Living Will

I had to write a living will for my biomedical ethics class. To be honest, it was really difficult. It was also depressing. I struggled through a lot of the ethical implications of what I was saying. For real, this is the third assignment about my death I've had to do for a class. There's nothing like thinking about your mortality to get your priorities in line. On the one hand, I realize that in my mind I say to myself that I'm not afraid of death and that I welcome the chance to go and be with Christ, but at the same time I am REALLY attached to the life I've got going down here on earth. But, one thing I've really been thinking about is remembering to keep my eyes focused on the goal. Focused towards heaven, focused on eternity. It definitely helps me not to stress out. I have no idea where I'm living this summer or how I'm going to pay for it. This has been really stressing me out, but as soon as I get my head on straight and remember that I am a daughter or The King who owns everything and that I have eternal security for my salvation, I worry a lot less. Funny how that works, isn't it?

By the way, I'm currently reading Desiring God by John Piper (it's pretty good, I would definitely recommend it to anyone). It's awesome so far! Check it out.

Living Will of Sarah Jo Spears

“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die…”

~Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

Declaration made this 11th day of February 2010. I, Sarah Jo Spears am a child of God by the grace of God, through the sole merit of the atoning blood of the Son of God, the Lord Jesus Christ, my Savior. I have received the gift of salvation by faith. I believe that God is sovereign and has ordained my every breath and heart beat. I am of the firm conviction that each and every life is created by God and therefore sacred. In light of this it is my desire to make known my wishes for my care in a terminal state. I am defining a terminal state as a state of coma (with a GCS of 8 or less), persistent vegetative state, or brain death.

It is my will to designate a healthcare surrogate. My healthcare surrogates are my parents, Laura and Terry Spears. In the event that my parents are incapacitated, my sister Jennifer Lykins will serve as surrogate. I reserve the right for my healthcare surrogates to make decisions on my behalf that go contrary to this document. I understand that is impossible to predict every possible situation, therefore in the event that I am mentally incapacitated my healthcare surrogates have the ultimate say in which treatments I receive or do not receive.

When I leave behind this mortal “flesh”, this “tent” I shall exchange it for “a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” (2 Corinthians 5:1-6). Death has been defeated and reins in me no more, yet I consider myself to be already dead, but alive in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:12-13, Ephesians 2:4-9). To be absent from this body and to be present with my Lord in eternity is no loss, but a great gain (Philippians 1:21-25). Therefore, while I do not seek death, I do not desire to unnecessarily prolong the inevitable. This living will may never be used to promote euthanasia, active or passive. No measures should ever be taken to cause death, nor be taken purely to end suffering. Suffering is ordained and will be endured by the grace of God. I have placed my total trust in the Lord God with this mortal body and with my eternal spirit.

It is my will that I never be placed on a ventilator. All other decisions are left to my healthcare surrogates.

If you are reading this document and do not know what will happen to you when you die, let me declare to you that assurance is possible. The Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, who is the first and the last, the holiest of holies has created a way for you to come into his presence. We, who are sinful from the day of our birth, deserve nothing but judgment (Romans 3:10-23). However, God in order to show the brightness of his glory, sent his only son to make a propitiation (an atonement) for our sins (Hebrews 1:1-3, Romans 3:24-26, Romans 6:23) and save us from the wrath of God (Romans 1:18, 5:9). Jesus Christ came to earth, being fully man and fully God and lived a sinless life. He was then was crucified unto death (Romans 5:6-9). He, then having been buried, rose to life again on the third day, as was prophesized in the scriptures. This was planned from the beginning of time so that He could bring us to God (1 Peter 3:18). I beg you, if you have not trusted in Christ as your savior, do not harden you heart. Salvation is a gift of God, free to all who believe, by faith alone (Ephesians 2:8-9, John 1:9-14). Lay down your rebellion and your pride, repent and turn to Jesus.

“So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.

“O Death, where is your sting?

O Hades, where is your victory?”

~ 1 Corinthians 15:54-55

All glory to Him forever and ever, amen!

Where I'm at

As I am drawing near to the two year anniversary to the beginning of my walk with God, a curious transformation is taking place in my heart and mind. I used to believe, even after I was saved, that the point of my salvation, the purpose of my life was to strive after moral perfection (with the help of Jesus of course), but mostly the responsibility for success was mine. I tried and I tried to reach my standards that I had set for myself. I even had a measure of success for a while, but then I failed. EPICALLY.

