Don't waste your life

So this is my second post of the day, which is a first for me. But, this song moved me in such a way I thought it merited attention.

All of us out there are looking for purpose. We're looking for something to define us, to fulfill us, to give us something to go after. We long for something to make us great, to rescue us, to make our lives matter. Every magazine cover and every book on the self-help shelf promises that if we just buy this, or do this diet or look this way or think that way then we will be happy. But, it's not working!
What am I here for?
Where can I find fulfillment?
Where can I find rest?


But, honestly what am I saying that hasn't been said before, and said better!

Luke 12:15-21
"And He said to them, “Take heed and beware of covetousness, for one’s life does not consist in the abundance of the things he possesses.” ¹⁶Then He spoke a parable to them, saying: “The ground of a certain rich man yielded plentifully. ¹⁷ And he thought within himself, saying, ‘What shall I do, since I have no room to store my crops?’ ¹⁸ So he said, ‘I will do this: I will pull down my barns and build greater, and there I will store all my crops and my goods. ¹⁹ And I will say to my soul, “Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years; take your ease; eat, drink, and be merry.”’ ²⁰ But God said to him, ‘Fool! This night your soul will be required of you; then whose will those things be which you have provided?’ ²¹ “So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7RWEllqh5J0

[Verse 1: LeCrae]
I know a lot of people out there scared they gone die
couple of em thinking they'll be livin in the sky
but while Im here livin man I gotta ask why
what am here fo I gotta figure out
waste my life/ no I gotta make it count
if Christ is real then what am I gone do about
all of the things in Luke 12:15 down to 21 you really oughta go and check it out
Paul said if Christ aint resurrect then we wasted our lives
well that implies that our life's built around Jesus being alive
everyday I'm living tryin show the world why
Christ is more than everything you'll ever try
better than pretty women and sinning and living
to get a minute of any women and men that you admire aint no lie
We created for Him outta the dust he made us for Him
Elects us and he saves us for Him Jesus comes and raises for Him
Magnify the Father why bother with something lesser
he made us so we could bless Him and to the world we confess him
resurrects him so I know I got life matter fact better man I know I got Christ
if you don't' see His ways in my days and nights
you can hit my brakes you can stop my lights
man I lost my rights I lost my life
forget the money cars and toss that ice
the cost is Christ
and they could never offer me anything on the planet that'll cost that price


[Verse 2: LeCrae]
Suffer Yeah do it for Christ if you trying to figure what to do with your life
if you making money hope you doing it right
because the money is Gods you better steward it right
stay focused if you aint got no ride
your life aint wrapped up in what you drive
the clothes you wear the job you work
the color your skin naw we Christian first
people living life for a job make a lil money start living for a car
get em a house a wife kids and a dog when they retire they living high on the hog
but guess what they didn't ever really live at all to live is Christ yeah that's Paul I recall
to die is gain so for Christ we give it all he's the treasure you'll find in the mall
Your money your singleness marriage talent and time
they were loaned to you to show the world that Christ is Divine
that's why it's Christ in my rhymes That's why it's Christ all the time
my whole world is built around him He's the life in my lines
I refused to waste my life he's too true ta chase that ice
heres my gifts and time cause I'm constantly trying to be used to praise the Christ
If he's truly raised to life then this news should change your life
and by his grace you can put your faith in place that rules your days and nights

What is Church?

It's 2010, a new year has rolled in once again. I've been struggling to get my thoughts organized enough to put them down.

I guess I'll start with what's been happening over my break since I last wrote and go from there.
I spent Tuesday and Wednesday of this week helping out at my church. I really enjoyed being down there and I'm very thankful that my pastor gave me the opportunity to serve. It was very eye-opening to see what goes on in a church not on Sundays. I've never had a personal relationship with a pastor before. Other people who've always been in churches where they know the pastor personally probably don't understand what's like to be in a church where you don't (which has been my experience up till now). Pastor Tony and his wife Pastor Jody know my name! and I've had conversations with them! I just think that's the coolest, nicest thing ever.

At this point in time I'm not really sure how all these experiences that I've been having with God and his church are going to play into my calling. I don't necessarily feel called to go into full time ministry at this pointing time, but then again I don't dislike the idea either. I feel like God has been showing me a lot of different things recently, about the nature of life, people and the church for a reason (well everything is for a reason, but you know what I mean).

