I am getting baptized tomorrow. I've waited a long time for this moment. These past two years walking with the Lord have been incredible. I'm still in awe of what Christ has done for me. It brings tears to my eyes to meditate on the atonement. This is where words fail me. How can I articulate the overwhelming gratitude in my heart? It is times like these that I wish I had command of a larger vocabulary. I want words to express my feelings, but there are none.
Christ is my Lord and Savior, Reedemer and Friend. He has rescued me from darkness and healed my broken heart. I want to spend forever with him, and he has promised me that one day I will!
Christ died for us. Such a simple, simple statement. But, Oh! The power of the truth behind those words. God the Son became man and lived a perfect life. Then at just the right time, he died for the ungodly. He died so that I, a wrathful rebellious enemy of God, could one day be drawn unto himself. I am justified by faith and have peace with God because he offered himself on the cross at Calvary. He took the full wrath of God for all my sins. In considering this, I loose my breath. I want to weep with gratitude. I was a slave to sin, in bondage to death. Now I am a slave of Christ, whose love brings life ever lasting.
Oh, the unsearchable love of Christ. Oh how I long to look upon his face and sing his praises forever.
"Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels around the throne, the living creatures, and the elders; and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands, saying with a loud voice:
“ Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
To receive power and riches and wisdom,
And strength and honor and glory and blessing!”
And every creature which is in heaven and on the earth and under the earth and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, I heard saying:
“ Blessing and honor and glory and power
Be to Him who sits on the throne,
And to the Lamb, forever and ever!”
Then the four living creatures said, “Amen!” And the twenty-four elders fell down and worshiped Him who lives forever and ever. ~ Revelation 5:11-14
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Thoughts on Blue Like Jazz
I recently picked up my copy of Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller off my book shelf. I originally read the book in high school, before I came to know Jesus. If I remember correctly, it was a very popular book among the "christian" youth of my town. I recall reading it, liking it and assuming it was truth. It therefore heavily influenced my conception of God. I decided to reread it, because it has to come to my attention that I read a lot of books as an unbeliever and a new believer that may have been just plain heretical. So i've decided to go back and take a look at them to weed out the lies from the truth in my mind.
One a side note, there has been a lot of talk recently on the christian blog 0' sphere (is that a word? If it wasn't before it is now) about the emergent church, particularity Rob Bell. If you haven't been following the controversy surrounding Rob Bell and his new book Love Wins. I would suggest doing a little research. A good place to start would be John MacArthur's blog, he has been doing a series of posts on it. (Here's the link to the first one http://www.gty.org/Blog/B110412). (I will probably one day get around to writing about the emergent church and things like that)
Here are my thought's on Blue Like Jazz.
To put it bluntly, if you want to read a book to learn more about the character and nature of God, this is not the book for you. However, if you want to read a book about the inane quasi-spiritual musings of a man named Donald Miller, by all means be my guest.
If I was Donald Miller, I would have put a disclaimer on the front of Blue Like Jazz stating "it would be better for your spiritual state to read your Bible for 30 seconds then to read this book." In thinking that thought I would also like to add a disclaimer to this blog. "It would be better to read your bible for 1 minute then to spend any amount of time reading what I have to say." If there is one thing I have learned recently about what it means to walk with God it is this: your Bible is everything. Over and over I have been shown the supremacy of scripture.
Blue like jazz does not fall short necessarily for what it says, but for what it doesn't say. Never once in the book does mention the Holiness of God, or the wrath of God against unrepentant sinners. Presenting a gospel without these elements is to pervert the true gospel and to blaspheme the name of Christ.
An essential issue with this book is it's misrepresentation of the work of Christ. Jesus Christ, God-incarnate, did not come to earth to rescue the world from it's social justice issues. Jesus Christ came to rescue sinners from the judgment and wrath of an almighty God. Yes, Jesus cares about poverty. However, poverty isn't the root cause of the world's evils; sin is. The sin in me and the sin in you. Outside of Christ we are enemies with God. We are in rebellion and we cannot please God.
