Welcome Holy Child

It's Christmas again. As I sit here the rain is coming down steadily. I really like the rain on Christmas. Other states pray for a white Christmas, I just hope for a wet one. Our house with its many windows looks different in the soft lighting of a winter rain storm. No thunder or lightening, just gentle pitter-patter on the window panes. It's the afternoon now, my family has finally settled down after a morning filled with eating and gift exchanging. I love how subdued and peaceful it is right now. It's a very rare treat to find us all together with a decibel rating below 90.

You know, sometimes I go through these huge phases of doubt. Serious doubt, no namby-pamby wishy-washiness. Some days I wake up and I'm like "who do you think you're kidding Sarah? Do you honestly believe all this crap they're feeding you? You must be out of your right mind." Where is God in all this violence? Where is God?

But, on days like today I get pass all the confusion in my brain and run straight into the truth. Kind of like running into a glass door that's been cleaned real well. I was thinking today and this thought came unbidden to the surface of my consciousness "I cannot remember the last time I got so angry at someone that I lost control and screamed at them." Before I let God into my life, I was so angry. A phrase I used often was "I hate people", most of my then-friends took it as a joke and laughed it off, but I wonder if they realized how serious I was. I hated people, truly hated, I don't think anyone is really aware of the depths of my anger.

But,
I don't feel like that any more. I honestly don't understand how it's possible. The only logical explanation is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. God has done more then just "make me nicer", he's taken the very way I think and transformed it. People have told me that I find the good in people, but to be perfectly honest, it's God. He doesn't let me fixate on the bad qualities like I used to. It's weird to me, when I react to situations nicely in ways that even eight months ago I would have acted the complete opposite. It's like I'm not myself anymore, like I don't belong to myself.

Well I guess I don't.