So it's that time of year again.
It's time to make ridiculous promises to ourselves that we all know we will break within the first week of the new year. But, enough sarcasm and cynicism. It's time to get down to buisness.
Here's my one resolution
I'm striving for less me in 2010. It's time to downgrade.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thinking
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A lot of thinking and not a lot else, to be honest. My mind is always a whirrin' away about something or another. My brain's been attempting to digest all the information that I've fed it this semester. Here' s something I thought about while in church this morning.
We were in the middle of worship and my mother points out a young man, and said "oh look there's A.L." (Initials used to protect identity, I'm working on my gossiping problem) and I said "that's A.L.?" I recognized the guy from high school, but had never talked to him, or learned his name. But the name clicked and I remembered something.
I transferred schools half way through 5th grade, because I was placed in a gifted program and I was having severe social problems at my original school. I remember being told by my new classmates about this guy (A.L.), who used to be in the class, but left. Apparently, according to their fifth grade minds nobody liked him because he was so annoying (and fat) and therefore totally worthless. In my 5th grade gifted class the greatest insult you could receive was to be told you were "acting like A.L." I was a very awkward kid, with zero social skills and often when I would do something wrong that's what they would tell me.
Flash forward four years, I'm in high school now and I'm riding the bus home. I don't know anyone who's on my route, so I people watch for the most part. There's a kid who sits up near the front generally by himself, he's kind of large and sweaty, I didn't know him. When he does try to talk to someone, his lack of social skills and extreme awkwardness are incredibly apparent. He generally ends up making a fool of himself and annoying everybody else until someone yells at him enough to get him to shut up. But I don't care, he's not my problem.
I also see this kid around school, In generally the same social situation. Trying desperately to interact correctly with people and failing epically.
The guy in church was A.L., the same guy who got made fun of in my 5th grade class, on my bus and all through out high school.
When I realized just who he was I just thought "Oh My God, what have we done?"
The reason this hit me so hard is I realized that there is very little separating me from him. The only reason I managed to have any kind of decent high school experience was because I managed to catch on quickly to the social rules of high school and my mom took me to a doctor that specialized in weight loss.
That's it.
I weighed 204 pounds the begining of my freshman year of high school, it took 3 full years but I lost about 50 pounds. I have always struggled with my weight, always been the "fat chick", always felt like some how I deserved all the crap people gave me because I was fat and that made my worthless.
I don't generally like to talk about it, for a variety of reasons. It's embarrassing, it's painful to recall, I don't want people to feel sorry for me or give me any kind of sympathy because I was made fun as a kid. It's just something that was and I'm working on getting over it.
I got the chance at having a fun time in high school. He didn't. I didn't get made fun of or ridiculed in high school, he did. I'm a healthy weight, he isn't.
I'm just so disgusted with my old self. I had absolutely no compassion in high school. Not an ounce, not even compassion for people who were in the same boat I could have been in.
But how this all relates to my new life is Christ is as follows.
This is what I want to see when I go to church:
I want to see broken people. I want to see unwed mothers, social rejects, losers, homeless people, prostitutes. I want to see gays and lesbians, I want to see people with rampant addictions, I want to see people who have made bad decisions and lost everything they have. I want to see everyone society as deemed "unworthy", "unlovable", "hopeless".
This is the message that I want them to hear. This is the message that I want everyone to feel when they spend time with me. This is the message I want my life to convey.
There is a God out there. He created all things and is holy above all things. But, in his holiness and in your brokenness he loves you.
"But, while we were still sinners, in due time Christ died for the ungodly" Romans 5:6
God loves you, he created you. There is nothing you can do (or fail to do) that would cause God to turn his back on you.
"For I am convinced that neither life nor death, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present or things to come, nor height or depth, nor any other created thing can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 8:38
If anyone has told you that you are worthless, that is a lie from the devil. Things may appear hopeless now, but God has a plan for you.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD," Jeremiah 29:11-12
God is not vindictive, he doesn't want you to suffer, he wants you to return to him, to be his child again (see Luke 15:11-32, the story of the prodigal son).
I'm sorry for the things people have done to hurt you. I'm sorry for the things I've done. I'm sorry for the times that I've had no compassion, no understanding and for the times I've been wrapped up in myself and the cares of this world.
But, realize that I have found hope in Jesus Christ. He is my light and my salvation.
"For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' "Hebrew 13:5
Hear is one who will love you no matter what you do. Who will never abandon you or tell you that you are not good enough.
I hope one day you will feel the love and passion that Jesus Christ has for you, in the same way that I do.
I hope that I can show you the love that I have been shown.
God bless you and keep you
We were in the middle of worship and my mother points out a young man, and said "oh look there's A.L." (Initials used to protect identity, I'm working on my gossiping problem) and I said "that's A.L.?" I recognized the guy from high school, but had never talked to him, or learned his name. But the name clicked and I remembered something.