Another huge problem is Miller's rejection of the church. He completely throws the church under the bus. The Church is the Bride of Christ. He's got a thing for her and I wouldn't dis her if I were you (to quote Lecrae). As a new believer I can attest that it is almost impossible to grow without being involved in a Bible teaching Church where you can serve, be discipled and be disciplined. So many college students miss this. The Church and it's structure was designed by Christ. We miss out on so much growth by staying away. (I could right a whole post on this issue itself)
Miller's attitude towards sin in Blue Like Jazz is incredibly flippant. It's almost disgusting. If we could see our sins for what they are we would fall on our faces and weep. Which is what Isaiah did when he saw the Lord: Isaiah 6:1-5
"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple. 2 Above it stood seraphim; each one had six wings: with two he covered his face, with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. 3 And one cried to another and said:
“ Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts;
The whole earth is full of His glory!”
4 And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke.
5 So I said:
“ Woe is me, for I am undone!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King,
The LORD of hosts.”
The faith that this book presents is not a saving faith. It is not in line with historic Christianity. It does not support the Bible. To be blunt, the "gospel" this book presents is rather like a vaccine. It's a weakened form of the real thing that will inoculate an individual from ever receving the real thing. It's a useless waste of paper, good only for kindling.
Donald Miller's version of the good news, is really not good news at all. To him Jesus is just one more option, one more pathway to "living your best life now". These kinds of books are so deadly because they present lies wrapped up in truth. They sell half-truths to undiscerning people. Half truths that destroy them spiritually.
One a side note, there has been a lot of talk recently on the christian blog 0' sphere (is that a word? If it wasn't before it is now) about the emergent church, particularity Rob Bell. If you haven't been following the controversy surrounding Rob Bell and his new book Love Wins. I would suggest doing a little research. A good place to start would be John MacArthur's blog, he has been doing a series of posts on it. (Here's the link to the first one http://www.gty.org/Blog/B110412). (I will probably one day get around to writing about the emergent church and things like that)
Here are my thought's on Blue Like Jazz.
To put it bluntly, if you want to read a book to learn more about the character and nature of God, this is not the book for you. However, if you want to read a book about the inane quasi-spiritual musings of a man named Donald Miller, by all means be my guest.
If I was Donald Miller, I would have put a disclaimer on the front of Blue Like Jazz stating "it would be better for your spiritual state to read your Bible for 30 seconds then to read this book." In thinking that thought I would also like to add a disclaimer to this blog. "It would be better to read your bible for 1 minute then to spend any amount of time reading what I have to say." If there is one thing I have learned recently about what it means to walk with God it is this: your Bible is everything. Over and over I have been shown the supremacy of scripture.
Blue like jazz does not fall short necessarily for what it says, but for what it doesn't say. Never once in the book does mention the Holiness of God, or the wrath of God against unrepentant sinners. Presenting a gospel without these elements is to pervert the true gospel and to blaspheme the name of Christ.
An essential issue with this book is it's misrepresentation of the work of Christ. Jesus Christ, God-incarnate, did not come to earth to rescue the world from it's social justice issues. Jesus Christ came to rescue sinners from the judgment and wrath of an almighty God. Yes, Jesus cares about poverty. However, poverty isn't the root cause of the world's evils; sin is. The sin in me and the sin in you. Outside of Christ we are enemies with God. We are in rebellion and we cannot please God.
Another huge problem is Miller's rejection of the church. He completely throws the church under the bus. The Church is the Bride of Christ. He's got a thing for her and I wouldn't dis her if I were you (to quote Lecrae). As a new believer I can attest that it is almost impossible to grow without being involved in a Bible teaching Church where you can serve, be discipled and be disciplined. So many college students miss this. The Church and it's structure was designed by Christ. We miss out on so much growth by staying away. (I could right a whole post on this issue itself)
Miller's attitude towards sin in Blue Like Jazz is incredibly flippant. It's almost disgusting. If we could see our sins for what they are we would fall on our faces and weep. Which is what Isaiah did when he saw the Lord: Isaiah 6:1-5
"In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord sitting on a throne, high and lifted up, and the train of His robe filled the temple. 2 Above it stood seraphim; each one had six wings: with two he covered his face, with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. 3 And one cried to another and said:
“ Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts;
The whole earth is full of His glory!”
