This is life

 So it looks like I won't be having surgery for awhile. Unfortunately, my doctor found some other abnormalities in my blood work that I need to get checked out by a specialist first. What I thought would be the end has turned out to be just the beginning.

In some ways, the news was a little devastating. For the first time since the diagnosis, I couldn't keep it together. I sat down and cried like a little girl. All the the painful procedures, all the money we spent, was a waste. To make matters worse, I'm probably going to have to redo all the procedures when we get close to the new surgery date.

Now I have to locate yet another doctor. Then it's time to get back on the tilt-a-whirl of tests and procedures to try and figure out what else is wrong with me. 

I don't want anything else to be wrong. I just want to be normal. I'm 21, the problems I'm having are the kinds of problems that you aren't supposed to have to deal with till you're 50.

I feel like my body is rebelling against me. Most days I feel perfectly fine and then out of nowhere I start bleeding so heavily I debate with myself if I need to go to the hospital. It's been really hard to figure out what causes me to start bleeding. I've pretty much figured out that I can't do any lifting. I don't want to sit around like an invalid for the next three months. Besides being bored out of my mind, it would be really bad for me to be that physically inactive. The healthier I am for surgery, the faster I will recover and the less complications I will have. So it's really important for me to exersize.

Being sick has caused a radical shift in my perspective on a a variety of issues. For one, I'm pretty much in favor of the U.S. implementing some sort of socialized medicine reform. I couldn't imagine what I would do if I had this problem and didn't have insurance. One of the biggest reasons my family and I were trying to get my surgery done asap is insurance worries. My insurance is through my Dad, which is through his work. My dad could loose his job at any point in time, which would leave me out of luck until I got a job after graduation. Furthermore, dealing with insurance companies is akin to getting your wisdom teeth removed....without anesthesia. Luckily, I have the most amazing mother in the world and she gets it figured out. Every time I have to call them, it stresses me out so much I just end up crying. and not solving my problem. It's crazy, if a college educated women can't figure out how to navigate insurance, that's a problem.

On the spiritual side of things, it is difficult to see how weak your faith is until you face a trial. Then once you see how weak it is, you wish you couldn't see. This illness has exposed so many deep rooted sins of my heart. Nevertheless, despite how lost I feel, I know that God is with me. I'm not lost.

If God has chosen that this would be the way that I would know Him better, then so be it. If God has desired to answer my prayers through crosses, then who am I to challenge God?

God did not promise that life would be easy and pain free. In fact the opposite is what is guaranteed. We are called to suffer, as our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ suffered.

I know these truths in my heart. But sometimes it's hard to live like they are true. I wish I had more insights to share. I wish I could see clearer through this fog. I feel like a small child walking through a deep fog in an unfamiliar area. I can feel my father's hand, but I can't see him. Things that in daylight would be familiar, seem menacing in the shadow. I know where I'm going, but I don't know the path. Even though my Father is there, I'm still scared. The uncertainty is frightening. I call out "I'm so afraid!" And the Father says "rest assured My child, we will get there in time. Rest easy"

 

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you"  

~Isaiah 41:13~

This momentary and light affliction

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand,
Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you."

~Isaiah 41:13~

SOOOOO... I was supposed to be undergoing major surgery tomorrow.

However, I just received a call from my doctor's office and as it turns out, they're going to have to reschedule the surgery. My doctor is having a personal emergency and to top that off, I'm severely anemic (which was no surprise to me).

To be honest, waiting for this surgery has been a little like waiting for category 5 hurricane to hit your house after you decided not to evacuate. You know you're probably going to survive, but you really don't know how bad the damage is going to be.

On that note, I've officially decided all that idealistic mumbo-jumbo about living everyday like it's your last day is a bunch of hogwash. I can just say that living in light of a very real threat of peril does not inspire me to me to go out and do all the things I never did. I really just want to find a dark hole to curl up in.

This news has come like a blow to the gut. I just want to get this over with. After the call I put my head in my hands and talked to the Maker of the Universe. "God, what is happening? I don't understand. What's the point of all this?"

I grabbed my Bible and opened it to one of its most well worn sections, Hebrews chapter 11-12.

and I read: 

"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen..." 

and as I read, I said to myself "I will have faith in God." Even though I'm really lost right now. Even though I feel like everything in my life is out of control.