I transferred schools half way through 5th grade, because I was placed in a gifted program and I was having severe social problems at my original school. I remember being told by my new classmates about this guy (A.L.), who used to be in the class, but left. Apparently, according to their fifth grade minds nobody liked him because he was so annoying (and fat) and therefore totally worthless. In my 5th grade gifted class the greatest insult you could receive was to be told you were "acting like A.L." I was a very awkward kid, with zero social skills and often when I would do something wrong that's what they would tell me.
Flash forward four years, I'm in high school now and I'm riding the bus home. I don't know anyone who's on my route, so I people watch for the most part. There's a kid who sits up near the front generally by himself, he's kind of large and sweaty, I didn't know him. When he does try to talk to someone, his lack of social skills and extreme awkwardness are incredibly apparent. He generally ends up making a fool of himself and annoying everybody else until someone yells at him enough to get him to shut up. But I don't care, he's not my problem.
I also see this kid around school, In generally the same social situation. Trying desperately to interact correctly with people and failing epically.
The guy in church was A.L., the same guy who got made fun of in my 5th grade class, on my bus and all through out high school.
When I realized just who he was I just thought "Oh My God, what have we done?"
The reason this hit me so hard is I realized that there is very little separating me from him. The only reason I managed to have any kind of decent high school experience was because I managed to catch on quickly to the social rules of high school and my mom took me to a doctor that specialized in weight loss.
That's it.
I weighed 204 pounds the begining of my freshman year of high school, it took 3 full years but I lost about 50 pounds. I have always struggled with my weight, always been the "fat chick", always felt like some how I deserved all the crap people gave me because I was fat and that made my worthless.
I don't generally like to talk about it, for a variety of reasons. It's embarrassing, it's painful to recall, I don't want people to feel sorry for me or give me any kind of sympathy because I was made fun as a kid. It's just something that was and I'm working on getting over it.
I got the chance at having a fun time in high school. He didn't. I didn't get made fun of or ridiculed in high school, he did. I'm a healthy weight, he isn't.
I'm just so disgusted with my old self. I had absolutely no compassion in high school. Not an ounce, not even compassion for people who were in the same boat I could have been in.
But how this all relates to my new life is Christ is as follows.
This is what I want to see when I go to church:
I want to see broken people. I want to see unwed mothers, social rejects, losers, homeless people, prostitutes. I want to see gays and lesbians, I want to see people with rampant addictions, I want to see people who have made bad decisions and lost everything they have. I want to see everyone society as deemed "unworthy", "unlovable", "hopeless".
This is the message that I want them to hear. This is the message that I want everyone to feel when they spend time with me. This is the message I want my life to convey.
There is a God out there. He created all things and is holy above all things. But, in his holiness and in your brokenness he loves you.
"But, while we were still sinners, in due time Christ died for the ungodly" Romans 5:6
God loves you, he created you. There is nothing you can do (or fail to do) that would cause God to turn his back on you.
"For I am convinced that neither life nor death, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present or things to come, nor height or depth, nor any other created thing can separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 8:38
If anyone has told you that you are worthless, that is a lie from the devil. Things may appear hopeless now, but God has a plan for you.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD," Jeremiah 29:11-12
God is not vindictive, he doesn't want you to suffer, he wants you to return to him, to be his child again (see Luke 15:11-32, the story of the prodigal son).
I'm sorry for the things people have done to hurt you. I'm sorry for the things I've done. I'm sorry for the times that I've had no compassion, no understanding and for the times I've been wrapped up in myself and the cares of this world.
But, realize that I have found hope in Jesus Christ. He is my light and my salvation.
"For He Himself has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' "Hebrew 13:5
Hear is one who will love you no matter what you do. Who will never abandon you or tell you that you are not good enough.
I hope one day you will feel the love and passion that Jesus Christ has for you, in the same way that I do.
I hope that I can show you the love that I have been shown.
God bless you and keep you
Friday, December 25, 2009
Welcome Holy Child
It's Christmas again. As I sit here the rain is coming down steadily. I really like the rain on Christmas. Other states pray for a white Christmas, I just hope for a wet one. Our house with its many windows looks different in the soft lighting of a winter rain storm. No thunder or lightening, just gentle pitter-patter on the window panes. It's the afternoon now, my family has finally settled down after a morning filled with eating and gift exchanging. I love how subdued and peaceful it is right now. It's a very rare treat to find us all together with a decibel rating below 90.
You know, sometimes I go through these huge phases of doubt. Serious doubt, no namby-pamby wishy-washiness. Some days I wake up and I'm like "who do you think you're kidding Sarah? Do you honestly believe all this crap they're feeding you? You must be out of your right mind." Where is God in all this violence? Where is God?