One of the things I've been studying and looking into lately is the nature of church. What is church? What kind of got my started on this little quest for knowledge was one of my friends talking about faithful vs. non-faithful congregations. I had no idea what he was talking about. I thought you either believed in the bible or you didn't. I also thought that the main difference and dispute between denominations was whether you should have communion every Sunday or not, or if it's okay to have drums in the worship service.

But, apparently, there's a lot more to the picture then that. But, the conclusion that I've drawn currently is that the church is a community above all else. It's a community of people with the common goal in life of bringing glory to our creator. I'm still working on the other details. I'll uptdate you if I figure anything else out.

So as I've been studying theology I've been trying to figure out if there is a denomination that I agree with. Currently I don't claim to be anything other then a Christian. I do not want to attach a denomination to that until I'm sure I agree with everything that that church preaches and only if I feel called by God to join that church. The reason I want to figure out exactly what I believe in regards to theology is so that when it comes time for me to get married (If that's part of God's plan for my life) I won't end up marrying someone whose theologically incompatible with me. This is important to avoid because if we have children we will end up giving our kids a mixed message about the gospel.

Us college kids are in a very unique situation in regards to church. Most of us don't belong to churches and find it difficult to become involved in one. For me and my friends we get most of our "church" (that is fellowship, accountability and growth) from our christian ministry groups on campus. I've been incredibly blessed this semester by the sisters and brothers in Christ I've developed on campus. We've had lots of conversations on exactly how and how much we should be involved in a traditional church during these years of in-betweennes. So far we've concluded that what we're doing so far is fine and as long as we keep growing in God and seeking his will that if God wants us to do something differently he will reveal it to us.

I meant to write a post about my new year and all my thoughts surrounding that, but as per usual I don't have much control over what I write. I guess that'll have to wait for later.

Goodbye to self

So it's that time of year again.
It's time to make ridiculous promises to ourselves that we all know we will break within the first week of the new year. But, enough sarcasm and cynicism. It's time to get down to buisness.

Here's my one resolution
I'm striving for less me in 2010. It's time to downgrade.

Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of thinking and not a lot else, to be honest. My mind is always a whirrin' away about something or another. My brain's been attempting to digest all the information that I've fed it this semester. Here' s something I thought about while in church this morning.

We were in the middle of worship and my mother points out a young man, and said "oh look there's A.L." (Initials used to protect identity, I'm working on my gossiping problem) and I said "that's A.L.?" I recognized the guy from high school, but had never talked to him, or learned his name. But the name clicked and I remembered something.

I transferred schools half way through 5th grade, because I was placed in a gifted program and I was having severe social problems at my original school. I remember being told by my new classmates about this guy (A.L.), who used to be in the class, but left. Apparently, according to their fifth grade minds nobody liked him because he was so annoying (and fat) and therefore totally worthless. In my 5th grade gifted class the greatest insult you could receive was to be told you were "acting like A.L." I was a very awkward kid, with zero social skills and often when I would do something wrong that's what they would tell me.

Flash forward four years, I'm in high school now and I'm riding the bus home. I don't know anyone who's on my route, so I people watch for the most part. There's a kid who sits up near the front generally by himself, he's kind of large and sweaty, I didn't know him. When he does try to talk to someone, his lack of social skills and extreme awkwardness are incredibly apparent. He generally ends up making a fool of himself and annoying everybody else until someone yells at him enough to get him to shut up. But I don't care, he's not my problem.

I also see this kid around school, In generally the same social situation. Trying desperately to interact correctly with people and failing epically.

The guy in church was A.L., the same guy who got made fun of in my 5th grade class, on my bus and all through out high school.

When I realized just who he was I just thought "Oh My God, what have we done?"

The reason this hit me so hard is I realized that there is very little separating me from him. The only reason I managed to have any kind of decent high school experience was because I managed to catch on quickly to the social rules of high school and my mom took me to a doctor that specialized in weight loss.
That's it.

