If you were wondering what I did this summer...

I spent the summer in Tennessee at a Navigator Summer Training Program. The Navigators is a ministry begun in 1933 by a man named Dawson Trotman. It was originally started among Navy men (thus the name The Navigators), but now has expanded to include college campuses and foreign missions as well. A summer training program is eight weeks long. You work almost full time and in your "spare" time (as in every other waking moment) you participate in an intense bible study, one on one discipleship, evangelism, workshops and nav nights.

What do I see when I look back over this summer?

I see brokenness, complete brokenness. I was put together in all the wrong ways. God had to break me so he could put me back together in the likeness of his Son. But, just like a hard winter makes the spring that more glorious, and the first few flowers pushing through the frozen ground that more precious, brokenness leaves room for me to be used for his glory.

God used this summer to wage full scale war on all the bitterness, anger, pain and resentment I had stored in my heart all these years. It felt like every day God was bringing a new memory from my past where I had been hurt and hadn’t dealt with it. I swear, I’ve cried more in these two months then I have in the past two years. I was honestly surprised at the depth of m emotions over these things that had occurred five or six even ten years ago. I remember crying on the back porch one day and I asked God “why did all these things happen to me, why did I have to go through all this?” and his reply was “so you would come to know me better.”

Then again while I was working, I was thinking about all the pain in my life and God asked me “Sarah, if everything you had to go through was what it took for you to turn to me, would you still have had it happen? Would you trade your relationship with me for a perfect life?”

I realized I am not who I thought I was. If you had asked me before STP who I was, I would have said “I’m Sarah Jo, I’m tough, I’m a B.A., I can handle anything, I’m fearless, I do what I want”. I would have described myself as an extrovert, who loves to talk, and is not afraid of telling people the truth.

But, I realized that’s not me at all.

The real me has been in hiding for the past ten years. I created this monster mask to hide behind, to scare people away so they wouldn’t hurt me. The monster was created out of every core lie I ever believed. That I’m unlovable, ugly, worthless, a waste of time, arrogant, loud, overweight, unwanted, stupid, annoying, dominating, forgettable, my brain is the only good part of me, I have to defend myself, I have to be tough. This monster grew bigger and bigger over the years until I eventually it overshadowed me to the point that I thought I was the monster. I lived in defensive mode permanently. My fears controlled me, the fear of being alone, my fear of people, and my fear of abandonment.

When I look back over the years of my life from 8-18 I am incredibly saddened at how that perception hurt me. The place where I was injured the most was in my relationships with other people. I viewed relationships as similar to a financial exchange. Whenever I was in a relationship with someone, I based our friendship upon what I could do for them. I rationalized that if I could do enough to make them happy, they wouldn’t leave me. But, I never let myself love someone, that was far to dangerous. I realize now just how shallow and meaningless my relationships with people were. I hurt so many people this way, I would let them get close to me, let them get attached but I would never need anyone, I could walk away at the drop of a hat and I frequently did.

I thought I was so tough, but you know what, I’m not. I’m not big and scary, I’m small and afraid, afraid that who I am isn’t going to be enough to keep people around, that unless I strive to completely meet everyone’s needs, they won’t have a reason to be around me. I thought that I was this tough girl who could handle anything, but I can’t, I can’t be everything to everybody. I am weak and fearful.

“and he said to me ‘my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that they power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

-2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Now I’m just trying to figure out who I really am in Christ. I catch glimpses of myself on occasion. I am patient with children, I love to be out in nature, I like being alone, I am gentle, I love to give hugs.

“The soul is like a wild animal – tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, self-sufficient. It knows how to survive in hard places. But it is also shy. Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush. If we want to see a wild animal, we know the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. But if we walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently by the base of the tree and fade into our surroundings, the wild animal we seek might put in an appearance.”

–Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

One big thing I had to tackle this summer that arose from my monster persona is the way I communicate with people. I always argue; I treat every conversation as a battle to be won. This might work okay with guys who love competition, but when you live with a cabin of eleven other girls, communication will break down if you approach them from that angle. About week six I started to get really frustrated with myself and everyone else who lived with me. I felt like I couldn’t have a decent conversation with any of them. I felt like a rhinoceros living in a pen with a bunch of baby chicks, every move I made I ended up squishing someone. Praise God, one of the team leaders in my cabin had the patience to sit down and talk with me and help me work through my communication barriers.