But, on days like today I get pass all the confusion in my brain and run straight into the truth. Kind of like running into a glass door that's been cleaned real well. I was thinking today and this thought came unbidden to the surface of my consciousness "I cannot remember the last time I got so angry at someone that I lost control and screamed at them." Before I let God into my life, I was so angry. A phrase I used often was "I hate people", most of my then-friends took it as a joke and laughed it off, but I wonder if they realized how serious I was. I hated people, truly hated, I don't think anyone is really aware of the depths of my anger.
But,
I don't feel like that any more. I honestly don't understand how it's possible. The only logical explanation is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. God has done more then just "make me nicer", he's taken the very way I think and transformed it. People have told me that I find the good in people, but to be perfectly honest, it's God. He doesn't let me fixate on the bad qualities like I used to. It's weird to me, when I react to situations nicely in ways that even eight months ago I would have acted the complete opposite. It's like I'm not myself anymore, like I don't belong to myself.
Well I guess I don't.
You know, sometimes I go through these huge phases of doubt. Serious doubt, no namby-pamby wishy-washiness. Some days I wake up and I'm like "who do you think you're kidding Sarah? Do you honestly believe all this crap they're feeding you? You must be out of your right mind." Where is God in all this violence? Where is God?
But, on days like today I get pass all the confusion in my brain and run straight into the truth. Kind of like running into a glass door that's been cleaned real well. I was thinking today and this thought came unbidden to the surface of my consciousness "I cannot remember the last time I got so angry at someone that I lost control and screamed at them." Before I let God into my life, I was so angry. A phrase I used often was "I hate people", most of my then-friends took it as a joke and laughed it off, but I wonder if they realized how serious I was. I hated people, truly hated, I don't think anyone is really aware of the depths of my anger.
But,
I don't feel like that any more. I honestly don't understand how it's possible. The only logical explanation is the saving grace of Jesus Christ. God has done more then just "make me nicer", he's taken the very way I think and transformed it. People have told me that I find the good in people, but to be perfectly honest, it's God. He doesn't let me fixate on the bad qualities like I used to. It's weird to me, when I react to situations nicely in ways that even eight months ago I would have acted the complete opposite. It's like I'm not myself anymore, like I don't belong to myself.
Well I guess I don't.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Reflections on this semester
So I'm officially done with my first semester of college. One down, nine more to go!~woot~ (the nursing program at USF is 6 semesters long + four semesters of prerequisites) Academically, I did fairly well this semester (Three A's and Three A+'s). However, as it is with most college kids (I think?) the biggest growth that occurred was not intellectual growth but personal growth (spiritual, emotional, social etc.).
My identity no longer rests in academic accolades, extra-curricular awards and other fading praises of men. I used to be so wrapped up in proving that I was worth something. It's taken a lot of long conversations and a lot of thinking to finally understand what it means to be a new creation in Christ. To be perfectly honest though, I'm still not sure if I understand it completely, as I'm still in the process of sanctification and letting go of my earthly identity and letting my identity be completely hidden in Christ.
We are justified by Christ's actions at Calvary. Nothing else. That truth alone is the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered. We are as the reformers would put it "simul iustus et pecator" simulationously justified and sinful. We, in our inequity have been bought by the blood of Jesus Christ and because of that we are justified in the eyes of God.
It's so funny to me, watching myself change. In high school, I was constantly busy. If there was an organization to join, I joined it. If there was an award to receive I made sure I was in the running for it. I had to be the best, always. There was no room for mistakes, I never let myself forget anything that I did "wrong".
Now in college, I don't feel any pressing need to try to make myself into anything. This semester I came in planing to be hyper-involved, just like is HS. Fortunately for me, God looks after fools and has bigger plans for me and doesn't let me get in the way. I'm finally okay with the fact that right now I don't look that great on paper.
These are the things that I didn't do this semester
It's so hard to just be, when everyone is telling me about all the things I need to do. If you want to get into grad school you need to....If you want to get scholarships you need to...If you want to get this award you need too...If you want to be impressive you need to...
The other thing that's really changed in my brain is I'm a lot less opinionated then I used to be. Which is funny, because I thought you were supposed to form your opinions about the world in college? I guess not.
I used to be able to write pages and pages about my opinions. For every issue, not only did I have an opinion, but I had an answer, and not just an answer, but THE answer. I loved to tell everybody exactly how they should be living their life. And I frequently did. Now I struggle to come up with even a single coherent sentence that accurately describes the way I feel about something. I think my problem is I have became aware of my own limited ability to see the whole picture. I also (by the grace of God) found a community of people who are as smart, as informed and as able to express themselves as me. In discussing things with people smarter then I, I learned to listen. Thank God I finally got the sensed knocked into me.
