The CV Chronicles: Begone Unbelief

“Lord I believe, help my unbelief!”

~Mark 9:24~ 

If you know anything about me, you know I love hymns. My love for hymns began at the time of my salvation. I am frequently given odd looks at USF because I walk around constantly singing to myself, and 9 times out of 10 I am singing a hymn. I love how encouraging and edifying they are. 

Yesterday, unbelief settled like a dark cloud in my heart and followed after me all the day, I couldn't seem to shake it. As I have grown in Christ, satan no longer tempts me to doubt the existence of God, but he does frequently tempt me to doubt the goodness of God. This hymn comforted me in my trial.

Begone, unbelief,
  My Savior is near,
And for my relief
  Will surely appear;
By prayer let me wrestle,
  And He will perform;
With Christ in the vessel,
  I smile at the storm. 

I look at my campers, my little sheep, and I think, what can I do to help them? Some of them have been abused, some of them come from broken homes, some of them are false converts. What can I do to help them? All I have is one week with them. But, the truth is, I CAN'T do anything. But God can do anything!

How frequently do I cry out in prayer in desperation at my own lack of faith. I doubt the Lord so much, I disgust myself. I doubt His love, I doubt that He will work, I doubt His care. I hate it, I hate it I hate it. Why so frequently do my emotions not match my understanding? I know that the Lord loves me yet I still doubt. "OH WRETCHED MAN THAT I AM, WHO WILL DELIVER ME FROM THIS BODY OF DEATH"

 Though dark be my way,
  Since He is my Guide,
'Tis mine to obey,
  'Tis His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken,
  And creatures all fail,
The word He hath spoken
  Shall surely prevail.

I persistently struggle with desiring the approval of other Christians. Non-believers opinions don’t tend to affect me because, from my point of view, they are not evaluating me on God’s standards. However, believers, in my mind, are. So I take their opinion on the level of God’s. Which is so irrational, it hardly requires explanation. If I feel like brother or a sister disapproves of me, it shakes me up.

Why should I complain
  Of want or distress,
Temptation or pain?
  He told me no less;
The heirs of salvation,
  I know from His Word,
Through much tribulation
  Must follow their Lord.

Since all that I meet
  Shall work for my good,
The bitter is sweet,
  The medicine, food;
Though painful at present,
  'Twill cease before long,
And then, oh, how pleasant
  The conqueror's song!
 

Last night we had our own little CV 4th of July celebration. One of our staff has an air cannon that He uses to shoot glow sticks in the air. It's pretty cool. So we shot off glow sticks and let the campers catch them. While we were waiting for our turn, I set my little campers down and as I looked down at them my heart was filled with compassion and love for them. I love these little guys, I would do anything for them. They're my little sheep, almost entirely helpless. But you know what? I don't mind at all. I don't mind that they ask me the same thousand questions everyday, and loose everything, and spill their drinks at every meal and wake me up at 4am because they are scared. I love them.

I think God uses moments like this to show me how much He loves me. If I can have this much love, being the wretched sinner that I am, and these not even my own children, how much does He love me, His daughter?

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" 

~ Romans 8:32~

What a weak vessel I am.

But what a strong savior is my God!

The CV Chronicles: Last week

 So I’ve been here at CV for five weeks now. WOW. Time has flown. I’m half way through my time here. God has worked in so many miraculous ways this summer. Sometimes I am awestruck as I consider that the Lord would allow me to come to a such a wonderful place as this. Then I think about the fact that God has granted me access to His very presence in heaven when I die, and then I’m really awestruck.

My Pastor was the speaker this week. I cannot tell you how blessed I am to have this man as my Pastor. He and his family have blessed me immensely these past two years. He is constantly encouraging, rebuking and instructing me. He never hesitates to point me toward Christ. It was so encouraging having Him, His family; one of our deacons and 7 other kids from our church come to camp this week. I had 5 girls from my church, plus my youngest niece in my cabin this week. I was so happy to see them.  The week went by so fast, but it was such a blessing to me. I loved ministering to the girls from my church, I love all of them and I consider it such a privilege to lead them.