4 And the posts of the door were shaken by the voice of him who cried out, and the house was filled with smoke.
5 So I said:
“ Woe is me, for I am undone!
Because I am a man of unclean lips,
And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;
For my eyes have seen the King,
The LORD of hosts.”
The faith that this book presents is not a saving faith. It is not in line with historic Christianity. It does not support the Bible. To be blunt, the "gospel" this book presents is rather like a vaccine. It's a weakened form of the real thing that will inoculate an individual from ever receving the real thing. It's a useless waste of paper, good only for kindling.
Donald Miller's version of the good news, is really not good news at all. To him Jesus is just one more option, one more pathway to "living your best life now". These kinds of books are so deadly because they present lies wrapped up in truth. They sell half-truths to undiscerning people. Half truths that destroy them spiritually.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Living Will
I had to write a living will for my biomedical ethics class. To be honest, it was really difficult. It was also depressing. I struggled through a lot of the ethical implications of what I was saying. For real, this is the third assignment about my death I've had to do for a class. There's nothing like thinking about your mortality to get your priorities in line. On the one hand, I realize that in my mind I say to myself that I'm not afraid of death and that I welcome the chance to go and be with Christ, but at the same time I am REALLY attached to the life I've got going down here on earth. But, one thing I've really been thinking about is remembering to keep my eyes focused on the goal. Focused towards heaven, focused on eternity. It definitely helps me not to stress out. I have no idea where I'm living this summer or how I'm going to pay for it. This has been really stressing me out, but as soon as I get my head on straight and remember that I am a daughter or The King who owns everything and that I have eternal security for my salvation, I worry a lot less. Funny how that works, isn't it?
By the way, I'm currently reading Desiring God by John Piper (it's pretty good, I would definitely recommend it to anyone). It's awesome so far! Check it out.
By the way, I'm currently reading Desiring God by John Piper (it's pretty good, I would definitely recommend it to anyone). It's awesome so far! Check it out.
Living Will of Sarah Jo Spears
“To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die…”
~Ecclesiastes 3:1-2
Declaration made this 11th day of February 2010. I, Sarah Jo Spears am a child of God by the grace of God, through the sole merit of the atoning blood of the Son of God, the Lord Jesus Christ, my Savior. I have received the gift of salvation by faith. I believe that God is sovereign and has ordained my every breath and heart beat. I am of the firm conviction that each and every life is created by God and therefore sacred. In light of this it is my desire to make known my wishes for my care in a terminal state. I am defining a terminal state as a state of coma (with a GCS of 8 or less), persistent vegetative state, or brain death.
It is my will to designate a healthcare surrogate. My healthcare surrogates are my parents, Laura and Terry Spears. In the event that my parents are incapacitated, my sister Jennifer Lykins will serve as surrogate. I reserve the right for my healthcare surrogates to make decisions on my behalf that go contrary to this document. I understand that is impossible to predict every possible situation, therefore in the event that I am mentally incapacitated my healthcare surrogates have the ultimate say in which treatments I receive or do not receive.
When I leave behind this mortal “flesh”, this “tent” I shall exchange it for “a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.” (2 Corinthians 5:1-6). Death has been defeated and reins in me no more, yet I consider myself to be already dead, but alive in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:12-13, Ephesians 2:4-9). To be absent from this body and to be present with my Lord in eternity is no loss, but a great gain (Philippians 1:21-25). Therefore, while I do not seek death, I do not desire to unnecessarily prolong the inevitable. This living will may never be used to promote euthanasia, active or passive. No measures should ever be taken to cause death, nor be taken purely to end suffering. Suffering is ordained and will be endured by the grace of God. I have placed my total trust in the Lord God with this mortal body and with my eternal spirit.
It is my will that I never be placed on a ventilator. All other decisions are left to my healthcare surrogates.