As I considered the examples of faith that have been set before me I realized that all of us will have our faith tested in many ways through out our life and I arrived at the same conclusions as the Author:

"Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

The race of faith is not a sprint, it's a marathon. And you know what? Sometimes marathons have hills. Big hills, impossible hills, hills that come when you least expect them and hills that make you wonder why you ever even decided to run this race.

I made a commitment to follow Christ three years ago this September and in all that time He has never failed me. So in light of His enduring faithfulness, I have decided to trust the Lord and believe that He is good no matter what the circumstances, no matter what the consequences.

I am learning a very key lesson in life right now and it is as follows: God is in control and I am not.


There is one bright spot in all of this. Now I know what its like to be a patient. I know that this is going to make me a better nurse.

I will never again mentally criticize a patient for being needy. Because guess what?  I am a complete space case and very needy. I can't remember anything I'm supposed to do or questions I'm supposed to ask. Stress does funny things to you (and being severely anemic doesn't help either).   

Speaking of stress.... One the one hand, I have been relatively calm about all of this. No crazy break downs or anger outbursts. I know that God is soverign and He is good. God has given me peace with what is happening. On the other hand, I feel like I'm trying to stop a tsunami of uncontrollable anxiety with a boogie board. To be honest, ever since the diagnosis I've had trouble sleeping and I can't seem to focus on anything. It difficult to even read for more then a few minutes at a time. I've turned into a complete flake. I have never experienced this kind of anxiety before, nor these kinds of anxiety symptoms. Though now, it seems what I thought was anxiety is probably an effect of the anemia.

In someways addressing anxiety is difficult. Partially due to the fact that some anxiety symptoms are a natural hormonal response to physical stress that can't be changed (for example, your heart rate going up when you are in pain), but some of it is sin that needs to be put to death. But to be perfectly honest, fighting sin has moved way down on my priority list at the moment. Which is a problem. John Owen said it perfectly "be killing sin or it will be killing you." Believe me, it's killing me right now.

But, you see, I can clearly see that in this brokeness, God's love is shinning through. In the midst of my sin, I am confident that he loves me still. I am living Romans 8 right now. If you've never read that chapter, run, don't walk to your Bible and read it now, and then at least a hundred more times.  Chapter 8 is the Apostle Paul's amazingly stunning conclusion to the whole matter of being justified by faith instead of works.

"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit."

Halleluiah! What peace to know that my sins will not be counted against me.

Oh, how I long for Heaven! I long to lay down this body of death and put on my body made for glory. Every procedure and every pill is just one more reminder that this is not my home. I was not made for this. I was made to be with Jesus. I am thankful for these reminders. God forbid that I should come to love this world.

I am thankful for one more opportunity to be counted worthy to share in the sufferings of Christ. I am thankful to the the object that God has chosen to display His Glory through.

SOLI DEO GLORIA

A surprising turn of events

When I began this blog three years ago (has it really been that long?), I envisioned that it would be a place where I would create my memoirs. A sort of online diary, an excuse to sharpen my writing skills and hash out my worldview. Overtime my writing has developed as I have developed. I once was an 18 year-old college freshman, just beginning to get my feet wet with life. Now I am a 21 year-old college senior, three years into this merry-go-round we call adulthood.

I've written about many aspects of my life. I have chosen to focus primarily on my walk with Christ and the lessons God has taught me. For the most part, I tired to speak vaguely about the more intimate details of my life. Personal privacy is a thing to be safely guarded these days. I've tried to balance the necessary openness of writing a blog with the wisdom of keeping appropriate boundaries. I've learned a lot about that these past three years.

I have attempted to be as honest and open as prudence would allow. However, there is one area of my life I have chosen not to address until now. The truth is, I have had some ongoing health struggles that I have kept to myself, for a variety of reasons. However, I think I am finally ready to share how the Lord has worked through me in this struggle.

This is my story:

I was diagnosed with a conditions known as Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) at the age of 19 following my freshman year at USF. Honestly, there are few things in life I am more loathe to talk about then my health struggles. My condition isn't rare, but it's complex. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with my diagnosis. The diagnosis, while answering many questions, brought to light many more. In some ways, it was a relief to know why I had persistent acne and weight problems. It was such a relief to know that it wasn't my personal moral failings that made it so difficult for me to loose weight. Surprisingly, the primary medication to control PCOS symptoms is your run of the mill birth control.