It was bad, real bad. For months on end I couldn't tell up from down. I felt like God abandoned me, I felt like I wasn't saved, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself.

But now I see that far from reaching an understanding of God, I just am beginning to start to realize just how vast is the mystery of Christ and Him crucified.

An excerpt from a book by Walter Marshall, (a puritan from the 1600's) that is chillingly accurately in its description of what I went through.


"If these legal zealots be forced by strong conviction to endeavour the practice of spiritual duties for the quieting of their guilty consciences, they may be brought to strive and labour earnestly, and even to macerate their bodies with fasting, that they may kill their lusts; but still their lusts are alive, and as strong as ever they were, and do show forth their enmity against the law of God by inward fretting, repining and grudging at it, as a grievous taskmaster, though a slavish fear restrain their gross outward actings. And, if once these zealots are enlightened with the knowledge of the spiritual nature of the law to discern that God rejects all their slavish service, and will not own it for sincere obedience, then they fall into despair of their salvation, because they see they have failed in their highest attempts to perform the condition, and they can easily discover themselves, that their hearts swell in anger and manifest hatred against the law, yea, and against God and Christ, for prescribing such hard conditions of salvation, which they cannot keep, and yet must expect to be damned eternally for breaking them. This fills them with blasphemous thoughts against God and Christ, and they can hardly refrain from blaspheming with their tongues. And when they are brought to this horrible condition, if God does not in mercy discover to them the way of salvation by free grace, through faith alone, they will endeavour, if they can, to sear their consciences past feeling of sin, and fully to abandon all religion, which has proved such an insufferable torment to them, or, if they cannot sear their consciences, some of them are easily prevailed with by Satan, rather to murder themselves than to live longer in the hatred of God, the spirit of blasphemy and continual horror of conscience.

This is the pestilent effect of legal doctrine upon a carnal heart, that does but rouse up and terribly enrage the sleeping lion, our sinful corruption, instead of killing it - as is too evident by the sad experience of many that have endeavoured with all their might to practice it, and by the Scripture, that shows a sufficient cause why it cannot be otherwise. Therefore, the doctrine of salvation by sincere obedience, that was invented against Antinomianism, may well be ranked among the worst Antinomian errors. For my part, I hate it with perfect hatred, and account it mine enemy, as I have found it to be. And I have found by some good experience the truth of the lesson taught by the apostle, that the way to be freed from the mastery and dominion of sin is not to be under the law, but under grace (Rom. 6:14)."-Walter Marshall, the Gospel Mystery of Sanctification.

Moral Outcry

My conscience will no longer allow me to remain silent. I have ignored this issue for far too long. I have allowed myself to look the other way for the sake of politeness and social ease. But no more.

We, as Christian's in America are allowing genocide to occur in this country. The genocide of the unborn became legal in this country in 1973.

As I research different views on abortion, I keep coming across this idea that we should not "force" our "opinions" on people. This argument is the most widespread piece of nonsense I have ever encountered. Frankly, it is an absolutely ridiculous, baseless, pointless argument that we have sucked up because we think it makes us sound tolerant. The American legal system is based on the rule of law. The government is of the "opinion" that running stop lights is dangerous, and they "force" this opinion on the American populace by issuing tickets to those who "choose" to break the law. Should we no longer enforce the law because people should be "free" to do what they wish. Obviously, how could I presume to know what is "right" for someone else? If people want to run red lights, well who am I to "force" my opinion and stop them. I can't make other people's decisions for them, perish the thought that I try to legislate morality or anything of that nature.

Is there not anything that is always wrong, 100% of the time? Has every American's sense of morality become situational? I will tell you, there are things that are always wrong. Incest, rape, murder, to name a few. Reality is not relative.

I don't have the time or the wherewithal to defend against every anti-life (pro-choice) argument. The truth is, there are plenty of other people who have and have done a much better job then I ever could.

But, I will say this. We as Christians need to raise a moral outcry so loud that it shakes the supreme court to its very foundations. We can no longer afford to remain silent and polite while children are being slaughtered in our midst. I am as guilty as the next. I, for far to long have ignored the conviction of the Holy Spirit regarding this issue. I have been a coward and I have been lazy, preferring to keep quiet to keep the peace. But NO MORE!