I weighed 204 pounds the begining of my freshman year of high school, it took 3 full years but I lost about 50 pounds. I have always struggled with my weight, always been the "fat chick", always felt like some how I deserved all the crap people gave me because I was fat and that made my worthless.
I don't generally like to talk about it, for a variety of reasons. It's embarrassing, it's painful to recall, I don't want people to feel sorry for me or give me any kind of sympathy because I was made fun as a kid. It's just something that was and I'm working on getting over it.

I got the chance at having a fun time in high school. He didn't. I didn't get made fun of or ridiculed in high school, he did. I'm a healthy weight, he isn't.
I'm just so disgusted with my old self. I had absolutely no compassion in high school. Not an ounce, not even compassion for people who were in the same boat I could have been in.

But how this all relates to my new life is Christ is as follows.

This is what I want to see when I go to church:
I want to see broken people. I want to see unwed mothers, social rejects, losers, homeless people, prostitutes. I want to see gays and lesbians, I want to see people with rampant addictions, I want to see people who have made bad decisions and lost everything they have. I want to see everyone society as deemed "unworthy", "unlovable", "hopeless".

This is the message that I want them to hear. This is the message that I want everyone to feel when they spend time with me. This is the message I want my life to convey.

There is a God out there. He created all things and is holy above all things. But, in his holiness and in your brokenness he loves you.

"But, while we were still sinners, in due time Christ died for the ungodly" Romans 5:6

God loves you, he created you. There is nothing you can do (or fail to do) that would cause God to turn his back on you.

"For I am convinced that neither life nor death, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present or things to come, nor height or depth, nor any other created thing can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 8:38

If anyone has told you that you are worthless, that is a lie from the devil. Things may appear hopeless now, but God has a plan for you.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD," Jeremiah 29:11-12

God is not vindictive, he doesn't want you to suffer, he wants you to return to him, to be his child again (see Luke 15:11-32, the story of the prodigal son).

I'm sorry for the things people have done to hurt you. I'm sorry for the things I've done. I'm sorry for the times that I've had no compassion, no understanding and for the times I've been wrapped up in myself and the cares of this world.

But, realize that I have found hope in Jesus Christ. He is my light and my salvation.
"For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' "Hebrew 13:5
Hear is one who will love you no matter what you do. Who will never abandon you or tell you that you are not good enough.

I hope one day you will feel the love and passion that Jesus Christ has for you, in the same way that I do.
I hope that I can show you the love that I have been shown.
God bless you and keep you

Welcome Holy Child

It's Christmas again. As I sit here the rain is coming down steadily. I really like the rain on Christmas. Other states pray for a white Christmas, I just hope for a wet one. Our house with its many windows looks different in the soft lighting of a winter rain storm. No thunder or lightening, just gentle pitter-patter on the window panes. It's the afternoon now, my family has finally settled down after a morning filled with eating and gift exchanging. I love how subdued and peaceful it is right now. It's a very rare treat to find us all together with a decibel rating below 90.

You know, sometimes I go through these huge phases of doubt. Serious doubt, no namby-pamby wishy-washiness. Some days I wake up and I'm like "who do you think you're kidding Sarah? Do you honestly believe all this crap they're feeding you? You must be out of your right mind." Where is God in all this violence? Where is God?

But, on days like today I get pass all the confusion in my brain and run straight into the truth. Kind of like running into a glass door that's been cleaned real well. I was thinking today and this thought came unbidden to the surface of my consciousness "I cannot remember the last time I got so angry at someone that I lost control and screamed at them." Before I let God into my life, I was so angry. A phrase I used often was "I hate people", most of my then-friends took it as a joke and laughed it off, but I wonder if they realized how serious I was. I hated people, truly hated, I don't think anyone is really aware of the depths of my anger.

But,
I don't feel like that any more. I honestly don't understand how it's possible. The only logical explanation is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. God has done more then just "make me nicer", he's taken the very way I think and transformed it. People have told me that I find the good in people, but to be perfectly honest, it's God. He doesn't let me fixate on the bad qualities like I used to. It's weird to me, when I react to situations nicely in ways that even eight months ago I would have acted the complete opposite. It's like I'm not myself anymore, like I don't belong to myself.

Well I guess I don't.

Reflections on this semester

So I'm officially done with my first semester of college. One down, nine more to go!~woot~ (the nursing program at USF is 6 semesters long + four semesters of prerequisites) Academically, I did fairly well this semester (Three A's and Three A+'s). However, as it is with most college kids (I think?) the biggest growth that occurred was not intellectual growth but personal growth (spiritual, emotional, social etc.).