I’ve had to go through a lot of changes since I began following Christ, layer after layer of worldliness had to be washed away. So many things had to be transformed; you think I would be used to it and expect it. However, when I realized even something as core to my being as the way I communicate with people had to be changed I was like “seriously God, seriously. Honestly? This has to change too?”

I learned that it’s okay for me to have needs. I used to think that I couldn’t have needs, emotional relational etc. I had this pseudo-vulnerability in that I let people know what I’m thinking and feeling, I was very transparent, but because I never let myself care about anyone I wasn’t vulnerable. I learned that people who don’t know who they are attract others who don’t know who they are, but Jesus came to show us who we are. If you don’t know who you are you are a slave to those around you. I decided that I wasn’t going to be a slave anymore, I am free in Christ. Free to be myself, whoever she may be.

I really grew in the area of evangelism. We went out into two neighboring cities, Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg and shared the bridge to whoever we could. At first I really struggled intellectually with evangelism. I felt like if I didn't understand everything theologically about salvation and evangelism, then I just couldn't do it. But, after a few frustrating, disappointing nights I decided to check my pride and attitude and just obey God's command and give it all I got. When I finally did that, I had one of the best witnessing nights of my life (ask me about it!)

I walked into my job thinking, "Sweet, this is going to be so easy. I'll get a great tan, plus I get paid more then everyone else, nice!" WRONG! My first day was so stressful I thought about asking if they could switch me to foods. In all of this turmoil and trial I had to lean on God in my weakness. There were somedays where I would go to the guard shack for break and put my head down and pray to God that I wouldn't fall apart during my next rotation. Now it wasn't all bad, I actually really began to enjoy it after the first week (though audits kept me slightly stressed all summer). I had great bosses who were supportive, caring and friendly. I truly enjoyed working at splash country.

"Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

This summer God has really given me a vision for my life. My goal is to give my life away, to die with nothing left in my hands. I'm not sure what this is going to look for my life, I guess we'll see.

When things got rough this summer and I felt like I was at the bottom God gave me peace by changing my perspective. I saw how temporary everything is and how glorious heaven is and I realized even when things get really crappy, it's not for that long. This is when it really came home for me: There was a day where it poured rain, they didn't even open the park till 11. However, it wasn't lightening so the park stayed open. So I was standing at the bottom of a slide, that no one was coming down, in a torrential downpour, to quickly realize the water-proof jacket I had been issued, was not really water-proof. I thought about being upset and complaining but then God opened my eyes. I was like "Who cares if it's raining? Who cares if I'm cold? Who cares if I can't manage to maintain my weight? Who cares if I can't manage to communicate with people the way I want?" Sarah, before you know it, you're going to be dead and gone and all this will pass away like vapor, so why get yourself all worked up over it? If God chose to put you here in the pouring rain, with a body that doesn't do what you want, with life experiences that have made it nearly impossible for you to communicate as easily as you want, so be it"

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell" -Matthew 10:28

The challenge

American Christians are at a cross roads. Will we continue to follow the siren call of financial prosperity or will we forsake all for the cause of Christ? Who are we kidding? We cannot serve both God and mammon.

How difficult to resist the temptation to indulge, to grow slothful in our disciplines. "You're not hurting anyone, it's your life, do what feels good, find your happiness" our culture croons. To be faithful in the little things this, this is an everyday battle, a constant fight. It isn't glorious. Nobody notices, nobody cheers for you when you get up and do the little hard things everyday that you hate doing.

So here we are in America. We have every physical comfort we could want. Well, at least most people who would have the time to read the musings of a small-town teenage girl do. Yet we face one of the greatest challenges and opportunities the Church has ever seen.

Let us rise up to drink the new wine we have in Christ Jesus. Living sacrificially and simply for the cause of Christ, that is what we must do.

“And to the angel of the church of the Laodiceans^f]">[f] write,
‘These things says the Amen, the Faithful and True Witness, the Beginning of the creation of God: “I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. Because you say, ‘I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing’—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked— I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. “He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches." - Revelation 3:14-21

I hate violence.