Some of you may have heard of Diedrich Bonhoeffer, most of you probably haven't. He was a German pastor who took a stand against the Nazi's. He refused to submit when the Nazis invaded the church in Germany. He refused to remain silent whilst they instituted pogroms against the Jews. He fought valiantly in the face of insurmountable evil. Eventually it cost him his life. He he said this,

"Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act."

Amen Brother, Amen

http://bound4life.com/
http://bound4life.com/blog

Why

I haven't written in a while. Not for lack of trying, I must have sat down at least 5 or 6 times, determined to pen the blog post of the century. I've just been empty of words, for lack of a better way to describe it. I guess sometimes you walk through valleys with shadows so deep you just don't know what to say. I would love to be able to say that I am writting this post from the viewpoint of "victory", with every enemy vanquished and every demon banished. I would love to say that I have found the solution to all of my sins, struggles and anxieties and if you follow my patented five step process you too can have your "best life now".

However, I never was any good at lying so I don't see the point of starting now. Truth be told, I feel as if I've been traveling in a tunnel so dark and twisted I can't see any daylight. The nice way to say it is i'm still "in process"

Growing up, I read lot of christian literature about a variety of subjects. But, something I never understood was why so many authors had chosen to write books dealing with the subject of pain and suffering. Why not write more books about how we can stop sinning or how we can be a more productive person, or something useful I thought. People seemed to struggle predominantly with the thought that if God truly loved them then X wouldn't have happened. To be honest I always thought the people who questioned God with a big"WHY ME!?" we're a little slow and silly. That is until recently.

When I first began to walk with Christ, my life changed radically for the better. Everything was beautiful and bright. I floated on clouds, nothing could go wrong (or so it seemed). I faced every hurdle with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Life was like skipping through a a field of daises. Every day was a new adventure, a new lesson to be learned, I was in love.

But things began to change in May. I stopped learning as quickly as I once did; when I fell down, I didn't pop right back up, I stayed down. My failures seemed to mount day by day. I felt lost, I didn't understand. The hardest thing is the unsureness of everything. Questions swam in my head. How long will I feel like this? How long will the sadness stay? Has God forgotten about me? Why am I failing so much? Does this mean that I'm not saved? What if I go back to how I used to be?

This semester has been hard.

Reflections

I just returned from attending the fall concert of the USF honors philharmonic orchestra, jazz combo and a Capella groups. It was incredible.

Attending musical events always causes me to reflect heavily on my life. Music has been such a huge part of my life.

My first reflection is on the incredible goodness of God. There is so much sin in this world, so much darkness. My heart aches for the homeless, the lonely widows, the invisible children, those who are lost and have no hope. Our world is caught in the grips of selfishness, greed and corruption. Yet, nonetheless God has given us the gift of music. I cannot express the pure joy that arises from performing music.

Can you see it? Playing your favorite piece, with a group of people you have come to love as family. You begin, the music swells, you grin in anticipation. Every person you desperately hoped would come has arrived and is on the edge of their seats in the audience. The rhythm section is as solid as rock, every note is perfect. The music grows and swells and takes on a life of its own. Are you making it or is it making you? As the opus ends and the final note slowly drifts away, your hands are tingling and you are left with a curious mix of joy and sorrow. Longing fills your heart, to be back at that moment of perfection. But, you are joyful knowing your work is complete.

I truly believe that this is a reflection of heaven.

One day soon Christ will return to us, in all his glory. The bride coming to claim the bridegroom. The redeemer coming to rescue those that he paid for with his own precious blood. Christ and the church, one of the greatest mysteries. What a day of rejoicing that will be! Finally, finally, we will meet face to face the lover of our souls. And we will know him, just as we are known.

And we will finally be home.

The semester thus far

"And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰ Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

~2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I am now halfway through the fall semester of my sophomore year of college. I don't know how I got this far this quickly. I'm amazed at the speed at which the days turns into weeks. This is now my third attempt to put into words what I have been going through this semester. It's been a roller coaster, to say the least.
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths."

~Proverbs 3:5-6

I generally "pride" (one of my greater sins, as if I have things to be proud of) myself on being a fairly steady, consistent person, not given to emotional upheaval. This has not been the case this semester at all. The only thing I've done consistently this semester is be upset!

