Thinking

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of thinking and not a lot else, to be honest. My mind is always a whirrin' away about something or another. My brain's been attempting to digest all the information that I've fed it this semester. Here' s something I thought about while in church this morning.

We were in the middle of worship and my mother points out a young man, and said "oh look there's A.L." (Initials used to protect identity, I'm working on my gossiping problem) and I said "that's A.L.?" I recognized the guy from high school, but had never talked to him, or learned his name. But the name clicked and I remembered something.

I transferred schools half way through 5th grade, because I was placed in a gifted program and I was having severe social problems at my original school. I remember being told by my new classmates about this guy (A.L.), who used to be in the class, but left. Apparently, according to their fifth grade minds nobody liked him because he was so annoying (and fat) and therefore totally worthless. In my 5th grade gifted class the greatest insult you could receive was to be told you were "acting like A.L." I was a very awkward kid, with zero social skills and often when I would do something wrong that's what they would tell me.

Flash forward four years, I'm in high school now and I'm riding the bus home. I don't know anyone who's on my route, so I people watch for the most part. There's a kid who sits up near the front generally by himself, he's kind of large and sweaty, I didn't know him. When he does try to talk to someone, his lack of social skills and extreme awkwardness are incredibly apparent. He generally ends up making a fool of himself and annoying everybody else until someone yells at him enough to get him to shut up. But I don't care, he's not my problem.

I also see this kid around school, In generally the same social situation. Trying desperately to interact correctly with people and failing epically.

The guy in church was A.L., the same guy who got made fun of in my 5th grade class, on my bus and all through out high school.

When I realized just who he was I just thought "Oh My God, what have we done?"

The reason this hit me so hard is I realized that there is very little separating me from him. The only reason I managed to have any kind of decent high school experience was because I managed to catch on quickly to the social rules of high school and my mom took me to a doctor that specialized in weight loss.
That's it.

I weighed 204 pounds the begining of my freshman year of high school, it took 3 full years but I lost about 50 pounds. I have always struggled with my weight, always been the "fat chick", always felt like some how I deserved all the crap people gave me because I was fat and that made my worthless.
I don't generally like to talk about it, for a variety of reasons. It's embarrassing, it's painful to recall, I don't want people to feel sorry for me or give me any kind of sympathy because I was made fun as a kid. It's just something that was and I'm working on getting over it.

I got the chance at having a fun time in high school. He didn't. I didn't get made fun of or ridiculed in high school, he did. I'm a healthy weight, he isn't.
I'm just so disgusted with my old self. I had absolutely no compassion in high school. Not an ounce, not even compassion for people who were in the same boat I could have been in.

But how this all relates to my new life is Christ is as follows.

This is what I want to see when I go to church:
I want to see broken people. I want to see unwed mothers, social rejects, losers, homeless people, prostitutes. I want to see gays and lesbians, I want to see people with rampant addictions, I want to see people who have made bad decisions and lost everything they have. I want to see everyone society as deemed "unworthy", "unlovable", "hopeless".

This is the message that I want them to hear. This is the message that I want everyone to feel when they spend time with me. This is the message I want my life to convey.

There is a God out there. He created all things and is holy above all things. But, in his holiness and in your brokenness he loves you.

"But, while we were still sinners, in due time Christ died for the ungodly" Romans 5:6

God loves you, he created you. There is nothing you can do (or fail to do) that would cause God to turn his back on you.

"For I am convinced that neither life nor death, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present or things to come, nor height or depth, nor any other created thing can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 8:38

If anyone has told you that you are worthless, that is a lie from the devil. Things may appear hopeless now, but God has a plan for you.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you," declares the LORD," Jeremiah 29:11-12

God is not vindictive, he doesn't want you to suffer, he wants you to return to him, to be his child again (see Luke 15:11-32, the story of the prodigal son).

I'm sorry for the things people have done to hurt you. I'm sorry for the things I've done. I'm sorry for the times that I've had no compassion, no understanding and for the times I've been wrapped up in myself and the cares of this world.

But, realize that I have found hope in Jesus Christ. He is my light and my salvation.
"For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' "Hebrew 13:5
Hear is one who will love you no matter what you do. Who will never abandon you or tell you that you are not good enough.

I hope one day you will feel the love and passion that Jesus Christ has for you, in the same way that I do.
I hope that I can show you the love that I have been shown.
God bless you and keep you