If you are reading this document and do not know what will happen to you when you die, let me declare to you that assurance is possible. The Lord God Almighty, maker of heaven and earth, who is the first and the last, the holiest of holies has created a way for you to come into his presence. We, who are sinful from the day of our birth, deserve nothing but judgment (Romans 3:10-23). However, God in order to show the brightness of his glory, sent his only son to make a propitiation (an atonement) for our sins (Hebrews 1:1-3, Romans 3:24-26, Romans 6:23) and save us from the wrath of God (Romans 1:18, 5:9). Jesus Christ came to earth, being fully man and fully God and lived a sinless life. He was then was crucified unto death (Romans 5:6-9). He, then having been buried, rose to life again on the third day, as was prophesized in the scriptures. This was planned from the beginning of time so that He could bring us to God (1 Peter 3:18). I beg you, if you have not trusted in Christ as your savior, do not harden you heart. Salvation is a gift of God, free to all who believe, by faith alone (Ephesians 2:8-9, John 1:9-14). Lay down your rebellion and your pride, repent and turn to Jesus.
“So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.
“O Death, where is your sting?
O Hades, where is your victory?”
~ 1 Corinthians 15:54-55
All glory to Him forever and ever, amen!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Where I'm at
As I am drawing near to the two year anniversary to the beginning of my walk with God, a curious transformation is taking place in my heart and mind. I used to believe, even after I was saved, that the point of my salvation, the purpose of my life was to strive after moral perfection (with the help of Jesus of course), but mostly the responsibility for success was mine. I tried and I tried to reach my standards that I had set for myself. I even had a measure of success for a while, but then I failed. EPICALLY.
It was bad, real bad. For months on end I couldn't tell up from down. I felt like God abandoned me, I felt like I wasn't saved, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself.
But now I see that far from reaching an understanding of God, I just am beginning to start to realize just how vast is the mystery of Christ and Him crucified.
An excerpt from a book by Walter Marshall, (a puritan from the 1600's) that is chillingly accurately in its description of what I went through.
"If these legal zealots be forced by strong conviction to endeavour the practice of spiritual duties for the quieting of their guilty consciences, they may be brought to strive and labour earnestly, and even to macerate their bodies with fasting, that they may kill their lusts; but still their lusts are alive, and as strong as ever they were, and do show forth their enmity against the law of God by inward fretting, repining and grudging at it, as a grievous taskmaster, though a slavish fear restrain their gross outward actings. And, if once these zealots are enlightened with the knowledge of the spiritual nature of the law to discern that God rejects all their slavish service, and will not own it for sincere obedience, then they fall into despair of their salvation, because they see they have failed in their highest attempts to perform the condition, and they can easily discover themselves, that their hearts swell in anger and manifest hatred against the law, yea, and against God and Christ, for prescribing such hard conditions of salvation, which they cannot keep, and yet must expect to be damned eternally for breaking them. This fills them with blasphemous thoughts against God and Christ, and they can hardly refrain from blaspheming with their tongues. And when they are brought to this horrible condition, if God does not in mercy discover to them the way of salvation by free grace, through faith alone, they will endeavour, if they can, to sear their consciences past feeling of sin, and fully to abandon all religion, which has proved such an insufferable torment to them, or, if they cannot sear their consciences, some of them are easily prevailed with by Satan, rather to murder themselves than to live longer in the hatred of God, the spirit of blasphemy and continual horror of conscience.
This is the pestilent effect of legal doctrine upon a carnal heart, that does but rouse up and terribly enrage the sleeping lion, our sinful corruption, instead of killing it - as is too evident by the sad experience of many that have endeavoured with all their might to practice it, and by the Scripture, that shows a sufficient cause why it cannot be otherwise. Therefore, the doctrine of salvation by sincere obedience, that was invented against Antinomianism, may well be ranked among the worst Antinomian errors. For my part, I hate it with perfect hatred, and account it mine enemy, as I have found it to be. And I have found by some good experience the truth of the lesson taught by the apostle, that the way to be freed from the mastery and dominion of sin is not to be under the law, but under grace (Rom. 6:14)."-Walter Marshall, the Gospel Mystery of Sanctification.
