, while answering many questions, brought to light many more. In some ways, it was a relief to know why I had persistent acne and weight problems. It was such a relief to know that it wasn't my personal moral failings that made it so difficult for me to loose weight. Surprisingly, the primary medication to control PCOS symptoms is your run of the mill birth control.

Having to accept that I would be on birth control long term was difficult. My biggest fear, to be honest was 'what would people think if they found out?'. Would they assume that I was sleeping around? It's difficult to explain why you take birth control if you're claiming to be a celibate single adult.

Furthermore, the medication is not without side effects of its own. I have been on five different types of birth control since I was 17. It consistently makes me nauseous and gives me mood swings. The first time I was on it, I was throwing up essentially every other day for months on end. For the past few years, I've felt constantly torn, having to choose between dealing with medication side effects or PCOS symptoms. Without the medication, weight gain is inevitable (which puts me at a very high risk for cardiovascular disease and diabetes). Also, having a face full of acne is socially and physically uncomfortable. And most importantly, if I don't keep my hormones regulated, I am guaranteed to develop ovarian cysts, which could make me completely infertile. By God's grace, the kind I have been on for the last nine months has worked splendidly with no side effects. This is a real blessing.

When I was first diagnosed, I really struggled to come to terms with everything. I cringed at the possibility of not being able to have children. I internally raged "I'm 19! I shouldn't have to be thinking about these types of things!" I always took it for granted that I would be able to easily have as many children as I wanted, like the other women of my family. I honestly felt like less of a women. What a disappointment I would be to my family. I wondered if anyone would ever want to marry me.

God was faithful through these trials. He has patiently taught me to trust Him through this. At this point in time, I have stopped asking why. God has patiently taught me through the years that trusting Him is the answer to all those unanswerable questions. Knowing His character and the goodness of His sovereign will brings the peace that even perfect health could never bring.

Flash flash-forward two years to this January. I began to notice a hard area on the lower part of my abdomen. At first I chalked it up to another case of paranoid nursing student syndrome. I told myself that if something was really wrong, I'd be in a lot of pain. However, in July, I started experiencing some other symptoms that made me a little more concerned. I went to the OB-GYN this past Thursday, she ran some diagnostic tests and I was given some unexpected news.

As it turns out, the rigidness of my abdomen is because I have several large tumors, called Fibroids in my uterus. Currently, my uterus is the size of someone who is 14 weeks pregnant. This condition is not directly related to my other condition. My cynical side laughed at the irony of the news. PCOS keeps me from ovulating and now, even if I did manage to conceive, the fibroids would keep the baby from implanting in my uterus.

The end of the story is that on the 14th, I am scheduled to undergo a major surgical procedure known as a abdominal myomectomy. For those without a medical background, essentially the procedure is pretty similar to a c-section (except I don't get baby at the end, haha). The surgery should take about four hours, barring complications. I will be in the hospital for at least 48 hours afterward. Unfortunately, a side effect of the procedure is that if I do get pregnant in the future, I will require a C-section to deliver. Also, the fibroids will grow back, meaning that eventually I will need a hysterectomy.

Needless to say, this was not what I was expecting when I left camp a week ago. If there is anything that this surgery has caused me to come face to face with the fact that I am not in control of my life. I we are honest with ourselves, we know that for most part we walk around assuming things are essentially going go the way we think they will.

As I have been processing through this news the past few days, a few positive emotions have surfaced amidst the fear and uncertainty. I know that this is for God's glory and I am excited to be the instrument that God has chosen to display to His glory through. I'm also excited to show the world that God is still good even when I am suffering. This is just one more chance to put 'feet to my speech'.

Soli Deo Gloria.