I could go on forever about all the things that aren't going the way I want them to, about the things that are hurting me. But, what use would that be? I don't know why I am walking through these trials, or why I feel less capable then ever to meet them. But, I can tell you what I've learned from the experience.

Here's the short story, this semester was a curve ball. I've faced challenges that I never thought I'd have to face. Things that used to be so simple and easy have now grown too difficult for me to handle.
And here are the results:
I have had to throw myself completely at the mercy of God. I have given up attempting to do life on my own strength, by my own will power. It's a hard truth to swallow, but a beautiful one. I am completely dependent on Jesus. All good things come from him (James 1:17), nothing good comes from me (Romans 3:10-18,23). I've said this before, but to truly realize that on my own, I don't even have the ability to perform basic courtesy.

Suffering really is a blessing. (James 1:2-4, Matthew 5:1-12)

But, I will walk by faith, even when I cannot see. (2 Corinthians 5:7)


"Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. For by it the elders obtained a good testimony. By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible."

~Hebrews 11:1-3

"...But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him."

~Hebrews 1:6

This I know

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known."

~1 Corinthians 13:11

If you were wondering what I did this summer...

I spent the summer in Tennessee at a Navigator Summer Training Program. The Navigators is a ministry begun in 1933 by a man named Dawson Trotman. It was originally started among Navy men (thus the name The Navigators), but now has expanded to include college campuses and foreign missions as well. A summer training program is eight weeks long. You work almost full time and in your "spare" time (as in every other waking moment) you participate in an intense bible study, one on one discipleship, evangelism, workshops and nav nights.

What do I see when I look back over this summer?

I see brokenness, complete brokenness. I was put together in all the wrong ways. God had to break me so he could put me back together in the likeness of his Son. But, just like a hard winter makes the spring that more glorious, and the first few flowers pushing through the frozen ground that more precious, brokenness leaves room for me to be used for his glory.

God used this summer to wage full scale war on all the bitterness, anger, pain and resentment I had stored in my heart all these years. It felt like every day God was bringing a new memory from my past where I had been hurt and hadn’t dealt with it. I swear, I’ve cried more in these two months then I have in the past two years. I was honestly surprised at the depth of m emotions over these things that had occurred five or six even ten years ago. I remember crying on the back porch one day and I asked God “why did all these things happen to me, why did I have to go through all this?” and his reply was “so you would come to know me better.”

Then again while I was working, I was thinking about all the pain in my life and God asked me “Sarah, if everything you had to go through was what it took for you to turn to me, would you still have had it happen? Would you trade your relationship with me for a perfect life?”

I realized I am not who I thought I was. If you had asked me before STP who I was, I would have said “I’m Sarah Jo, I’m tough, I’m a B.A., I can handle anything, I’m fearless, I do what I want”. I would have described myself as an extrovert, who loves to talk, and is not afraid of telling people the truth.

But, I realized that’s not me at all.

The real me has been in hiding for the past ten years. I created this monster mask to hide behind, to scare people away so they wouldn’t hurt me. The monster was created out of every core lie I ever believed. That I’m unlovable, ugly, worthless, a waste of time, arrogant, loud, overweight, unwanted, stupid, annoying, dominating, forgettable, my brain is the only good part of me, I have to defend myself, I have to be tough. This monster grew bigger and bigger over the years until I eventually it overshadowed me to the point that I thought I was the monster. I lived in defensive mode permanently. My fears controlled me, the fear of being alone, my fear of people, and my fear of abandonment.

When I look back over the years of my life from 8-18 I am incredibly saddened at how that perception hurt me. The place where I was injured the most was in my relationships with other people. I viewed relationships as similar to a financial exchange. Whenever I was in a relationship with someone, I based our friendship upon what I could do for them. I rationalized that if I could do enough to make them happy, they wouldn’t leave me. But, I never let myself love someone, that was far to dangerous. I realize now just how shallow and meaningless my relationships with people were. I hurt so many people this way, I would let them get close to me, let them get attached but I would never need anyone, I could walk away at the drop of a hat and I frequently did.

I thought I was so tough, but you know what, I’m not. I’m not big and scary, I’m small and afraid, afraid that who I am isn’t going to be enough to keep people around, that unless I strive to completely meet everyone’s needs, they won’t have a reason to be around me. I thought that I was this tough girl who could handle anything, but I can’t, I can’t be everything to everybody. I am weak and fearful.