I HATE Violence. Everyday, people beat up the homeless for fun, rape little girls to fulfill their fantasies and shoot people for the petty cash in their wallets. This is reality. Yet we watch it for entertainment? How can we allow this into our homes?

People say to me "Oh, it's not real, it just T.V., everybody knows it's not real."

Come on, please. Who do you think you're kidding?

We are so ridiculous. Why do we deceive ourselves? Do we honestly believe we are above the influence of the media we feed ourselves?

Look, I'll put it to you straight friends. We use media to entertain ourselves, we watch movies (or read books, or listen to music etc.) for entertainment, correct? Therefore if there's violence in your media, you are being entertained by it.

"Oh, no I just ignore it, I watch the movies because I like the plot (or the special effects or the actors etc.)."

Lame excuse, try again.

Even if that were true, then by default, not only are you desensitizing yourself to violence, you are teaching yourself to ignore violence. You often hear complaints that American ignore the plight of those less fortunate (the homeless, the people of Darfur, children in the sex slave industry etc.). We ask "How can we ignore these people who desperately need our help?"

How?

Because we practice it on a daily basis.

Every year, movies get more and more violent. Things that would have been unacceptable, five ten years ago, are accepted without question now. That means as a society we are needing more and more violence to satisfy our appetites. Can't you see what an addiction it has become?

"But I really like all the cool forensic science stuff on T.V., it can't be all that bad."

We all know T.V. crime scene dramas only show the "cool" part of the crime. But, what about the wretchedness that is the reality for actual crime victims?

How much agony do parents of kidnapped children go through as they wait day after day, sitting by the phone, clinging to hope that somehow their baby is still alive and they will get to hold them again? What about the victims of rape? Where is their consolidation? Does catching the rapist heal them? How often does that actually happen? Every drama ends so neatly, but is that a reality for most rape victims? How many nights do they lay awake, afraid to sleep because of the nightmares that won't go away?

Friends, I am pleading with you. Think about what you are doing. There is so much untold suffering in this world, the least we can do is not exploit it for entertainment.

Our lives here in America our so...sanitary. Most of us will never have to experience what is the daily reality for so many people. We will never go hungry, never have to worry about soldiers invading our home. We are one of the wealthiest, most privileged nations to ever exist in human history.
Or maybe you are the victim of violence. For that, whatever your circumstances, I am deeply sorry.

"Okay, so I won't consume media that has violence in it any more, will that satisfy you?"

It is not enough to simply avoid doing bad things, we must begin to replace our wrongdoing with righteousness.

"Therefore, putting away lying, “ Let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor,” for we are members of one another. “Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Let him who stole steal no longer, but rather let him labor, working with his hands what is good, that he may have something to give him who has need. ²⁹ Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:25-32

As Americans, there is so much we can do without ever even leaving the comfort of our homes. We don't have to be the leader of a huge charity to make an impact, we don't have to sell everything we own and move to Africa to work with orphans (though those are noble things). We grossly underestimate the impact of living simply.

It's nice when we can do big things to help people, huge fund-raising projects, awareness campaigns, things that everybody notices. But, how much more of challenge is it to do the little things that that nobody notices? Denying yourself daily is the key.

This is what I have realized. I do not know what God has planned for my life. What I will do after I graduate, I haven't the faintest idea. But, this I do know. TODAY, I will do my best to be faithful in the little things. It starts with today, God has called me to be faithful today. Not tomorrow, not when I'm old and I'm done having fun. God calls for obedience today.

Luke 16:10

"He who is faithful in what is least is faithful also in much; and he who is unjust in what is least is unjust also in much. Therefore if you have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will commit to your trust the true riches? And if you have not been faithful in what is another man’s, who will give you what is your own? “No servant can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.”

And as paraphrased by The Message:

^10-13Jesus went on to make these comments:

If you're honest in small things,
you'll be honest in big things;
If you're a crook in small things,
you'll be a crook in big things.
If you're not honest in small jobs,
who will put you in charge of the store?
No worker can serve two bosses:
He'll either hate the first and love the second
Or adore the first and despise the second.
You can't serve both God and the Bank.

There seems to be a disconnect in our thinking. We see evil on a national scale and don't understand that its just a magnification of the evil that we do.

Environmental issues? Magnification of the fact that sometimes I don't take the extra step to recycle.
Human rights issues? Magnification of my own selfishness.
Animal rights issues? Magnification of the fact that sometimes I get to busy to pay attention to my dog.