Truly, truly I say to you, if there is one thing I have learned at CV this summer it’s my complete inadequacy as a counselor. But God has placed “this treasure in earthen vessels that the excellency of the power may be of God and not of us”. What that verse is talking about when it says earthen vessels, its talking about simple, breakable clay pots, used for everyday things, nothing special. And God has said that he uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise. God has also told us that when we are weak, he is strong. And I will tell you friends; I am weak, so weak.  If there is any act of kindness that I do, anything godly that escapes my mouth, it is the Lord. In and of myself, I am worthless. But Christ is worthy, so worthy. 

If I were to name this period of my walk with God I would title it ‘running for my life’

To a degree, because I am literally always running. One thing about camp, it keeps you very active. (Which is kinda nice cause then you can enjoy all of Ms. Barb’s great cooking without fear haha). But mostly because living here is like living in a spiritual green house. I have seen my complete inadequacy and so I run to Christ. I run to Christ everyday.

Everyday I stand amazed at the abundant grace poured out on this unworthy sinner. 

This has truly been the best summer of my life. Everyday there is a new blessing from God, a new surprise and new challenge. Someone new to encourage in the faith, some to share the gospel with, someone to serve. It goes on and on. 

Saturdays at CV are really special. It’s a time to rejuvenate, catch up on sleep and connect with the staff.

 

This Saturday after taking a lovely nap, I went with some of the other staff to Florala (a little town about 15 minutes from camp) and went to the big lake there to go swimming. It was so pleasant. It reminded me a lot of my childhood. I challenged one of the guys to a race. I love racing in swimming, it’s honestly the only athletic competition I can even be competitive in. Unfortunately, He beat me 3 times! Granted, it was really close and He is a foot taller then me (well 6 inches). But still, I told Him that we’ll have to do a rematch when he get’s back from Laos.

Then we had a staff event. We ate dinner together and then played a game of softball. One of the guys helped me learn to catch and throw and Amy showed me how to hold a bat. Everyone here is so helpful, I am so incompetent so frequently, but everyone pitches in (pun intended) to show me how to be better. I managed to hit and get on base both times I got to bat! It was so much fun.  It’s so fun to learn how to play sports. I never did much as a kid because I was to out of shape and to involved in other things.  Then I played golf for the first time in the horse pasture! (Only in Alabama Haha, and no none of hit any of the horses). Afterwards we had ice cream and we had an outdoor movie. We watched captain America.

Now if you know me, you know I love watching a good superhero movie. I’ll have to say that the new captain America movie is one of my favorites. I was thinking this as I was watching the movie: Everybody is waiting for a hero to come in and rescue him or her. I think that’s why movies like this are so popular. We long for a good guy, someone who puts others first and will lay down his life for what He believes in. Inwardly we groan for redemption from sin and death.  Now for those of us who have found the Lord, we realize that our hero has come and he has rescued us. You see, we often focus on relief from our circumstances to be the point of our rescue, however Christ has shown us that, in fact our circumstances are usually the least of our problems. Our biggest is problem is our sin that has offended a Holy, Righteous and Just God, who will not let the guilty go unpunished.

So as I was watching the movie tonight I was asking myself “Sarah Jo, what kind of woman are you going to be? Many men will lay down their life for the sake of other lives. Will you lay down you life for the sake of others’ souls? Will you follow Christ no matter where He leads? Are you willing to go to battle for the sake of the gospel? How much is the gospel worth to you? Is it worth the loss of your dreams of a family; is it worth the lost of your comforts and pleasures, the loss of your friends and family? What kind of woman will you turn out to be Sarah Jo?

The CV Chronicles: Limitations

"And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” Matthew 19:24


When I read the above verse I often think that it not only applies to those who are financially well off, but those who have other types of riches (social status, intellect, physical beauty etc.).  It has been my experience that these things have a way of blinding us to our desperate need for salvation. How sad is it that so frequently, the people who have the most resources to glorify God with, refuse to acknowledge their creator and take their lives into their own hands.