“and he said to me ‘my grace is sufficient for you for my strength is made perfect in weakness’. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that they power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

-2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

Now I’m just trying to figure out who I really am in Christ. I catch glimpses of myself on occasion. I am patient with children, I love to be out in nature, I like being alone, I am gentle, I love to give hugs.

“The soul is like a wild animal – tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, self-sufficient. It knows how to survive in hard places. But it is also shy. Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush. If we want to see a wild animal, we know the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. But if we walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently by the base of the tree and fade into our surroundings, the wild animal we seek might put in an appearance.”

–Parker Palmer, A Hidden Wholeness

One big thing I had to tackle this summer that arose from my monster persona is the way I communicate with people. I always argue; I treat every conversation as a battle to be won. This might work okay with guys who love competition, but when you live with a cabin of eleven other girls, communication will break down if you approach them from that angle. About week six I started to get really frustrated with myself and everyone else who lived with me. I felt like I couldn’t have a decent conversation with any of them. I felt like a rhinoceros living in a pen with a bunch of baby chicks, every move I made I ended up squishing someone. Praise God, one of the team leaders in my cabin had the patience to sit down and talk with me and help me work through my communication barriers.

I’ve had to go through a lot of changes since I began following Christ, layer after layer of worldliness had to be washed away. So many things had to be transformed; you think I would be used to it and expect it. However, when I realized even something as core to my being as the way I communicate with people had to be changed I was like “seriously God, seriously. Honestly? This has to change too?”

I learned that it’s okay for me to have needs. I used to think that I couldn’t have needs, emotional relational etc. I had this pseudo-vulnerability in that I let people know what I’m thinking and feeling, I was very transparent, but because I never let myself care about anyone I wasn’t vulnerable. I learned that people who don’t know who they are attract others who don’t know who they are, but Jesus came to show us who we are. If you don’t know who you are you are a slave to those around you. I decided that I wasn’t going to be a slave anymore, I am free in Christ. Free to be myself, whoever she may be.

I really grew in the area of evangelism. We went out into two neighboring cities, Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg and shared the bridge to whoever we could. At first I really struggled intellectually with evangelism. I felt like if I didn't understand everything theologically about salvation and evangelism, then I just couldn't do it. But, after a few frustrating, disappointing nights I decided to check my pride and attitude and just obey God's command and give it all I got. When I finally did that, I had one of the best witnessing nights of my life (ask me about it!)

I walked into my job thinking, "Sweet, this is going to be so easy. I'll get a great tan, plus I get paid more then everyone else, nice!" WRONG! My first day was so stressful I thought about asking if they could switch me to foods. In all of this turmoil and trial I had to lean on God in my weakness. There were somedays where I would go to the guard shack for break and put my head down and pray to God that I wouldn't fall apart during my next rotation. Now it wasn't all bad, I actually really began to enjoy it after the first week (though audits kept me slightly stressed all summer). I had great bosses who were supportive, caring and friendly. I truly enjoyed working at splash country.

"Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." -Proverbs 3:5-6

This summer God has really given me a vision for my life. My goal is to give my life away, to die with nothing left in my hands. I'm not sure what this is going to look for my life, I guess we'll see.

When things got rough this summer and I felt like I was at the bottom God gave me peace by changing my perspective. I saw how temporary everything is and how glorious heaven is and I realized even when things get really crappy, it's not for that long. This is when it really came home for me: There was a day where it poured rain, they didn't even open the park till 11. However, it wasn't lightening so the park stayed open. So I was standing at the bottom of a slide, that no one was coming down, in a torrential downpour, to quickly realize the water-proof jacket I had been issued, was not really water-proof. I thought about being upset and complaining but then God opened my eyes. I was like "Who cares if it's raining? Who cares if I'm cold? Who cares if I can't manage to maintain my weight? Who cares if I can't manage to communicate with people the way I want?" Sarah, before you know it, you're going to be dead and gone and all this will pass away like vapor, so why get yourself all worked up over it? If God chose to put you here in the pouring rain, with a body that doesn't do what you want, with life experiences that have made it nearly impossible for you to communicate as easily as you want, so be it"

"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell" -Matthew 10:28