It was bad, real bad. For months on end I couldn't tell up from down. I felt like God abandoned me, I felt like I wasn't saved, I was mad at God, I was mad at myself.
But now I see that far from reaching an understanding of God, I just am beginning to start to realize just how vast is the mystery of Christ and Him crucified.
An excerpt from a book by Walter Marshall, (a puritan from the 1600's) that is chillingly accurately in its description of what I went through.
"If these legal zealots be forced by strong conviction to endeavour the practice of spiritual duties for the quieting of their guilty consciences, they may be brought to strive and labour earnestly, and even to macerate their bodies with fasting, that they may kill their lusts; but still their lusts are alive, and as strong as ever they were, and do show forth their enmity against the law of God by inward fretting, repining and grudging at it, as a grievous taskmaster, though a slavish fear restrain their gross outward actings. And, if once these zealots are enlightened with the knowledge of the spiritual nature of the law to discern that God rejects all their slavish service, and will not own it for sincere obedience, then they fall into despair of their salvation, because they see they have failed in their highest attempts to perform the condition, and they can easily discover themselves, that their hearts swell in anger and manifest hatred against the law, yea, and against God and Christ, for prescribing such hard conditions of salvation, which they cannot keep, and yet must expect to be damned eternally for breaking them. This fills them with blasphemous thoughts against God and Christ, and they can hardly refrain from blaspheming with their tongues. And when they are brought to this horrible condition, if God does not in mercy discover to them the way of salvation by free grace, through faith alone, they will endeavour, if they can, to sear their consciences past feeling of sin, and fully to abandon all religion, which has proved such an insufferable torment to them, or, if they cannot sear their consciences, some of them are easily prevailed with by Satan, rather to murder themselves than to live longer in the hatred of God, the spirit of blasphemy and continual horror of conscience.
This is the pestilent effect of legal doctrine upon a carnal heart, that does but rouse up and terribly enrage the sleeping lion, our sinful corruption, instead of killing it - as is too evident by the sad experience of many that have endeavoured with all their might to practice it, and by the Scripture, that shows a sufficient cause why it cannot be otherwise. Therefore, the doctrine of salvation by sincere obedience, that was invented against Antinomianism, may well be ranked among the worst Antinomian errors. For my part, I hate it with perfect hatred, and account it mine enemy, as I have found it to be. And I have found by some good experience the truth of the lesson taught by the apostle, that the way to be freed from the mastery and dominion of sin is not to be under the law, but under grace (Rom. 6:14)."-Walter Marshall, the Gospel Mystery of Sanctification.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Moral Outcry
My conscience will no longer allow me to remain silent. I have ignored this issue for far too long. I have allowed myself to look the other way for the sake of politeness and social ease. But no more.
We, as Christian's in America are allowing genocide to occur in this country. The genocide of the unborn became legal in this country in 1973.
As I research different views on abortion, I keep coming across this idea that we should not "force" our "opinions" on people. This argument is the most widespread piece of nonsense I have ever encountered. Frankly, it is an absolutely ridiculous, baseless, pointless argument that we have sucked up because we think it makes us sound tolerant. The American legal system is based on the rule of law. The government is of the "opinion" that running stop lights is dangerous, and they "force" this opinion on the American populace by issuing tickets to those who "choose" to break the law. Should we no longer enforce the law because people should be "free" to do what they wish. Obviously, how could I presume to know what is "right" for someone else? If people want to run red lights, well who am I to "force" my opinion and stop them. I can't make other people's decisions for them, perish the thought that I try to legislate morality or anything of that nature.
Is there not anything that is always wrong, 100% of the time? Has every American's sense of morality become situational? I will tell you, there are things that are always wrong. Incest, rape, murder, to name a few. Reality is not relative.
I don't have the time or the wherewithal to defend against every anti-life (pro-choice) argument. The truth is, there are plenty of other people who have and have done a much better job then I ever could.
But, I will say this. We as Christians need to raise a moral outcry so loud that it shakes the supreme court to its very foundations. We can no longer afford to remain silent and polite while children are being slaughtered in our midst. I am as guilty as the next. I, for far to long have ignored the conviction of the Holy Spirit regarding this issue. I have been a coward and I have been lazy, preferring to keep quiet to keep the peace. But NO MORE!
