Dicontentment

I have said before that I occasionally happen to enjoy listening to a certain country artist, because "You know, sometimes she really just knows how to say things". However, forget Taylor Swift. You know who really knows how to say what I'm feeling? King David. Seriously, I can't think of a feeling or emotional experience that I have had that I haven't seen expressed in the pages of the psalms.

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart. This is usually a result of having unrepentant sin in my heart. I don't know how other people feel when they have sin that they haven't repented of, but I feel awful.

Psalm 32:1-5
Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven,
Whose sin is covered.
² Blessed is the man to whom the LORD does not impute iniquity,
And in whose spirit there is no deceit.

³ When I kept silent, my bones grew old
Through my groaning all the day long.
⁴ For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me;
My vitality was turned into the drought of summer. Selah
⁵ I acknowledged my sin to You,
And my iniquity I have not hidden.
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,”
And You forgave the iniquity of my sin.

When I was a younger believer I didn't know what was going on and I would just ignore it or just tell myself I was just having an off day. Granted, when I was younger believer my conscience was incredibly sensitive so I spent a lot of time feeling like the scum of the earth over things that weren't really sin and very little time being concerned with the things that actually mattered.

I have learned that there is no cure for this feeling besides repentance. No matter how long I ignore it, it will not go away. The only thing to do is forsake my pride, humble myself before the Lord and repent.

If there is one thing I have learned recently, it is this: I am not a patient person. The terrible thing with my impatience is how often it leads me to other sins. I begin to be impatient with a situation in my life and then before you know it, I am complaining, whining and discontent. In my heart I have accused God of withholding something good from me, something that I "deserve". I complain to God that "it's not fair."

¹⁴ "But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death."

~James 1:14-15

(On a side note, James is probably the most convicting book in the bible for me, I am humbled every time I read it)

I essentially spent all of yesterday evening complaining to myself. I allowed myself to believe the lie that God is keeping something from me, where scripture clearly states that God is working all things for my good and that he withholds no good thing from me.

8 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. " ~Romans 8:8

^{Psalm 84:10-12
10} For a day in Your courts is better than a thousand.
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
Than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
The LORD will give grace and glory;
No good thing will He withhold
From those who walk uprightly.

¹² O LORD of hosts,
Blessed is the man who trusts in You!

I tell myself if I just had things my way, things would be better and I would be happy. I whined and grumbled to myself all evening and managed to get myself in quite a rotten mood. Eventually, I felt so rotten I just went to bed. Which resulted in my me waking up this morning needing to repent.

To be completely honest the thing I am most impatient about in my life right now is marriage. I don't stop to thank God that he has provided for me financially or to thank him that I have relatively few responsibilities and am thus able to concentrate on school. I have this tendency to ignore all the good things I do have in my life and focus on the one thing I don't have. I start start comparing myself to others. "Well, they get to be married, how come I don't get to? It's not fair. "

You know, it isn't fair. But, praise the Lord I don't get what's fair. If I got what was fair I would be burning in hell for all eternity. That's what I deserve because I crucified the son of God. Jesus Christ the son of God was crucified because of my sin. I need to remember that God doesn't owe me anything. God, in his sovereign plan could keep me single for the rest of my life. And he would have every right to do that. We aren't equals, I am his slave. That's why I pray "thy will be done", not "my will be done."

I watched two very contrasting movies tonight.

The first was Easy A (if you haven't seen it, don't). I am actually fairly embarrassed to admit that I watch movies like that. Its a terrible habit I've picked up. It's so funny, I wouldn't dare watch a movie like that at school, but at home I don't think twice. I tell myself that I need to relax and take my mind off the stress of life, but inside my conscience is screaming at me. Time is so precious, and I am willing to squander it on a movie like that? I am deeply ashamed of myself. How could I let myself sit there and ingest filth like that? I tell myself that I need to take a break from thinking, that I've worked hard, that I deserve to rest. Lies, all lies. Lies my flesh comes up with to indulge itself. If there is one thing that is clear to me today, the day of my baptism, it is this: I am a wicked sinner saved by grace, by Christ alone. And, I am still just as in need of that grace as I was the day I was regenerated. I need so much grace everyday. I must learn to find my rest in Christ, not in the trash of this world.

On a side note, if you are having a hard time understanding your need for grace or you currently think that you are a good person, may I suggest reading through the old testament? I am reading through the OT right now with my mentor from GBCT and we just finished up the Pentateuch. If there's one thing that I have learned from reading the Law it's this: I deserve to die for my sins, hands down. God killed people in the OT for far, far less then the sins I have committed. Seriously, if I was an Israelite leaving Egypt, I wouldn't have made it to the Red Sea, I wouldn't have made it to Mt. Sinai. No, I would have stepped one foot out of Egypt and blasphemed, complained and rebelled all in one sentence and straight up died.

The second movie I watched was God Grew Tired Of Us. It's a documentary about the Sudanese civil war. I really like watching documentaries. For background on the conflict read Second Sudanese War. The movie focuses specifically on the lives of a generation of boys called the lost boys. These boys were displaced from Sudan during the war and after traveling thousands of miles, eventually became refugees in Kenya. Thousands lost their lives to starvation, disease or military attacks.

I've often struggled with the question of why I have so much when others have so little. I have asked God for an answer but so far He has remained silent in the specifics. I have learned to rest in His sovereignty and trust the goodness of His plan. But, still I wrestle in my heart. I see the bodies of children emaciated and disease ridden. I see the war torn earth, cracked and dry, begging for healing from the skies. My breath catches in my throat and I feel so incredibly helpless. The absolute suffering, the desperation and the vile abuse that so many people experience, is beyond my imagination. My heart cries out to God for relief. Lord Jesus, come quickly and make all things new.

My worst fear is that one day, far quicker then I ever expected, I will wake up old and decrepit, only to look back with agonizing regret and realize that I have squandered my life. My one and only life here on earth I wasted in vain pursuits and useless pleasures. I have been given so many resources, may it never be that I waste them.

Lord, take my life, all of it. Suck it dry for your Kingdom. Use me up. Take it, take it all, every last thing. I don't want it anymore.

Lord send me, i'll go.