My identity no longer rests in academic accolades, extra-curricular awards and other fading praises of men. I used to be so wrapped up in proving that I was worth something. It's taken a lot of long conversations and a lot of thinking to finally understand what it means to be a new creation in Christ. To be perfectly honest though, I'm still not sure if I understand it completely, as I'm still in the process of sanctification and letting go of my earthly identity and letting my identity be completely hidden in Christ.

We are justified by Christ's actions at Calvary. Nothing else. That truth alone is the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered. We are as the reformers would put it "simul iustus et pecator" simulationously justified and sinful. We, in our inequity have been bought by the blood of Jesus Christ and because of that we are justified in the eyes of God.

It's so funny to me, watching myself change. In high school, I was constantly busy. If there was an organization to join, I joined it. If there was an award to receive I made sure I was in the running for it. I had to be the best, always. There was no room for mistakes, I never let myself forget anything that I did "wrong".
Now in college, I don't feel any pressing need to try to make myself into anything. This semester I came in planing to be hyper-involved, just like is HS. Fortunately for me, God looks after fools and has bigger plans for me and doesn't let me get in the way. I'm finally okay with the fact that right now I don't look that great on paper.

These are the things that I didn't do this semester

• I haven't won any impressive awards
• I didn't take the hardest classes
• I wasn't involved in any impressive research projects
• I didn't get involved in any major award-winning volunteer project
• I didn't join the "right" organizations. (I'm not sure what those are, but probably something multicultural or something to do with feeding the homeless would do)
  

This is what I did do

• I made friends. Good friends.
  
• I learned how to build relationships with people based on the common denominator of a relationship with Christ.
  
• I learned how to cry in front of people.
  
• I learned that it's okay to not be the best.
• I had fun. Ordinary fun that had no purpose.
  
• I drew closer to God.

I'm not sure if I can put that on my co-curricular transcript.

It's so hard to just be, when everyone is telling me about all the things I need to do. If you want to get into grad school you need to....If you want to get scholarships you need to...If you want to get this award you need too...If you want to be impressive you need to...

The other thing that's really changed in my brain is I'm a lot less opinionated then I used to be. Which is funny, because I thought you were supposed to form your opinions about the world in college? I guess not.

I used to be able to write pages and pages about my opinions. For every issue, not only did I have an opinion, but I had an answer, and not just an answer, but THE answer. I loved to tell everybody exactly how they should be living their life. And I frequently did. Now I struggle to come up with even a single coherent sentence that accurately describes the way I feel about something. I think my problem is I have became aware of my own limited ability to see the whole picture. I also (by the grace of God) found a community of people who are as smart, as informed and as able to express themselves as me. In discussing things with people smarter then I, I learned to listen. Thank God I finally got the sensed knocked into me.

Winter Break

I've been home now for eleven days. Eleven days of all the reading, knitting, cleaning and time wasting I can handle. I'm getting a little lonely. I kept myself fairly busy the first week I was home. I spent most of the week volunteering in my sister's first grade classroom. That was a joy. I helped the kids make ginger bread houses, paint and do math. I love kids. That's one of the only downsides to college, no kids (or dogs for that matter).
Although, as much as I whine about not having anybody to hang out with, this break has been a blessing. I've read a lot of really cool books so far. I started off with two my friend mike gave me.
The first book is called back to basics, it's about reformed theology. I've gotten into studying theology on my own lately. I feel like it's filling in the holes in my brain. But, then again in some ways it's not. I'm becoming increasingly aware of the fact the a lot of intellectual people interpret the bible differently, for very good intellectual reasons, which means there are some real smart people out there who are just plain wrong.

One of the biggest questions I've been wrestling with is "can women be pastors?". My entire life i've been told that they can't, that it's not biblical for a women to take authority over a man. The scripture's seem support this (1 Timothy 2:11-15, see http://www.gotquestions.org/women-pastors.html for an in depth explanation). However, there are people that claim that that passage was mistranslated by chauvinists and that in Greek the pronouns Paul used when describing qualifications for elders refer to both males and females.