I don't want to live my life ignoring the poor and the destitute.
Let us rise up as a generation and plead the cause of the broken, the poor and the destitute to the ends of the earth.

Ezekiel 16:49-50 (NKJV)

"Look, this was the iniquity of your sister Sodom: She and her daughter had pride, fullness of food, and abundance of idleness; neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. ⁵⁰ And they were haughty and committed abomination before Me; therefore I took them away as I saw fit."

and as paraphrased by The Message:

"The sin of your sister Sodom was this: She lived with her daughters in the lap of luxury—proud, gluttonous, and lazy. They ignored the oppressed and the poor. They put on airs and lived obscene lives. And you know what happened: I did away with them."

Back in G-land

I'm back at my house, for what may be one of the last times. I will be here for three weeks before heading up to Tennessee for Smoky Mounatin Summer, Summer Training Program (SMS STP) with the Navigators.

I was going to write about how I've been home less then 12 hours, and I'm already lonely. But, as awake as I am right now, I don't feel like whinning. Transitioning back into family life is difficult. But, I need to grow up and deal with it.

God's Love letter to me

So I've been thinking a lot lately about God's love. To be frank and honest, sometimes I don't understand that he loves me. I understand from a theological, theoretical perspective, sort of, you know, God has to love us because yada, yada, yada... But feeling it, that's another thing. So I imagined exactly what it would like if God wrote me a love letter

Dearest Sarah Jo,

I have been absolutely fascinated with you since the day you were born. I waited and planned for you since the beginning of time. You don't see it now, but you were born at exactly the perfect time, for such a time as this, to give you the most fulfilling, abundant life possible. Darling child, you are so precious to me. I crafted you in secret, molded you down to the last freckle. I cheered when you took your first step, laughed when you made your first friend, and I cried with you when Draper broke your heart.

When you grew older and you were far from me, I never stopped calling for you, never stopped caring for, never stopped protecting you. Even when your back was towards me, when you pushed me away, when you spit on me, I loved you still. When you finally heard my call and came home, I came running to you when you were still a far way off. I know everything about you. I know the secrets you try to hide from your past, I know you way down deep. But guess what? Not only do I love you, I like you! I like you so much, I gave you eyes to see the sunset so I could woo you every evening

You are so passionate, I love that about you (I made that, for a reason, don't you know). You are such a delight to me. Not because you've done anything, not because you haven't done something, not because you're going to do something, but because I choose to. I AM, and that's just the way it is.

I know sometimes you feel like you're an embarrassment to me. But, the beauty of Calvary is, when I look at you, I see Jesus. I see who you really are, I see who I created you to be. One day you'll see it too. Untill that day, just trust me. Remember that things work out for YOUR good Sarah-bara. I AM with you always

With everlasting Love,
God

"How precious are your thought to me, O God, How great is the sum of them."
"If I should count them they would be more in number then the sand"
"When I am awake I am still with you"
Psalm 139

Humility

Humility has been the theme of this year so far, specifically my lack of it. The bible says that God HATES pride (proverbs 6:16, 11:2). Every day it seems like I get knocked down from another pedestal. You'd think i'd learn the first time, but no, not me, I'm a slow learner. In fact, it wouldn't be that far from the the truth to say that I have a mountain of pedestals, a staircase of arrogance leading up to the golden image I've created of myself.

I like to play pretend that I'm this mature, spiritual adult who really has this whole Jesus thing figured out. But, that's a lie (interesting enough, though I can't really manage to lie very well to others, I sure can lie to myself most effectively). But, I'm a baby, I'm still drinking out of a bottle for goodness sakes. I know nothing. I used to sit in church and listen to people speak and pat myself on the back for my understanding of the scriptures, for how much historical background and facts I knew. Now I struggle to comprehend even the most basic of Christian life principals. I can say that I know things, but my actions revel just how ignorant I really am.

"You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked." Revelation 3:17

So I have an apology to make
To everyone who has had to deal with the brunt of my arrogance

I am sorry

I am sorry that a lot of the time I treat conversations like a battle to win. I concentrate more on being right, then on truly listening to you, more on proving my point, then on getting to know and love you.