Having to accept that I would be on birth control long term was difficult. My biggest fear, to be honest was 'what would people think if they found out?'. Would they assume that I was sleeping around? It's difficult to explain why you take birth control if you're claiming to be a celibate single adult.

Furthermore, the medication is not without side effects of its own. I have been on five different types of birth control since I was 17. It consistently makes me nauseous and gives me mood swings. The first time I was on it, I was throwing up essentially every other day for months on end. For the past few years, I've felt constantly torn, having to choose between dealing with medication side effects or PCOS symptoms. Without the medication, weight gain is inevitable (which puts me at a very high risk for cardiovascular disease and diabetes). Also, having a face full of acne is socially and physically uncomfortable. And most importantly, if I don't keep my hormones regulated, I am guaranteed to develop ovarian cysts, which could make me completely infertile. By God's grace, the kind I have been on for the last nine months has worked splendidly with no side effects. This is a real blessing.

When I was first diagnosed, I really struggled to come to terms with everything. I cringed at the possibility of not being able to have children. I internally raged "I'm 19! I shouldn't have to be thinking about these types of things!" I always took it for granted that I would be able to easily have as many children as I wanted, like the other women of my family. I honestly felt like less of a women. What a disappointment I would be to my family. I wondered if anyone would ever want to marry me.

God was faithful through these trials. He has patiently taught me to trust Him through this. At this point in time, I have stopped asking why. God has patiently taught me through the years that trusting Him is the answer to all those unanswerable questions. Knowing His character and the goodness of His sovereign will brings the peace that even perfect health could never bring.

Flash flash-forward two years to this January. I began to notice a hard area on the lower part of my abdomen. At first I chalked it up to another case of paranoid nursing student syndrome. I told myself that if something was really wrong, I'd be in a lot of pain. However, in July, I started experiencing some other symptoms that made me a little more concerned. I went to the OB-GYN this past Thursday, she ran some diagnostic tests and I was given some unexpected news.

As it turns out, the rigidness of my abdomen is because I have several large tumors, called Fibroids in my uterus. Currently, my uterus is the size of someone who is 14 weeks pregnant. This condition is not directly related to my other condition. My cynical side laughed at the irony of the news. PCOS keeps me from ovulating and now, even if I did manage to conceive, the fibroids would keep the baby from implanting in my uterus.

The end of the story is that on the 14th, I am scheduled to undergo a major surgical procedure known as a abdominal myomectomy. For those without a medical background, essentially the procedure is pretty similar to a c-section (except I don't get baby at the end, haha). The surgery should take about four hours, barring complications. I will be in the hospital for at least 48 hours afterward. Unfortunately, a side effect of the procedure is that if I do get pregnant in the future, I will require a C-section to deliver. Also, the fibroids will grow back, meaning that eventually I will need a hysterectomy.

Needless to say, this was not what I was expecting when I left camp a week ago. If there is anything that this surgery has caused me to come face to face with the fact that I am not in control of my life. I we are honest with ourselves, we know that for most part we walk around assuming things are essentially going go the way we think they will.

As I have been processing through this news the past few days, a few positive emotions have surfaced amidst the fear and uncertainty. I know that this is for God's glory and I am excited to be the instrument that God has chosen to display to His glory through. I'm also excited to show the world that God is still good even when I am suffering. This is just one more chance to put 'feet to my speech'.

Soli Deo Gloria.  

The CV Chronicles: Week 7

This week I faced Monday morning prepared for battle. I was armed to the teeth with tissues, ibuprofen and dark chocolate, ready to endure what I expected to be week long siege of my cabin by very tiny, very destructive militants (sometimes referred to as 'children.') I had heard horror stories from returning staff about the week 7 slump. I was utterly convinced that this week was going to be terrible. I awoke Monday morning feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. To make matters worse, I was coming out of a weekend of battling sin and doubt. I wasn't sure how I could go on. I thought 'How am I supposed to love these kids and show them Christ when I really just want to go find a hole and crawl in it till it's time for me to go back to Tampa?'

"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9-10~

However, God, in his mercy, had other plans (You think I would learn to stop being surprised when this happens, for real). I had a GREAT week. I think I will show you rather then just tell you (A pictures worth a thousand words right?) One of my campers prayed to receive Christ on Friday night. How cool is it that I get to be a part of that?