Some of you may have heard of Diedrich Bonhoeffer, most of you probably haven't. He was a German pastor who took a stand against the Nazi's. He refused to submit when the Nazis invaded the church in Germany. He refused to remain silent whilst they instituted pogroms against the Jews. He fought valiantly in the face of insurmountable evil. Eventually it cost him his life. He he said this,
http://bound4life.com/
http://bound4life.com/blog
We, as Christian's in America are allowing genocide to occur in this country. The genocide of the unborn became legal in this country in 1973.
As I research different views on abortion, I keep coming across this idea that we should not "force" our "opinions" on people. This argument is the most widespread piece of nonsense I have ever encountered. Frankly, it is an absolutely ridiculous, baseless, pointless argument that we have sucked up because we think it makes us sound tolerant. The American legal system is based on the rule of law. The government is of the "opinion" that running stop lights is dangerous, and they "force" this opinion on the American populace by issuing tickets to those who "choose" to break the law. Should we no longer enforce the law because people should be "free" to do what they wish. Obviously, how could I presume to know what is "right" for someone else? If people want to run red lights, well who am I to "force" my opinion and stop them. I can't make other people's decisions for them, perish the thought that I try to legislate morality or anything of that nature.
Is there not anything that is always wrong, 100% of the time? Has every American's sense of morality become situational? I will tell you, there are things that are always wrong. Incest, rape, murder, to name a few. Reality is not relative.
I don't have the time or the wherewithal to defend against every anti-life (pro-choice) argument. The truth is, there are plenty of other people who have and have done a much better job then I ever could.
But, I will say this. We as Christians need to raise a moral outcry so loud that it shakes the supreme court to its very foundations. We can no longer afford to remain silent and polite while children are being slaughtered in our midst. I am as guilty as the next. I, for far to long have ignored the conviction of the Holy Spirit regarding this issue. I have been a coward and I have been lazy, preferring to keep quiet to keep the peace. But NO MORE!
Some of you may have heard of Diedrich Bonhoeffer, most of you probably haven't. He was a German pastor who took a stand against the Nazi's. He refused to submit when the Nazis invaded the church in Germany. He refused to remain silent whilst they instituted pogroms against the Jews. He fought valiantly in the face of insurmountable evil. Eventually it cost him his life. He he said this,
"Silence in the face of evil is itself evil: God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act."
Amen Brother, Amenhttp://bound4life.com/
http://bound4life.com/blog
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Why
I haven't written in a while. Not for lack of trying, I must have sat down at least 5 or 6 times, determined to pen the blog post of the century. I've just been empty of words, for lack of a better way to describe it. I guess sometimes you walk through valleys with shadows so deep you just don't know what to say. I would love to be able to say that I am writting this post from the viewpoint of "victory", with every enemy vanquished and every demon banished. I would love to say that I have found the solution to all of my sins, struggles and anxieties and if you follow my patented five step process you too can have your "best life now".
However, I never was any good at lying so I don't see the point of starting now. Truth be told, I feel as if I've been traveling in a tunnel so dark and twisted I can't see any daylight. The nice way to say it is i'm still "in process"
Growing up, I read lot of christian literature about a variety of subjects. But, something I never understood was why so many authors had chosen to write books dealing with the subject of pain and suffering. Why not write more books about how we can stop sinning or how we can be a more productive person, or something useful I thought. People seemed to struggle predominantly with the thought that if God truly loved them then X wouldn't have happened. To be honest I always thought the people who questioned God with a big"WHY ME!?" we're a little slow and silly. That is until recently.
When I first began to walk with Christ, my life changed radically for the better. Everything was beautiful and bright. I floated on clouds, nothing could go wrong (or so it seemed). I faced every hurdle with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Life was like skipping through a a field of daises. Every day was a new adventure, a new lesson to be learned, I was in love.