I've noticed something incredible about the people here at CV. I've have had the distinct pleasure of meeting some amazingly UNselfconscious believers. It's moving to see how gracefully they go about life, seemingly unaware of themselves and entirely focused on God and others. It's truly humbling and inspiring when I think about the fact that essentially 99% of the time I'm thinking about myself. Seriously, I have a blog, how much more narcissistic can you get? The funny thing is, these people have stuff, that from a worldly perspective, should make one self-conscious. But it doesn't. In speaking with them, when asked about why they are the way the are. The answer I have gotten over and over again is "you know Sarah, I just decided one day that I would give this to the Lord and if it was His will for me to be this way, then so be it. I will do the best I can with what I have. What use is there in complaining?"

God has been turning my heart through conversations with these precious Saints. "See my daughter, see how I have chosen to move through the weaknesses of my people. Pay close attention and heed this lesson. "God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty." 1 Corinthians 1:27

Meditiating on these truths has caused my heart to become broken and contrite. How frequently do I doubt God's sovereignty when I complain about my perceived flaws and weaknesses. How often do I wish that I was better at XYZ or that certain parts of my personality would magically disappear. What a foolish child I am.

I have learned that, more often than not, God will use what the world calls a weakness in His child to bring about His purposes and His fame. So my brothers and sisters, do not despise your limitations weather they be physical or intellectual. God has purpose in them. Do not hide yourself in shame. Don't waste your life wishing you were another way.

Unexpected Joy (Video)

I wish that everyone who thinks it's merciful to murder disabled children before they are even born would watch this video.

The CV Chronicles: True Beauty

I’ll be honest. I really struggle with negative feelings about my physical apperance. If you could crawl in my head and walk around inside my brain you would see phrases like “fat chick” “you’re so ugly”, “You’ll never get married because you’re ugly”, “ You are such a loser cause you can’t loose weight”, “ You would be liked more if you were prettier” seared across the walls.  For so long I have carried these thoughts around like chains around my ankles. They’ve been there so long I had ceased to hear the clinking metal and smell the rotting flesh.  These shackles have held me down for so long, I never thought things could be any different.

Yesterday, I got hard core rebuked by my pastor for calling myself ugly. He told me “oh, so Psalm 139 isn’t true for you sister? Sarah, how do you expect to be able to counsel teenage girls who all think they are ugly if you talk like that?” He was so right, I was so ashamed of myself. I’ve always known that the way I think was wrong, but I’ve never really known what to do about it. The Lord is so sovereign and He has chosen that today would be the day that I would leave behind these fetters behind me.  

I was walking with one of my girls today and she said “Sarah, a lot of girls like to be tan, and they call me ugly because I’m pale”  I was thinking 'THIS IS SO WRONG'. All of the girls in my cabin wear so much makeup. They are so young! None of them are even in high school. Yet, they are already enslaved to the makeup industry. They have been sold an impossible standard.

So I told her this “Listen, there comes a time in every woman’s life that she must decide who she is going to listen to about her appearance, the World or the Bible. Never forget, the world always lies, and no matter how hard you try, you will never reach it's standard of perfection. And not only that, but you will spend the rest of you life attempting to maintain a body that is decaying. However, if you choose to listen to the Bible you will gain the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that is very precious in the sight of God.” As I said this to her, I realized I really should be preaching to myself. 

The truth is I haven’t been the best example. I performed during chapel in Monday and I spent 

the time before it obsessing about my appearance in the cabin.  I was such a bad example.

 

Never again. Never again will I determine my worth by my assessment of my physical appearance. Never again will I be such a terrible example to women younger than me. Never again will I allow myself to think these destructive thoughts. Never again will I dishonor the Lord in this way. NEVER AGAIN.

So tonight for part of our devotions I’m going to bring out the cabin trash can, I’m going to take my makeup box and I’m going to throw it in the trash. No more of that. My appearance has become an idol and like Samuel I'm going to "hack him to pieces before the Lord". 

Amen and Amen 

The CV Chronicles: An Open Letter to My Sister

And once again I find myself overwhelmed with thoughts and unable to sleep. I need to be sleeping, my day starts at 6:30 AM tomorrow, but recording my thoughts seems so much more important right now.

Where to begin? I really want to tell you about how incredible this last week was. I want to tell you about all the wonderful ways the Lord has worked in my life.

But honestly, all I can think about right now is my younger sister. Our relationship is very broken right now and this brings much grief to my heart. As painful as it is for me to admit, the current state of our relationship is almost entirely my fault. When I was an unbeliever, I never treated her right. I called her horrid names, held her to an impossible standard and criticized her every move. I refused to forgive the slightest offense. It was so wicked. I shudder when I remember my former ways. 