A note my campers left me on Saturday morning. They are so darn cute, even when they can't spell my name right.

 

My little sheep! We won honor cabin every single day this week.

 

New barefoot running shoes, they are seriously the most comfortable shoes I've ever owned 

This is what an honor cabin looks like. 

That's what I'm talking about. 

Working the rock wall is probably my favorite activity at camp. I love playing around and challenging myself to try new routes.

Moments like this are why I am a camp counselor. 

This is the view from the ball field I get to enjoy every single day during evening games. It's so beautiful, photos don't do it justice. It is a constant reminder of the beauty of our maker and His everlasting love for me.

 

Getting ready for the sponge relay. 

 

The water was so cold!

Every Friday night we have an outdoor service. We do skits for the kids, watch a highlights video, then we have songs, a message and a testimony time.

This has been the best summer of my life. Seriously. I love this place.

USF Senior Year Bucket List

I was inspired by a friend of mine to create a senior year bucket list. I'm so excited that I'm a senior this year. I' really looking forward to what the Lord is going to do this year. I plan to keep adding to this list until school starts. Feel free to give me suggestions!

Senior Year Bucket List

1. Canoe at River Front Park
2. Do the High Ropes course
3. Frisbee golf at River Front Park
4. Watch an IMAX movie at MOSI
5. Eat dinner and watch the sunset on top of the beard parking garage
6. Swim in the MLK fountain
7. Take Cap and Gown picture sitting on the bulls by the MSC
8. Feed the ducks by J-pop
9. Go to a USF dance and band performance
10. Watch a game and eat at Beef O Brady's
11. Go to vertical ventures
12. Eat at Tacobus
13. Go to a USF football, soccer, baseball and volleyball game. 
14. Go swing dancing at Zenda Grotto
15. Learn ASL for Romans
16. Learn to ride a unicycle
17. Take a picture with Rocky
18. Eat at OTP

The CV Chronicles: My Heart For Missions

"How then shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? And how shall they hear without a preacher? And how shall they preach unless they are sent? As it is written: “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, Who bring glad tidings of good things!"

~Romans 10:14-15~

This summer has been instrumental in deepening my understanding of missions. I have been so blessed this summer to meet full time missionaries from all over the world. I've met missionaries from places as exotic as Africa to as domestic as Birmingham. Yet no matter what the location these people are joyfully serving God and reaching the unreached. Through many presentations and conversations my heart has been moving from "I would like to do missions" to "I MUST do missions". I have seen the need. I have heard their cries. I can no longer deny the burden in my heart. How could I live the rest of my life here in the safety of America, while millions of people pass into eternity without Christ.

The itch began, as do most of my passions, with a book. Over the past few years I've read many biographies of the great missionaries of the last two centuries: Jim and Elizabeth Elliot, Gladys Alwyard, Amy Carmichael, Eric Liddell. The list goes on and on. I have been inspired by their faith and their commitment to their convictions. I am humbled by their profound humility and reliance on the Lord.  


I do not know what the Lord has in store for me in the future. I always tell myself, tongue-in-cheek, that I might die of an aneurism tomorrow, so I shouldn't get too caught up in my plans. But, I pray that God would allow me to see the realization of my dream. To take the gospel to a people who have not heard it before. 

To those who would decry my dream because it isn't safe. I would reply: Of course it isn't safe! But, what is safety? I'll tell you what safety is: Safety is at best, an illusion and at worst, a prison. What's the point of trying to live a safe life? Your body is actively decaying. It's like trying to shine a rotten apple. Now I'm not talking about being foolish, I'm talking about making moves for the Gospel that might cost you something. In some situations it might cost you a relationship, or even your job; in other situations, it may cost you your very life. Listen brethren, if we value personal safety over the advancement of the kingdom, we are mistaken. Why are we so content to let our lives quietly slip through our fingers like grains of sand? Contentedly building our little towers of self-indulgence, when every single day countless souls enter the gates of Hell without even once hearing the name of Christ? To quote one of my favorite preachers Paul Washer "Go out there and die!" 
 