My identity no longer rests in academic accolades, extra-curricular awards and other fading praises of men. I used to be so wrapped up in proving that I was worth something. It's taken a lot of long conversations and a lot of thinking to finally understand what it means to be a new creation in Christ. To be perfectly honest though, I'm still not sure if I understand it completely, as I'm still in the process of sanctification and letting go of my earthly identity and letting my identity be completely hidden in Christ.
We are justified by Christ's actions at Calvary. Nothing else. That truth alone is the most beautiful thing I've ever encountered. We are as the reformers would put it "simul iustus et pecator" simulationously justified and sinful. We, in our inequity have been bought by the blood of Jesus Christ and because of that we are justified in the eyes of God.
It's so funny to me, watching myself change. In high school, I was constantly busy. If there was an organization to join, I joined it. If there was an award to receive I made sure I was in the running for it. I had to be the best, always. There was no room for mistakes, I never let myself forget anything that I did "wrong".
Now in college, I don't feel any pressing need to try to make myself into anything. This semester I came in planing to be hyper-involved, just like is HS. Fortunately for me, God looks after fools and has bigger plans for me and doesn't let me get in the way. I'm finally okay with the fact that right now I don't look that great on paper.
These are the things that I didn't do this semester
- I haven't won any impressive awards
- I didn't take the hardest classes
- I wasn't involved in any impressive research projects
- I didn't get involved in any major award-winning volunteer project
- I didn't join the "right" organizations. (I'm not sure what those are, but probably something multicultural or something to do with feeding the homeless would do)
- I made friends. Good friends.
- I learned how to build relationships with people based on the common denominator of a relationship with Christ.
- I learned how to cry in front of people.
- I learned that it's okay to not be the best.
- I had fun. Ordinary fun that had no purpose.
- I drew closer to God.
It's so hard to just be, when everyone is telling me about all the things I need to do. If you want to get into grad school you need to....If you want to get scholarships you need to...If you want to get this award you need too...If you want to be impressive you need to...
The other thing that's really changed in my brain is I'm a lot less opinionated then I used to be. Which is funny, because I thought you were supposed to form your opinions about the world in college? I guess not.
I used to be able to write pages and pages about my opinions. For every issue, not only did I have an opinion, but I had an answer, and not just an answer, but THE answer. I loved to tell everybody exactly how they should be living their life. And I frequently did. Now I struggle to come up with even a single coherent sentence that accurately describes the way I feel about something. I think my problem is I have became aware of my own limited ability to see the whole picture. I also (by the grace of God) found a community of people who are as smart, as informed and as able to express themselves as me. In discussing things with people smarter then I, I learned to listen. Thank God I finally got the sensed knocked into me.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Winter Break
I've been home now for eleven days. Eleven days of all the reading, knitting, cleaning and time wasting I can handle. I'm getting a little lonely. I kept myself fairly busy the first week I was home. I spent most of the week volunteering in my sister's first grade classroom. That was a joy. I helped the kids make ginger bread houses, paint and do math. I love kids. That's one of the only downsides to college, no kids (or dogs for that matter).
Although, as much as I whine about not having anybody to hang out with, this break has been a blessing. I've read a lot of really cool books so far. I started off with two my friend mike gave me.
The first book is called back to basics, it's about reformed theology. I've gotten into studying theology on my own lately. I feel like it's filling in the holes in my brain. But, then again in some ways it's not. I'm becoming increasingly aware of the fact the a lot of intellectual people interpret the bible differently, for very good intellectual reasons, which means there are some real smart people out there who are just plain wrong.
One of the biggest questions I've been wrestling with is "can women be pastors?". My entire life i've been told that they can't, that it's not biblical for a women to take authority over a man. The scripture's seem support this (1 Timothy 2:11-15, see http://www.gotquestions.org/women-pastors.html for an in depth explanation). However, there are people that claim that that passage was mistranslated by chauvinists and that in Greek the pronouns Paul used when describing qualifications for elders refer to both males and females.
Although, as much as I whine about not having anybody to hang out with, this break has been a blessing. I've read a lot of really cool books so far. I started off with two my friend mike gave me.
The first book is called back to basics, it's about reformed theology. I've gotten into studying theology on my own lately. I feel like it's filling in the holes in my brain. But, then again in some ways it's not. I'm becoming increasingly aware of the fact the a lot of intellectual people interpret the bible differently, for very good intellectual reasons, which means there are some real smart people out there who are just plain wrong.
One of the biggest questions I've been wrestling with is "can women be pastors?". My entire life i've been told that they can't, that it's not biblical for a women to take authority over a man. The scripture's seem support this (1 Timothy 2:11-15, see http://www.gotquestions.org/women-pastors.html for an in depth explanation). However, there are people that claim that that passage was mistranslated by chauvinists and that in Greek the pronouns Paul used when describing qualifications for elders refer to both males and females.
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