However, by the sweet, sweet grace of God when Christ entered my heart, all the animosity and bitterness I used to feel was washed away. It has been my aim these past three years to rebuild what I destroyed. Unfortunately, I've had very little success. Currently, my sister won't even talk to me.

I have a picture of her I keep in my wallet, I pulled it out and put it up on my encouragement wall so I would remember to pray for her. I've been writing her letters while I've been here at camp. My mom confirmed that she got them, but I don't know if she reads them. Please pray for our relationship.

If I could just get her to listen to me, this is what I would tell her:

Margaret,
      There are few things I regret more in my life than the way I treated you when we were growing up. If it were possible, I would take back every cruel, ungracious thing I've ever said to you. I am so ashamed of the way I treated you when we were children. I sinned against you and against the Lord. I used to be so angry at you constantly, but now that I know Jesus I am not that way any more. Jesus changed my heart Margaret and I pray that one day He will change yours as well and you will find it possible to forgive me. Jesus loves you and so do I. It is my dearest wish that one day we will be reconciled as not only biological sisters, but sisters in the Lord as well.
     I can tell you from experience Margaret that living a life a part from Christ is no life at all. Carrying around a heart full of anger will ultimately destroy you.

I am here anytime you need me.

Love, 

Sarah Jo

The CV Chronicles: Contentment In All Circumstances

The first week of camp is over. WOW. So much is happened in the last three weeks, I don't even know where to begin. I've wanted to write this blog for several days now, but my mind has been so swamped with thoughts and emotions, it's been out of the question. Attempting to formulate a coherent commentary of my time at CV has left me feeling like a hummingbird trying to find a perch. I'm hoping that my usual trick of writing at odd hours of the night will help me overcome the erratic mess that is my thought life.

First and foremost, I feel compelled to state that it is an incredible blessing to be here at CV. In my few short years at college I have spent time in six different countries and Alaska. I have seen glaciers and climbed active volcanoes. I've zip lined across rivers and tubed in a cave. But, all of that pales in comparison to the pure joy I have experienced in serving at this little camp in nowhere Alabama. To be with the Lord's people in a place where everything is designed to point people to the Lord is indescribable. All I do all day long is talk about the Lord. I have never been happier. The peace I feel is beyond understanding (Philippians 4:6-7). Hebrews 8:11 frequently comes to my mind as I go about my day here. Being here is a glimpse of heaven. 


It's not that my life does not have its trials by no means. I am uncertain as to weather or not my grandma will live to see the end of this summer, most of my scholarship money is getting cut next year and I have no idea how I am going to support myself, and in less that a year I will be graduating and in all likelihood, I will still be single, something I could never have imagined three years ago. 

However, for the first time in my walk with Christ, I can clearly see how God is using these trials as a refiner's fire. Whereas trials used to make me think God didn't care about me, now I know that the Lord is holding my hand through the storm. I am slowly learning to rejoice in all circumstances (I think all that time studying Philippians this year has really paid off). God is using these trials to draw my heart close to His, to purge my soul of sin and to make me totally dependent on Him. 

I spent a lot of time this past school year wrestling in my heart as I tried to comprehend how to give thanks to God for trials. I must have hashed it out a thousand times with one of my roommates, but I just couldn't wrap my mind around it. Nevertheless, God has once again proved Himself faithful and has shown me through my circumstances what it means to give thanks for trials.

I rejoice that no matter what the circumstances, God is good. 
I rejoice that God is sovereignly bringing about His will in my life.  
I rejoice that Christ is risen and my sins have been paid for.  
I rejoice because I know the fellowship of Christ sufferings.
I rejoice because God has heard the cries of my heart and He is our compassionate High Priest. 
I rejoice because My God is El Roi, The God Who Sees!  


God is using this place to constantly break my heart for the Gospel. I am so overwhelmed that the Holy God the the universe would choose before the beginning of time to redeem a wretch like me. It blows my mind everyday. I am moved to tears as I consider the great love that Christ demonstrated for His people at Calvary.  

More to come tomorrow, I've got to get some sleep so I can be awake for church in the morning.