But things began to change in May. I stopped learning as quickly as I once did; when I fell down, I didn't pop right back up, I stayed down. My failures seemed to mount day by day. I felt lost, I didn't understand. The hardest thing is the unsureness of everything. Questions swam in my head. How long will I feel like this? How long will the sadness stay? Has God forgotten about me? Why am I failing so much? Does this mean that I'm not saved? What if I go back to how I used to be?
This semester has been hard.
However, I never was any good at lying so I don't see the point of starting now. Truth be told, I feel as if I've been traveling in a tunnel so dark and twisted I can't see any daylight. The nice way to say it is i'm still "in process"
Growing up, I read lot of christian literature about a variety of subjects. But, something I never understood was why so many authors had chosen to write books dealing with the subject of pain and suffering. Why not write more books about how we can stop sinning or how we can be a more productive person, or something useful I thought. People seemed to struggle predominantly with the thought that if God truly loved them then X wouldn't have happened. To be honest I always thought the people who questioned God with a big"WHY ME!?" we're a little slow and silly. That is until recently.
When I first began to walk with Christ, my life changed radically for the better. Everything was beautiful and bright. I floated on clouds, nothing could go wrong (or so it seemed). I faced every hurdle with a smile on my face and a song in my heart. Life was like skipping through a a field of daises. Every day was a new adventure, a new lesson to be learned, I was in love.
But things began to change in May. I stopped learning as quickly as I once did; when I fell down, I didn't pop right back up, I stayed down. My failures seemed to mount day by day. I felt lost, I didn't understand. The hardest thing is the unsureness of everything. Questions swam in my head. How long will I feel like this? How long will the sadness stay? Has God forgotten about me? Why am I failing so much? Does this mean that I'm not saved? What if I go back to how I used to be?
This semester has been hard.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Reflections
I just returned from attending the fall concert of the USF honors philharmonic orchestra, jazz combo and a Capella groups. It was incredible.
Attending musical events always causes me to reflect heavily on my life. Music has been such a huge part of my life.
My first reflection is on the incredible goodness of God. There is so much sin in this world, so much darkness. My heart aches for the homeless, the lonely widows, the invisible children, those who are lost and have no hope. Our world is caught in the grips of selfishness, greed and corruption. Yet, nonetheless God has given us the gift of music. I cannot express the pure joy that arises from performing music.
Can you see it? Playing your favorite piece, with a group of people you have come to love as family. You begin, the music swells, you grin in anticipation. Every person you desperately hoped would come has arrived and is on the edge of their seats in the audience. The rhythm section is as solid as rock, every note is perfect. The music grows and swells and takes on a life of its own. Are you making it or is it making you? As the opus ends and the final note slowly drifts away, your hands are tingling and you are left with a curious mix of joy and sorrow. Longing fills your heart, to be back at that moment of perfection. But, you are joyful knowing your work is complete.
Attending musical events always causes me to reflect heavily on my life. Music has been such a huge part of my life.
My first reflection is on the incredible goodness of God. There is so much sin in this world, so much darkness. My heart aches for the homeless, the lonely widows, the invisible children, those who are lost and have no hope. Our world is caught in the grips of selfishness, greed and corruption. Yet, nonetheless God has given us the gift of music. I cannot express the pure joy that arises from performing music.
Can you see it? Playing your favorite piece, with a group of people you have come to love as family. You begin, the music swells, you grin in anticipation. Every person you desperately hoped would come has arrived and is on the edge of their seats in the audience. The rhythm section is as solid as rock, every note is perfect. The music grows and swells and takes on a life of its own. Are you making it or is it making you? As the opus ends and the final note slowly drifts away, your hands are tingling and you are left with a curious mix of joy and sorrow. Longing fills your heart, to be back at that moment of perfection. But, you are joyful knowing your work is complete.
I truly believe that this is a reflection of heaven.
One day soon Christ will return to us, in all his glory. The bride coming to claim the bridegroom. The redeemer coming to rescue those that he paid for with his own precious blood. Christ and the church, one of the greatest mysteries. What a day of rejoicing that will be! Finally, finally, we will meet face to face the lover of our souls. And we will know him, just as we are known.
And we will finally be home.
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