The children here at CV have no idea how truly blessed they are to be hearing what they are hearing. How many thousands of souls pass to the grave every day without ever even hearing the name of Christ! How many people groups have no national gospel witness? Christ must be proclaimed to all the nations, like John Piper says “missions exists because worship doesn’t".  These people were made to worship the God who made them, but they walk in darkness. Let us go and preach the gospel to them! What do we have to fear?  Hasn’t God told us “do not fear him who can kill the body and afterwards do no more, but fear Him who after he has killed the body can cast both body and soul into hell. I say fear Him” What can man do to me? I am praying that I have ‘beautiful feet’


There is a well worn groove in the back of my mind from countless days and nights of mental pacing. I continually question myself: What is the gospel worth to me? 


I want to know if my life will match what I say that I believe. I want to put feet to my speech, so to speak.  


In so many ways, I speak in complete ignorance. Some are of the opinion that is is best then to keep quiet. I, however, am of the opinion that the only way to have my ignorance corrected and my thought processes refined is to take the time to hash out my worldview and have it subsequently critiqued. I heartily welcome the criticism of my brothers and sisters in Christ.


Is not the God who gave His all, worthy of my all? What shall I withhold from the Lord my God? 

The CV Chronicles: Begone Unbelief

“Lord I believe, help my unbelief!”

~Mark 9:24~ 

If you know anything about me, you know I love hymns. My love for hymns began at the time of my salvation. I am frequently given odd looks at USF because I walk around constantly singing to myself, and 9 times out of 10 I am singing a hymn. I love how encouraging and edifying they are. 

Yesterday, unbelief settled like a dark cloud in my heart and followed after me all the day, I couldn't seem to shake it. As I have grown in Christ, satan no longer tempts me to doubt the existence of God, but he does frequently tempt me to doubt the goodness of God. This hymn comforted me in my trial.

Begone, unbelief,
  My Savior is near,
And for my relief
  Will surely appear;
By prayer let me wrestle,
  And He will perform;
With Christ in the vessel,
  I smile at the storm. 

I look at my campers, my little sheep, and I think, what can I do to help them? Some of them have been abused, some of them come from broken homes, some of them are false converts. What can I do to help them? All I have is one week with them. But, the truth is, I CAN'T do anything. But God can do anything!

How frequently do I cry out in prayer in desperation at my own lack of faith. I doubt the Lord so much, I disgust myself. I doubt His love, I doubt that He will work, I doubt His care. I hate it, I hate it I hate it. Why so frequently do my emotions not match my understanding? I know that the Lord loves me yet I still doubt. "OH WRETCHED MAN THAT I AM, WHO WILL DELIVER ME FROM THIS BODY OF DEATH"

 Though dark be my way,
  Since He is my Guide,
'Tis mine to obey,
  'Tis His to provide;
Though cisterns be broken,
  And creatures all fail,
The word He hath spoken
  Shall surely prevail.

I persistently struggle with desiring the approval of other Christians. Non-believers opinions don’t tend to affect me because, from my point of view, they are not evaluating me on God’s standards. However, believers, in my mind, are. So I take their opinion on the level of God’s. Which is so irrational, it hardly requires explanation. If I feel like brother or a sister disapproves of me, it shakes me up.

Why should I complain
  Of want or distress,
Temptation or pain?
  He told me no less;
The heirs of salvation,
  I know from His Word,
Through much tribulation
  Must follow their Lord.

Since all that I meet
  Shall work for my good,
The bitter is sweet,
  The medicine, food;
Though painful at present,
  'Twill cease before long,
And then, oh, how pleasant
  The conqueror's song!
 

Last night we had our own little CV 4th of July celebration. One of our staff has an air cannon that He uses to shoot glow sticks in the air. It's pretty cool. So we shot off glow sticks and let the campers catch them. While we were waiting for our turn, I set my little campers down and as I looked down at them my heart was filled with compassion and love for them. I love these little guys, I would do anything for them. They're my little sheep, almost entirely helpless. But you know what? I don't mind at all. I don't mind that they ask me the same thousand questions everyday, and loose everything, and spill their drinks at every meal and wake me up at 4am because they are scared. I love them.

I think God uses moments like this to show me how much He loves me. If I can have this much love, being the wretched sinner that I am, and these not even my own children, how much does He love me, His daughter?

"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?" 

~ Romans 8:32~

What a weak vessel I am.

But what a strong savior is my God!