I am sorry that more often then not I am quick to point out exactly how you are wrong before I even listen to what you have to say.

I have taken a faith that is rich and life-giving, a truth that can make you whole and bastardized it. I've turned the message of hope that is Jesus Christ into a narrow list of Do's and Don'ts, that excludes out of self-righteousness rather then includes out of love. I have cheapened the Gospel.

I am sorry for my lack of listening. I know I've hurt people, and I regret it.

I apologize for the way my pride, arrogance and self-righteousness has made me blind to the needs of others.

I made the mistake of thinking that my foremost responsibility in life is to convince you that my view point is right. But, this a lie born of foolishness and pride.

I am a pharisee, I have strained out a gnat and swallowed a camel.

I am now aware that the message of Christ is one of love and hope, not morality and self-righteousness.

I have exchanged the truth for a lie.
I will do this no more.

For all of this I am truly, truly sorry

Having come to the realization that I have been a pharisee, I was greatly disturbed. The only people Christ ever condemned were the pharisees, the only people he ever got mad and yelled at. Over and over, he specifically warns us that we are not to judge, that only God has the righteousness to Judge. He warns us that by whatever measure we judge, we will also be judged (Matthew 7:1).

As I was meditating on all that God had shown me about my sin. I thought "will God forgive me for all of this? Can he forgive me for all of this?" I almost laughed at myself, because I remember growing up in church and hearing people ask that same question. I remember thinking that they were stupid for even feeling that way. But today, I empathized. I understand now how one can feel unforgivable. I felt that way today. I understand how one can feel like they've finally gone to far. I felt that way today.

BUT!!! This is the gospel, right here! This is the key. It's not about our righteousness, our deeds (or misdeeds) or anything we do. It's about Christ work at Calvary, it's about his righteousness!
That's the beauty of it, the mystery that I often overlook. God chose me, before I had done anything and he has still chosen me after everything that I've done.

I recently heard a message on the prodigal son. In the past I've always aligned myself with the older brother. I totally understood his anger. Why should God forgive his lazy spoiled younger brother? You could have called me Jonah, angry at God for being merciful and kind.

But, now I see that I am the prodigal son. I have squandered my inheritance on wicked things. I have lost everything because of my sin. I have been so hungry that I have eaten the rotting flesh of this world.
When the prodigal son came home, his father ran to him when he was a far way off. He didn't wait for him to finish dragging himself to the door, he didn't wait for him to take a shower and get clean enough to be presentable, he didn't wait for him to grovel and his feet.

He ran out to meet him!!!

God came running to me when I was yet a far way off, when I was still covered in the grime of my sin.

The father gave his son his best robe, his signet ring (the ring signified that the son had the authority that the father did as the owner of the estate), he slaughtered the fattened calf (the most expensive animal).

'My son,' the father said, 'you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.'

– (Luke 15:31-32, NIV)

I am alive in Christ. Praise the Lord

"Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise!" Revelation 5:12

Things you never know about yourself

It's funny, how you think you know yourself, then one day you realize that you have a lot of misconceptions about the kind of person you are, in fact you're just plain wrong on a couple of things.

This has been happening to me fairly regularly as of late (I think that's a part of growing up, I don't know, 'cause I've never grown up before lol). One of the things I've realized about myself recently is that I'm pretty high strung. I always figure I was a pretty relaxed person, you know a free spirit. But, no I'm not, I'm a rule follower and moderately conformist, I don't like to make waves (to bad my beliefs create a tidal wave every time I open my mouth). I'm also really passionate, when I care about something, I care.

The other thing I realized is that I'm passionately pro-life. The had a display today down by the marshal center from a pro-life group. I realized how much I care about the atrocity that abortion is. All things aside, no matter what your excuse is for why you think abortion should be legal, it comes down to "is it wrong to take another human beings life?" if you answer yes then "when is a human, a human?" I choose to believe that what makes a human being human is the fact that they have DNA distinctly different from any other person (except in the cases of twins, which is the one exception, they're still humans duh) that can never be replicated ever again. There will never be another you, each person is unique. A unique set of DNA is created at conception, this is why life begins at conception.

I am pro-life. I think each person is a unique individual created by God, given life by God and we have no right to take it away.

*note, I also believe that using contraception is wrong, but I'll probably getting around to talking about that later.