Where I'm at

As I am drawing near to the two year anniversary to the beginning of my walk with God, a curious transformation is taking place in my heart and mind. I used to believe, even after I was saved, that the point of my salvation, the purpose of my life was to strive after moral perfection (with the help of Jesus of course), but mostly the responsibility for success was mine. I tried and I tried to reach my standards that I had set for myself. I even had a measure of success for a while, but then I failed. EPICALLY.

It was bad, real bad. For months on end I couldn't tell up from down. I felt like God abandoned me, I felt like I wasn't saved, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself.

But now I see that far from reaching an understanding of God, I just am beginning to start to realize just how vast is the mystery of Christ and Him crucified.

An excerpt from a book by Walter Marshall, (a puritan from the 1600's) that is chillingly accurately in its description of what I went through.


"If these legal zealots be forced by strong conviction to endeavour the practice of spiritual duties for the quieting of their guilty consciences, they may be brought to strive and labour earnestly, and even to macerate their bodies with fasting, that they may kill their lusts; but still their lusts are alive, and as strong as ever they were, and do show forth their enmity against the law of God by inward fretting, repining and grudging at it, as a grievous taskmaster, though a slavish fear restrain their gross outward actings. And, if once these zealots are enlightened with the knowledge of the spiritual nature of the law to discern that God rejects all their slavish service, and will not own it for sincere obedience, then they fall into despair of their salvation, because they see they have failed in their highest attempts to perform the condition, and they can easily discover themselves, that their hearts swell in anger and manifest hatred against the law, yea, and against God and Christ, for prescribing such hard conditions of salvation, which they cannot keep, and yet must expect to be damned eternally for breaking them. This fills them with blasphemous thoughts against God and Christ, and they can hardly refrain from blaspheming with their tongues. And when they are brought to this horrible condition, if God does not in mercy discover to them the way of salvation by free grace, through faith alone, they will endeavour, if they can, to sear their consciences past feeling of sin, and fully to abandon all religion, which has proved such an insufferable torment to them, or, if they cannot sear their consciences, some of them are easily prevailed with by Satan, rather to murder themselves than to live longer in the hatred of God, the spirit of blasphemy and continual horror of conscience.

This is the pestilent effect of legal doctrine upon a carnal heart, that does but rouse up and terribly enrage the sleeping lion, our sinful corruption, instead of killing it - as is too evident by the sad experience of many that have endeavoured with all their might to practice it, and by the Scripture, that shows a sufficient cause why it cannot be otherwise. Therefore, the doctrine of salvation by sincere obedience, that was invented against Antinomianism, may well be ranked among the worst Antinomian errors. For my part, I hate it with perfect hatred, and account it mine enemy, as I have found it to be. And I have found by some good experience the truth of the lesson taught by the apostle, that the way to be freed from the mastery and dominion of sin is not to be under the law, but under grace (Rom. 6:14)."-Walter Marshall, the Gospel Mystery of Sanctification.